I am literally three chapters away from finishing PW. Literally. Three chapters. Away. There is Chapter 13, and Chapter 14, and Chapter 15. And then it's done. I mean--- for realzies.
But THIS?!
THIS will be the death of me.
It's not Chapter 13's fault that it feels impossible. It's mine. It's mine because I KNOW what I have to do. I KNOW that this is just a draft (not the first, but, yeah). I KNOW that I have permission to mess things up. But I'm scared. Terrified, really.
Usually, endings and I get along really well. I know how I like things to be resolved almost every time I sit down to write a story, and things are no different with PW. The hows, the whys, and the whens are all very clear in my head, but, unfortunately, I'm afraid to put these things down on paper.
It's not... For once, it's not the fear of messing up that's killing me. This chapter, though, is going to set the tone for everything else that comes afterward and I am afraid that, for this chapter's unique setting and ideals and reveals and needs, I am not doing enough to explore these things.
I know what you're thinking. "Can't you just fix that in editing?" Of course I could fix it in editing, but I'm not editing right now. I'm writing. And I'm not doing a very good job at it. Do you ever have these moments where you have an idea in mind, and you think it's freaking BRILLIANT, but when someone asks you to explain your vision, you just... can't? Okay. I'm experiencing that. And I'M THE FLIPPING WRITER.
This... this feeling is ruining me. My confidence, my faith--- everything that I put into PW is fading. And that's why I renamed the chapter from "Eyes on the Prize" to "Everything's Not Lost" because I wanted to remind myself that YES! There is hope for you yet, Deserae.
But...
Here we are.
It's weird being here because it's taken thirteen chapters to back me into a wall. You guys don't know this because you've only been with me for PW and The Girl Book, but I don't really write sci-fi. PW is my first attempt at something extraordinary, and I thought that it would be a failed attempt because my strength is in dialogue, not really in kick-butt action.
But even though some things need tweaking, none of the writing I've done for PW completely and totally SUCKED. Not until now, at least. And I'm only three chapters to the end. All I can think of is, are you freaking kidding me?! Really, yo? REALLY?! The good thing about this revelation, though, has me on my toes. I'm ready for Chapter 13 to suck and I'm ready to hear what my Beta thinks can help lessen the sucktitude. And above all, I'm ready to get it written so that all of the fixing, chiseling, and polishing can commence. I know it's going to take all of me to do it, but this is my hope: moving forward will at least give me the momentum to cross the finish line and then cop a U to pick up the pieces I've let behind.
Wish me luck and please keep me accountable. Bug me on Twitter. Leave nasty comments like, "SOOOOOO, how's the book coming?????" KEEP. ME. SANE. Remind me that draft-suck is not novel-suck. Shower me with good quotes, good music, and good company for the next week or so, and I promise to love you forever.
Deal? Too late. You shook on it.
Hug me, you beautiful people!
Deserae <3
P.S. New Daily Dose is up! I might have to rename those Weekly Doses. Sorry about the inconsistency. Daily Dose is just SO catchy!
Commenting on Comments
Aria- Thanks! And it's good to see Blogger is working again for you! I'm definitely trying to keep my head above water, but I love that you have faith that I can do it--- having support makes me believe it, too. Haha! "...and look good doing it...." Well, Darlin'... You know how I do. Lol! :) May the force be with me, huh? Ay dios mio...
