tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929325040885285743.post7002216477157318083..comments2016-02-21T15:03:26.957-08:00Comments on Almost (not quite) There: Rock My Query! Part IDeserae McGlothenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09181339040825589703noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6929325040885285743.post-51203335023884298572011-12-03T04:43:07.608-08:002011-12-03T04:43:07.608-08:00I know you are probably looking for harsh critisms...I know you are probably looking for harsh critisms on your query, but I have absolutely none of that to say. All that was on my mind from the first line was 'OMG'!!! Your query is captivating, creative and 100% original. I adore the name Drazoral, and to be honest I saw nothing wrong with the rest of your query. But after re-reading twice, I realized that there must be something to change that Agents mind so I read her thoughts on the query. <br /> I have to say I agree with some of what she said, like subtly incorporating more of Drew's self into the query, and trying to limit the focus point from talks of 'her destiny'. Personally, I think the first paragraph is perfect for reeling in the readers attention ( it certainly did me ;] ). The only advice I have is to avoid any use of cliche, which is what seems to tick of the agent. You did a great job on that aspect, except with the phrase "she has the chance to start over". I've heard that phrase so often, it's quite worn out. Try to find something with a unique-spark. "It’s her hope that, on Earth, she’ll be able to control her own destiny." What exactly prevented her from doing so before? It's better if you don't unveil this to us-save some secrets for the book- but give a suggestive addition in that sentence that elicits curiousity. <br /> In the second paragraph, it loses a bit of the thorough detail it had in the first. Starting from "Drew soon discovers what it means to be human through the guidance of her cryptic guardians and her handler, Mr. Bleu. And just when she comes to peace with who she is and what life could mean on a planet like ours..." I notice a sort of gap between the two. Like you jumped from the beginning to the end, with little reference to what went on in between. Honestly, I don't think what happened in between is necessary, but we notice it because of "And just when she begins to feel..." It seems a little too typical of a phrase. That everything becomes perfect for it all to be changed once more. Maybe you could find a way of changing that so the gap isn't as noticable.<br /> The last paragraph is like the first, in the sense that it's pretty flawless to me. The only thing I have to suggest adding in an extra line after the last-it seems sort of unfinished to me. Don't get me wrong; the last sentence is just right, only it leaves something to be desired. <br /> Hope this helped!! But seriously, I suck at critiquing. This query was wonderful, and it took me several tries to find something I could suggest improvement on. Good luck with the second phase!!!<br />xox, love, Maya<br />P.S I disagree that 'there's not enough to entice'. Maybe there's something wrong with her idea of 'enticing' is all ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com