But I've been feeling less than satisfied these days. Content in some areas, but completely unmotivated in others.
I don't know why I'm like this: it feels like I have a million things I want to do but can only do one thing wholeheartedly. And then after that's done, I just don't know what to do. As if that first to-do list never existed--- as if those desires are less for some reason. Either because of timing or the fear of not finishing--- whatever.
I read Lisi Harrison's blah-g post today about intent and... I didn't say this there, but I really think "intent" is my problem. I WANT to do all of these things and I INTEND to get them all done and have plans for world (and to-do list) domination. But there is something wrong with me somewhere inside. I rarely continue on to DO anything I intended to do.
So I find myself here, you know. Typing blog posts instead of stories. Typing stories instead of articles. Writing articles instead of learning Korean. Learning Korean instead of writing anything. And somewhere in the cycle feeling lost, confused, exhausted, frustrated, sorry, and sometimes all of the above at once.
Sometimes I really think I'm doing something. Like I'm really getting closer to completing one of my goals or like I'm really gaining skills in whatever.
But sometimes I wake up and sit down at my computer or with my textbooks and just feel like I'm wasting time. Like I really need to reevaluate what I'm doing--- ask myself, "Desi, what are you doing???"
Maybe I just feel this way as I restlessly wait to depart for Korea. Once I get there, I KNOW I'm going to have a different focus. I'll have to teach-- learn how to teach-- and maybe that's why as I sit here, I'm just like, "I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING!!!" Or something else.
But not knowing WHY I get these crazies... not knowing HOW to deal with them... it drives me nuts. Like Lisi, I am not one to wallow. I am not one to feel sorry for myself. I like to figure out what's wrong so I can fix it. But I can't FIX this part of me, apparently. I mean, I've tried.
On days like this, instead of looking forward, I do take a moment to look back. I look back to see what I HAVE accomplished. I wrote 500 words with this blog post. I promoted my Mutzine lovelies on social media. The article's getting a little attention. My story has been featured on a site I just found out about two seconds ago. I fed myself today and am fortunate enough to be able to say I'm about to hop in the shower.
All good.
There is nothing wrong with what I'm doing in hindsight, but in the moment, it feels like I'm doing life all wrong. So I thought I'd take myself out of the moment for a while with this bit of randomness. It helps just to talk a bit. It's nice to reflect. And maybe now that I have, I can start feeling excitement for one of the things on my to-do list.
Apples and chocolates,
Deserae
Typing blog posts instead of stories. Typing stories instead of articles. Writing articles instead of learning Korean. Learning Korean instead of writing anything.
ReplyDeleteCorrect me if I'm wrong, but aren't you inadvertently doing the things you're supposed to be doing, if in a roundabout way? ^_^ I donno. But you are so accomplished, cupcake, you just need to occasionally take a step back and bask in it. I don't want to list them - you've already done it in this post - but that list is impressive. Enjoy it :) When do you take off to Korea?
As I type this reply over six months later, your words sound as fresh as they did the first time I read them, and give me just as much encouragement. Laila, thanks for always being a supportive voice in my writing ear. I'm in Korea now (took off a month after posting this one), and am enjoying the ups and really feeling the downs of being in another country "on my own." Am definitely trying to appreciate the things I DO more than the things I DON'T DO these days. Hope you are well!
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