How We March Along

Lately I've been thinking. And, no, this isn't anything new. I've been thinking about the things that motivate us, and me, more specifically, to continue on, even when we feel like we've lost sight of the point 20 miles back down the road.

There are two truths: life is wonderful, and life sucks. And I know, that sounds contradictory, but in your heart, you know it's true. There are two sides to every coin, but just because they're opposites, doesn't mean they cancel out one another. The two somehow have found a way to coincide--- to both be equally real and equally important in order for us to be able to have a hold of the whole...

So life is great. And life is not. And that's what makes it yours and mine. Our stories of love AND war. Of good AND bad. Of joy AND pain. If we didn't have one, I doubt we'd appreciate or understand the other.

There's been a lot on my mind and on my heart lately. Things I have yet to fully understand or reason out. Part of me is annoyed at all this conflict, but a bigger chunk is excited. I haven't been this introspective since my freshman and sophomore year which was the darkest year and a half of my life. And I'm glad that I've learned to search myself without having to go to that dark place. And I'm surprised that all of a sudden, I have this urge to analyze every. little. thing.

I just... I haven't been very motivated lately and I've wondered why that is. What used to propel me forward without my even having to think on it? What made me want to get out of bed and conquer the world? Because nowadays, I stay up late to enjoy the solace that is the early morning. And I wake up to the late morning sun, not wanting to crawl from the safety of my blankets to do the things I know must be done. I want to sleep. I want to dream of a world where your only responsibility is to yourself and to the life you want to lead. As I write this, I realize that the world actually DOES sort of work this way, but it's not an exact science here in reality... When you wake up, there are just as many HAVE TO DOs as there are WANT TO DOs.

I've been drifting, and that's not a state I like to be in. That's the place you go when you don't know what to do with yourself. That's the place you go when you're about to face a crossroads of either giving up or giving your all. I could just turn around. I could turn around right now and skip this purgatory and go straight for the gusto. But I can't because I don't know what I'd be fighting for. For myself? For... something?

What's my motivation? God has always been my rock, but I've been getting radio silence from the Big Man Upstairs. Usually, I get this feeling in my gut that's telling me which way to turn, where to go, who to take with me... But "lately it's so quiet, in this place..." I don't exactly feel lost, but I feel stuck in suspended animation, spinning around and around as I contemplate what to do next.

Now I know life is good. And I know life isn't always that way. But it's never like this--- we do this to ourselves. Situations come and go, and they alter the way we perceive things and they challenge us to do better, to be stronger... But ultimately, we're in control of the paths we take and the moves we make and I'm just TRYING TO REMEMBER how I used to march along. How did I drag my feet along the gravel and hope they'd lead me to a better tomorrow? I'm still doing that. Dragging my feet, moving forward. But I can't remember why. How do you guys keep marching on?

Love always,
Deserae

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Nicole- I think I commented on your blog yesterday about how freaking proud I am that you won first in your meet, but here's a more public announcement: I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU! Thanks for being there for me, and also, yes. Monday's are like the murderers of coherency. What is wrong with them?

Maya- Definitely use his diaper days against him, and also, whenever you see him flirting with a girl, make fun of his technique. Boys LOVE that ;). I was not so careful with my chocolate intake. I think I ate seven mini-Twix and a handful of butterscotch candies in less than a 24 hr. period. :) And uh-oh! You think we're going to take different sides? Nonsense! Or... is it? Haha! We'll see and yes! I'll let you know! Merci beaucoup, ma cherie. Oh Lord, Maya... One day, you'll have to teach me French.

WriMo Day 10

I know the day's still young, but I just agh! I can't write anymore! I think I need to take a creative break and write a song or do jumping jacks. I don't know. Everything in me is just rebelling against hitting the 20,000 word mark and I KNOW why I do this. I KNOW I'm just scared of this story going anywhere. But...

It still doesn't change the fact that I'm not writing right now. No matter how long I keep my eyes on this computer screen, the words just AREN'T going to come out. So I think I'm going to take a break. I think I'm going to think ahead and plot out what's going to happen beyond this scene. And we'll try again a little later. That's fair, right? I'm sure it's at least fair enough.

I've already got 253 words out today, though, so just in case I never return (aka go to bed without opening The Girl Book document again until tomorrow), I thought I'd introduce you to girl number two.

She's the oldest of the bunch and she's my Southern Belle. Sarah's character is so much fun to write because she's this no-nonsense, go-after-your-dreams type person who hails from New Orleans and is not afraid to get down. Too bad I'm not working on a Faye scene (you have to call her Faye, folks. If you don't, she will kill you); I would've been done yesterday!

Oh. And you see that weird "ear piercings" thing? Please ignore it. I make notes on my character drawings so that I can remember certain things like eye color, hair color, and things like their goals and hometowns and what nots. So yeah. That's what that is.

Do you guys do character profiles before you begin writing? I don't do it all the time, but sometimes (ESPECIALLY when working with multiple MC's) it helps. How do you go about doing it if you do and what information do you count as relevant?

Until next time, Loves. Here's a song of my little sister's favorite "college" boy singing an original song of his. Ignore the talking in the beginning. The song is actually quite lovely when you give it a listen.

Ciao for now,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Maya: Thanks, Lovely. I had a great time and seriously loved the movie. I'm a little biased, though, because when you put Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. together in a film... that's... that's just not fair. :) My dear little Wondercat is now shaved and skinny. But she's clean! And that, my friend is a beautiful thing. I was glad I chose Lynnette too until my sister was like, "You've always just spelled it with one 'n.'" And I was like, "Did I?" And she was like "...Yeah." So... I'm confused once again. I guess, we'll see what happens. But spelling aside, her name is still Lyn(n)ette. And I mean, that's pretty awesome. Lol!