Happy Halloween!

At my school, there's a NaNoWriMo kickoff event happening tonight. For an hour, I'll be writing with a bunch of like-minded people, and making sense of the world one comma at a time. It's so strange that NaNo is here and that I don't feel ready. I don't feel like it's plunge-taking season or complete-a-novel month and yet, it's here.

When you wake in the morning, visit Sommertales. The first part of GOING SOMEWHERE will be up, and it's for you guys so check it out.

My sister used this song on her first blog post. It inspired me so much, I thought you might benefit from hearing it, too. Happy Halloween, Lovelies! And welcome to November.

Love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Nicole- Eeep! So glad you like the twins. They are way too handsome for their own good. And I'm also glad you're excited for GOING SOMEWHERE. I am, too! Let's be excited together! Thanks for saying you like my voice, by the way. I'm so self-conscious about recordings because I honestly don't think I sound the same way in real life and it irks me. But I know what you mean about the tone of a voice letting you know something about a person... I like that my tone of voice tells you good things!

Sonal- Bombshells are cool when they're exciting bits of news like that! Love the new layout the "new you"... I hope you find tons of happiness at this new "location." Happiness, I hear, is good. :) Thanks for all of your kindness, Love. It's so good to be back. I know I don't say it enough but I miss you all as well. One more midterm this Friday and then I'm back to normal. Pinky promise; pinky swear. 

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

What I love about you guys is that I don't have to hide anything about myself from you all. I can speak about my religion. About my thoughts. About my feelings. About anything. And you all indulge me. You're all kind and thoughtful and respectful and what's better still is that you all seem to hear me beyond the political/personal things we may or may not agree upon.

In short, I adore you all.

Today, I want to talk. To get out some thoughts and some anger and some sadness. I just want to vent. After all, that's what blogging is for is it not? Okay. It's not. I know and respect that. But today, I want to break my shell just a little bit. Crack myself open just a little bit. Let you guys in. After all, you've earned my trust, so why not?

The truth is people count on me. I don't know why or when or how this has come to be, but it just IS. I've come to accept and embrace this. In fact, I'm going to be a Resident Adviser at my university next year. I'm overseeing TWO buildings full of freshmen and I'm excited. I get to be Noel, you guys. I GET TO BE NOEL.

But what I find funny is that, in a lot of ways, I've always been Noel. I've always been that person who people could talk to, who was only focused on one thing, who had trouble adapting to change... Though Noel has way more relationship drama than I ever hope to have, myself, he's a committed kinda guy. Once you're in his circle, you're in it for life if you want to be.

However, if you don't want to be--- if for whatever reason you keep hurting me, if you keep pushing me away--- then I, like Noel, will let you go. Ties can be broken pleasantly (Noel and Hannah) or they can be severed, seemingly irrevocably (Noel and Felicity once or twice). Still, after the fire has gone out and the dust has settled, I don't forget you. I hold you in my heart for ever. Every wrong, every right, everything, it's still there. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just... It's just that I don't want to forget the people who made my life something. You know what I mean?

I've used this example countless times, but when I was in high school I participated in our Stage Crew. And it was great. I made so many wonderful memories with a group of friends I thought I'd have forever. But today, I don't talk to any of them. Our director kinda kicked me out of the class and none of them reached out to me. Not even the ones I thought would be there. Not even though I "really" needed them.

For a long time, I was angry. At myself, though, for trusting them. But then the fire died and the dust settled. In my mind's eye, I can only see the good from my experience there even though I know the bad.

And guys, I'm angry again. At myself for letting a person I know and care about guilt me into thinking I've caused their pain. In my stomach is a fire roaring, "I'm NOT to blame. I can not force you to talk to me. I will NOT keep asking questions you refuse to answer. How is your pain my fault if you refuse to be happy? I  want to be happy!"

And it feels like the dust will never settle. It feels like it's always going to be one thing or something else. I feel  like there's just a negative spirit or air oppressing my friend and instead of attacking that, this person is attacking me. They know how to push my buttons. Guilt is usually their weapon of choice. And though I love this person and want to show God's love to this person, it feels like no matter what I do--- or say or don't do or don't say--- it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong because, for whatever reason, they don't want things to be right.

I'm sad today because... this is the only way I know how to get through to people. With words. With truth. With little reminders like "You're not the only one hurting." Like, "When you hurt, we all hurt. Every one who loves you." I'm sad because the truth is, though I want to be there, though I want to help, I don't know how to be except through "good morning"s and "how are you"s and hoping to get an honest answer.

I'm sad because I have a feeling that this, once read, will not be received. It will be used against me like all of the words before these. That's the trouble with text, I think. It's easy to skim over without seeing the message underneath. I'm a straightforward person. If I think you're mad, I'll ask you. If I'm upset, I'll tell you. So what I'm hoping this post will do for my friend is show them how I feel. What I think. Give them a chance to do the same to me. Because I'm literally DONE with guessing. And being blamed. And getting hurt.

An aside to this friend of mine:
What I want, now, is to help you with YOUR hurt. With your pain. With whatever it is that you're going through. I want to help in whatever way I can. If you need someone to talk to. If you don't want me to actually speak my mind, but just be on the other end. If you're tired of hearing the truth and need someone to lie to you. If you're ready to be honest with yourself but need someone to bear witness to the occasion...

I DO NOT MIND BEING THAT PERSON.
I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
BUT I CANNOT BE THAT PERSON--- IF YOU WILL NOT LET ME.

That's all I've been trying to say for the past who knows how long. I don't know what to do because I'm not getting much to go off, here. You're not bothering me. You're not a burden. You're just hurting. And really, that's okay.

What happens often is you take a stab at me and DUH. IT HURTS. I'll bounce back a million times, but know this--- I, like you, can only take so much. Correction: I will only take so much. And now you know that. So tell me what you're thinking IF you really want me to know! If not, that's okay. Just don't hold that against me--- don't blame me for not understanding. I assure you, I'm not the problem. And if I am, you know what I'd advise you to do: address the problem, then let it go.

Even though it'd hurt me like mad to know I'm the source of your pain, I'd rather know you were doing alright without me than to have both of us suffering for no good reason. We will live on without one another if that's what we have to do to be at peace. But if you need me right now, I'm here. I always have been and I pretty much will be until you say otherwise.

And back to you guys:
There is only one reason I'm addressing you guys at all. I want you guys to realize that we're all the person SOMEBODY needs. Do you have a friend? A sibling? A parent? A classmate? An anyone who sees you on the regular? An anyone at all? Whether you realize it or not, you are needed and you are loved. Please, you guys... Don't refuse to see your worth, your contribution to the world as a member of it.

You see, Uncle Ben once told his nephew, Spidey, that "...with great power comes great responsibility." You have no idea the power your smile, your "hello," your presence has on the people who are blessed to know you. It's your responsibility to be there whenever and in whatever way you can. But even God's Word tells us not to remain in bad counsel. What He means is, if being needed means putting a strain on you that you can't bear, you've got to let go.

I have been emotionally troubled this past year. A lot of stuff has happened, stuff I haven't told you guys for fear of reopening wounds that haven't exactly healed. Little things. Big ones. All kinds of ones I've only talked about with special people because of their ability to hear me... to understand... I realize now that I can't be everything to everyone, and that's okay. I want us all to find peace.

Tell me what's so wrong about that. Tell me what I can do to realize it, and I will.

-Deserae
P.S. I responded to a tag yesterday. That was fun and I promise to be happier next time when the world isn't against me. It likes to side with me from time to time so I have faith...
P.P.S. Yes, I have a feeling that once I post this a wave of anxiety will wash over me regarding the response. No, I will not take it down. I think it's good to be honest--- with others. With yourself.

Commenting on Comments

A.K.A. Thanks for making me smile

Emily- You created the award? Well you are a lovely person as well. Thank you for inadvertently getting me tagged. I have it on good authority that a lot of people were made happy by our surprise from Maya. :)

Sonal- You're watching Once Upon a Time?! Oh bless you! I adore that show. It's coming back for us in September. Do you know when it'll be on in Billy Shakespeare Land? 

Nicole- I believe those are essential colors for one's wardrobe. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. Lol! Keep up your mischievous ways. Let those neighbors of yours have it, Girly! :]

Desi is Afraid

There comes a point in every little Deserae's life where she feels SO confident, and SO grand that the only logical thing for Life to do is to knock her off her high horse. And I think it's safe to say that all of us go through these random bursts of, "WHA?!?!?! But everything was going so well!" because let us face it--- Life likes to have a good laugh at our expense every now and again.

Thus was my reaction to my first day of classes. I am just now (after two quarters, the equivalent of six months as a college student) realizing that college? Well, it's hard.

I'm taking an honest to goodness English class. A class about literature as a SUBJECT rather than as a piece of culture. Meaning, we're talking about reading, and books, and what makes literature literature and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. As opposed to my Brit Lit class last quarter where we just read things and tried our hardest not to cry, or my Jewish Lit class where we read more things and pretended we finished all the novels, or EVEN the Greek Lit class I'm taking alongside Lit 1 where everything--- EVERYTHING!--- is WRITTEN IN ANCIENT GREEK!!!, THIS CLASS focuses on the WHY we read and WHY reading makes us feel the way we do and whether or not that is the fault or greatness of the WRITER or if it's the judgment bestowed upon the text by the reader... Guys I know that was a freaking long sentence but needless to say, I am TERRIFIED of how this quarter is going to go.

I did pretty alright last quarter. I got my first A as a college student, somehow managed to pull off a B in Greek, and passed the only class I attended every (okay ALMOST every) lecture for with a C (I told you Life was weird). But I don't know! For some reason, that all made me so determined to rock this quarter and then WHAT HAPPENS?!?!

Desi takes an intense Lit class dealing with the analysis of reading and literature as an art ON TOP OF taking a class that contains material that's only in another freaking language!!!

And my "just for fun and general eds" class turns out to be pretty hardcore for a class that promised we'd only be talking about boobs, periods, and menopause (it's Female Physiology; what'd you expect?!). I'm just DYING here and I haven't even started! There's something wrong with the world. Something very wrong indeed.

But on the bright side, I love both of my professors because, oh! Did I tell you? My Greek Lit and Lit 1 teacher are one 'n the same? Yes, yes. And I absolutely adore her. And thankfully my other professor is just as confident, fun, and kind, thank the Lord. And on the other bright side, my Greek Lit class is PURELY reading and quizzes based on that. No essays for that one or for Female Physiology, hallelujah! So it's only Lit 1 that I have to worry about for written assignments...  It's just going to be a lot of reading and a lot of work. That's why I need you guys to keep me sane.

Get it? Got it?

Good.
Deserae
P.S. Nicole and Maya, thanks for commenting last time. Love ya'll mucho and thanks for your well wishes. I did alright and I'm going to try to better. Pinky swear.

The Fear

I missed my Monday Mayhem post but it was probably for the best. I was exhausted last night and I probably needed a break from the mayhem that is my life for at least another day.

Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of good things going on for me at the moment and a lot of good things have happened this week that I want to share with you. 

I now have 15 followers so thanks, Loves. I appreciate all of you even if you don't read every single post. Because you took time out of one of your days to follow me and it's because of each of you that I can even say I'm at 15 (which, honestly, I never thought would happen. Weird, right? Because, pssh! I'm... almost awesome... yes?... don't say no...). People might think it's petty of me to celebrate 15, but I'm sorry--- I don't. I am grateful every time I log on to see that I have at least 1 person looking at my stuff. And because all of you are important, 15 is a pretty big deal in my opinion. 

I am starting to get at least a comment on every post, so thanks, again, for those of you who write back to me. I try to write back to you by commenting, too, but Sonal does something really cute on her blog that I might try out soon if the comments keep coming in. She responds to her comments in her posts every once in a while, which is really neat because she's constantly having a dialogue with her viewers. I love that, and I think it's really cool. We shall see if this is something we'll try, too. 

And besides both of those amazing blog things, I've been stumbling upon even more amazing blogs. Maybe Sonal just has the best followers in the world or something, but I've recently joined Poppy's blog and Abby's blog and am looking forward to what they're going to post. I don't know... both blogs appeal to me. Maybe it's the pretty pictures. Or maybe I trust Sonal (who you should follow, by the way) who has great taste in books, blogs, and boots. 

And in the midst of all of these good things, I stumbled across something that was not so good. This week, I had to answer the question "What's your biggest fear?" on more than one occasion, and it's weird to know that my biggest fear is failing. 

I know, I know. A LOT of us are afraid of failing. But I'm so afraid of failing that I tend to do one of two things that I know are utterly ridiculous, but do anyway because I'm silly and can't help myself.

1. I refuse to try things I know I won't be good at.
See, I thought this was me not doing things I "didn't like," at one point. But when I really looked over the things I "didn't like," most of the items on the list were things I couldn't do. For a long time, I hated my Drawing and Painting class, but that was because I couldn't draw or paint. I never tried dancing hip hop because I knew I couldn't move my body the way it needed to move to properly execute a move. So, essentially, I've kept myself from trying different things out of fear. And Dudes and Dudettes, that is lame for so many reasons, but know that I'm breaking the habit because I'm only hurting myself from becoming the rounded individual I claim to want to be.

2. What's even more worse is that, if I think I'm going to fail, I shut down instead of revving up.
What I mean by that can only be described through the horrible (yet completely true) story of when I failed Dance the second semester of my freshman year. I went through a serious bout of depression that year and I stopped really caring about my classes and what not. Dance, though, hurt my grades the most because the only way to stop caring about a P.E. class is to stop participating completely. So I did and, eventually, my grade started to drop. And there was a point where I instinctively knew that I was reaching a point where I had to either step it up or prepare myself to literally fail. I chose the latter road because it was easier and because I was scared that even if I tried, I wouldn't succeed.

This second habit is not so easy to break. It's one of those things that I'm working on, but it takes more than an "I'm going to try something new today!" to cure. This second act only comes at a point where I've literally got to choose to fight for redemption or accept defeat. And while I can usually fight against external issues that others and situations create for me with no problem, this premeditated self-destruction comes from the inside.

It attacks me at my core because I was the one who dug that first hole to begin with. I was the one who made the mess. If I had only pushed harder, I wouldn't have to climb back up the wall. If I had only cared earlier, I wouldn't have to struggle to make it through.

I'm telling you guys this because it's important. It's important to see yourself for all that you are and all that you're not from outside of what you already know. And after you take this look in the mirror, evaluate what you see. Separate the good from the bad, the things you can change from the things you can't. And strive to be better. Push to rid yourself of the things that are part of you, but are not part of who you want to be.

I have a short list I'm working on right now. Thanks to the friends and family I've had who were brave enough to tell me that I have the tendency to be a grumpalumpagus, my attitude has been changing into something more positive and (I have to say) more me. Thanks to the question regarding my greatest fear, I'm working on trying new things and pushing myself to try in spite of how bad things may seem. Thanks to the imminent arrival of our replacement roomie (I am sad, People, but this, we'll save for another day), I've had to evaluate my attitude toward "strangers," and am going to have to learn how to open up and be nothing short of inviting. And thanks to Life who keeps providing struggles, heartache, and (unfortunately!) headaches, I am always evaluating and reevaluating myself. There's no wrong way to be me.

I hope you guys are having a pleasant evening. I just got back from class. Blegh! I hate night classes, and I feel like death.

But we keep marching on.

Love,
Deserae