Little High, Little Low

Since I last wrote, some exciting things have happened for me in terms of my writing related goals. I joined a team of wonderful and talented writers that are working on a Korean fashion webzine, and the first article that I helped out with (edits, yays!) just went live this morning. And even my fiction writing is coming along. WELCOME TO OCTOBER has been featured on Storybird's "New and Noted" page after only a month of me working on it.

But I've been feeling less than satisfied these days. Content in some areas, but completely unmotivated in others.

I don't know why I'm like this: it feels like I have a million things I want to do but can only do one thing wholeheartedly. And then after that's done, I just don't know what to do. As if that first to-do list never existed--- as if those desires are less for some reason. Either because of timing or the fear of not finishing--- whatever.

I read Lisi Harrison's blah-g post today about intent and... I didn't say this there, but I really think "intent" is my problem. I WANT to do all of these things and I INTEND to get them all done and have plans for world (and to-do list) domination. But there is something wrong with me somewhere inside. I rarely continue on to DO anything I intended to do.

So I find myself here, you know. Typing blog posts instead of stories. Typing stories instead of articles. Writing articles instead of learning Korean. Learning Korean instead of writing anything. And somewhere in the cycle feeling lost, confused, exhausted, frustrated, sorry, and sometimes all of the above at once.

Sometimes I really think I'm doing something. Like I'm really getting closer to completing one of my goals or like I'm really gaining skills in whatever.

But sometimes I wake up and sit down at my computer or with my textbooks and just feel like I'm wasting time. Like I really need to reevaluate what I'm doing--- ask myself, "Desi, what are you doing???"

Maybe I just feel this way as I restlessly wait to depart for Korea. Once I get there, I KNOW I'm going to have a different focus. I'll have to teach-- learn how to teach-- and maybe that's why as I sit here, I'm just like, "I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING!!!" Or something else.

But not knowing WHY I get these crazies... not knowing HOW to deal with them... it drives me nuts. Like Lisi, I am not one to wallow. I am not one to feel sorry for myself. I like to figure out what's wrong so I can fix it. But I can't FIX this part of me, apparently. I mean, I've tried.

On days like this, instead of looking forward, I do take a moment to look back. I look back to see what I HAVE accomplished. I wrote 500 words with this blog post. I promoted my Mutzine lovelies on social media. The article's getting a little attention. My story has been featured on a site I just found out about two seconds ago. I fed myself today and am fortunate enough to be able to say I'm about to hop in the shower.

All good.

There is nothing wrong with what I'm doing in hindsight, but in the moment, it feels like I'm doing life all wrong. So I thought I'd take myself out of the moment for a while with this bit of randomness. It helps just to talk a bit. It's nice to reflect. And maybe now that I have, I can start feeling excitement for one of the things on my to-do list.

Apples and chocolates,
Deserae

Some Things Never Change

I realized something today. I have pretty much been the same person from the day I was born to the millisecond in time I spend finding the words to mean "right now."

I will still look at you funny if I don't know you.

I will still make a fuss if I'm hungry, but be totally silent if upset.

I still love stories and the people who tell them.

I still want to travel, learn languages, hit the lottery (and my backup plan is still to become an even more professional bum).

I'm still writing. I write stuff. But there's a pattern, you know, to what happens when I decide to be brave and share.

When I start sharing my words, I write more and more. I write chapter after chapter, notes upon notes, and I even want to blog.

I've been writing and sharing some stories. If you're interested in those stories, join me over at Storybird where I'm sharing something old that I keep going back to and something new, but bittersweet. Although I can't exactly say I'm "back from the dead," I am writing again. So you might hear from me more often than you have in the past year. That's for sure. Exciting things are happening for me. I'm moving to another country for a year, learning languages, and old enough to play the lotto. Plan A might be working out for me after all.

Plan B don't sound too bad, though, to be honest.

Soez.

Just keep swimming,
Deserae