How We March Along

Lately I've been thinking. And, no, this isn't anything new. I've been thinking about the things that motivate us, and me, more specifically, to continue on, even when we feel like we've lost sight of the point 20 miles back down the road.

There are two truths: life is wonderful, and life sucks. And I know, that sounds contradictory, but in your heart, you know it's true. There are two sides to every coin, but just because they're opposites, doesn't mean they cancel out one another. The two somehow have found a way to coincide--- to both be equally real and equally important in order for us to be able to have a hold of the whole...

So life is great. And life is not. And that's what makes it yours and mine. Our stories of love AND war. Of good AND bad. Of joy AND pain. If we didn't have one, I doubt we'd appreciate or understand the other.

There's been a lot on my mind and on my heart lately. Things I have yet to fully understand or reason out. Part of me is annoyed at all this conflict, but a bigger chunk is excited. I haven't been this introspective since my freshman and sophomore year which was the darkest year and a half of my life. And I'm glad that I've learned to search myself without having to go to that dark place. And I'm surprised that all of a sudden, I have this urge to analyze every. little. thing.

I just... I haven't been very motivated lately and I've wondered why that is. What used to propel me forward without my even having to think on it? What made me want to get out of bed and conquer the world? Because nowadays, I stay up late to enjoy the solace that is the early morning. And I wake up to the late morning sun, not wanting to crawl from the safety of my blankets to do the things I know must be done. I want to sleep. I want to dream of a world where your only responsibility is to yourself and to the life you want to lead. As I write this, I realize that the world actually DOES sort of work this way, but it's not an exact science here in reality... When you wake up, there are just as many HAVE TO DOs as there are WANT TO DOs.

I've been drifting, and that's not a state I like to be in. That's the place you go when you don't know what to do with yourself. That's the place you go when you're about to face a crossroads of either giving up or giving your all. I could just turn around. I could turn around right now and skip this purgatory and go straight for the gusto. But I can't because I don't know what I'd be fighting for. For myself? For... something?

What's my motivation? God has always been my rock, but I've been getting radio silence from the Big Man Upstairs. Usually, I get this feeling in my gut that's telling me which way to turn, where to go, who to take with me... But "lately it's so quiet, in this place..." I don't exactly feel lost, but I feel stuck in suspended animation, spinning around and around as I contemplate what to do next.

Now I know life is good. And I know life isn't always that way. But it's never like this--- we do this to ourselves. Situations come and go, and they alter the way we perceive things and they challenge us to do better, to be stronger... But ultimately, we're in control of the paths we take and the moves we make and I'm just TRYING TO REMEMBER how I used to march along. How did I drag my feet along the gravel and hope they'd lead me to a better tomorrow? I'm still doing that. Dragging my feet, moving forward. But I can't remember why. How do you guys keep marching on?

Love always,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Nicole- I think I commented on your blog yesterday about how freaking proud I am that you won first in your meet, but here's a more public announcement: I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU! Thanks for being there for me, and also, yes. Monday's are like the murderers of coherency. What is wrong with them?

Maya- Definitely use his diaper days against him, and also, whenever you see him flirting with a girl, make fun of his technique. Boys LOVE that ;). I was not so careful with my chocolate intake. I think I ate seven mini-Twix and a handful of butterscotch candies in less than a 24 hr. period. :) And uh-oh! You think we're going to take different sides? Nonsense! Or... is it? Haha! We'll see and yes! I'll let you know! Merci beaucoup, ma cherie. Oh Lord, Maya... One day, you'll have to teach me French.

Saturday Snapshot #4: For Talia

I write songs for my books, as you guys know, and there's one in particular that I started but never finished--- liked, but never quite got  there with. Well, I thought I'd post the half-bitten lyrics for a girl named Talia who's got heart, spunk, and wisdom for days, but might need a little something every once and again to make her smile. Hope this does the job, Love.

"Trust Me" -KISSE
I know you look at me and all you see's
A broken-hearted lovesick personality,
But all you've done is glimpsed at the surface
Trust me I'm working on
Becoming me and loving you
You seem to be alright now, Love, and I'll be too,
But all I know's that hearts are imperfect---
Trust me, I'm learning,
That when things start to fall apart, we've still gotta hold together.
I'll recollect all my broken parts and save them for later.

We stare out onto the lake, throw a pebble in and watch it sink
And I know what you're thinking: Just keep on breathing
'Cause, Love, we're not through yet;
Our world is dark, now, but there's light up ahead and
Trust me we'll make it, buh-lieve me, we'll make it through.

---- This is where I've always stopped, but here's the second verse even though I need to change it---

I know that soon there's gonna be a day
When cynical delusions keep flooding my brain,
Just hold my hand and say that you'll lead me,
I don't mind being
The one who keeps asking for help
This is the only way I know to save myself,
So promise me you'll be right beside me,
Trust me I'm trying...
And when things start to fall apart,
You know I'll get it together,
Brush it off, stand up, and restart
Because I know things get better

We stare out onto the lake, throw a pebble in and watch it sink
And I know what you're thinking: Just keep on breathing.
'Cause, Love, we're not through yet,
Our world is dark, now, but there's light up ahead and
Trust me we'll make it, buh-lieve me, we'll make it through.

Love,
Deserae
P.S. The song above is a favorite of Ms. T's. Definitely give it a listen and her blog a look-see.

Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow

TODAY is a Thursday.
YESTERDAY wasn't.
TOMORROW will be Friday. I'm kind of excited.
TODAY I'll be reading.
YESTERDAY I didn't.
TOMORROW I won't be either because I have some writing to do for myself.
TODAY feels amazing.
YESTERDAY was alright.
TOMORROW holds the possibility of being even better than the day that came before it.
TODAY hasn't ended yet.
YESTERDAY has.
TOMORROW hasn't come. I feel like it's avoiding me.
TODAY hasn't been so productive yet.
YESTERDAY wasn't productive at all.
TOMORROW can be whatever I want it to be, but sometimes I wonder if I rely on it being there too much.
TODAY I've been listening to music.
YESTERDAY I hung out with a friend.
TOMORROW promises me nothing except maybes and mysteries.
TODAY is mine.
YESTERDAY was too.
TOMORROW is someones, but isn't guaranteed for us all.
TODAY is like a game of roulette.
YESTERDAY I must have lucked out.
but TOMORROW isn't in the cards for all of us.

Live right today. Love your yesterdays. Long for tomorrow. And do so in order.
Deserae McGlothen
P.S. John 3:16

Maybe, Baby

There's a wonderful word in this world called maybe, and I've learned to embrace it for all that it is.

Maybe is not a no, so when I ask my mom if I can go to an author signing in La Habra and she says, "Maybe," I try not to throw hissy fits anymore or blame her for ruining my life.

Maybe is almost a yes, so when my sister asks if she can borrow my blazer and I tell her, "Maybe," I notice that she smiles and leaves me alone for a while. I always give in despite the fact that everyone tells her she looks great in it, and I haven't gotten compliments on it in two flipping years.

Maybe means thought is being given, so when my teachers start the class with, "Well, maybe..." I can tell they're considering giving us a break. And I find that I'm beyond grateful that they even took the time to consider this. They could have started the class with "Page three hundred and ninety-four," without thought for my feelings or of what I wanted to do. So when I hear maybe, I'm thankful. Very, very thankful.

Maybe is a good thing. It spares you outright rejection. I've been rejected before and it hurts. Maybe, at least, shows you there was something that attracted a person to you in the first place. Maybe means there's something they liked enough to not just walk away, and maybe that's a good thing don't you think?

Maybe's full of hope. Hope for what could be only had a fifty-fifty chance before maybe stepped in. It's opened a whole can of possibilities. Possibilities beget opportunities, and opportunities, as you know, are hard to come by. There's hope in some words, but not so much as there is in a maybe. Maybe that's just a coincidence. But maybe--- maybe it's not.

I have a thought for you. It starts with a "what if." What if you embraced maybe for all that it is? Maybe it'll help you take pride in yourself, your writing, and the maybes you come by on a daily basis. Here's another: what if you started to appreciate them and open yourself up to the possibilities a maybe presents to you? There's something big attached to the whole "positive thinking" thing. The cards are in your favor so long as you remember you've already turned the tide. Maybe you should try it. Tell me how believing in the power of the "maybe" works out for you.

:)
~Deserae McGlothen

Being Writer: A Series on Writing

I pride myself on two things: being a writer and being a thinker. Being a thinker doesn't make you a writer, but as a writer, inherently, you've got to be something of a thoughtful person. And no, I don't mean "thoughtful" as kind here; I mean thought-full--- full of philosophies, opinions, and ideas that mold who we are on and off the paper.

So in the spirit of being one who thinks and one who writes, I think I will write something encouraging to you all, in the form of a four part series called BEING WRITER, a lesson (or a reteaching, rather) on what makes us writers in the simplest form of the word. This isn't called BEING AUTHOR--- this series isn't professional and it's not going to get you published. What it is going to do is encourage you. Motivate you. Slap you around a few times and then slap you again. Remind you that writing is a way of life (and sometimes, life, itself) before it becomes a career. BEING WRITER is about you; it's about all of us individually and collectively. And the four pieces that I'm going to elaborate on starting Monday of next week (Feb. 7th) are the four things that I've been meditating on for the past week or so as I attempt to understand who I am in this relationship I've invested in for the past who knows how many years of my life. Writing starts with you and starting Monday, I am going to reveal my thoughts on how to ensure that your foundation is set before, during, and after you set out to write that first draft.

Projects keep me going, People,
Deserae McG

P.S. The official schedule for BEING writer looks like this:
Monday: How to Write a Novel
Tuesday: Why we Write and What Inspires Us.
Wednesday: Handy Dandy Notebooks
Thursday: Who we be  
And guess what! Tomorrow's Friday! Check back in for the first installment of my short story blog series!