With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

What I love about you guys is that I don't have to hide anything about myself from you all. I can speak about my religion. About my thoughts. About my feelings. About anything. And you all indulge me. You're all kind and thoughtful and respectful and what's better still is that you all seem to hear me beyond the political/personal things we may or may not agree upon.

In short, I adore you all.

Today, I want to talk. To get out some thoughts and some anger and some sadness. I just want to vent. After all, that's what blogging is for is it not? Okay. It's not. I know and respect that. But today, I want to break my shell just a little bit. Crack myself open just a little bit. Let you guys in. After all, you've earned my trust, so why not?

The truth is people count on me. I don't know why or when or how this has come to be, but it just IS. I've come to accept and embrace this. In fact, I'm going to be a Resident Adviser at my university next year. I'm overseeing TWO buildings full of freshmen and I'm excited. I get to be Noel, you guys. I GET TO BE NOEL.

But what I find funny is that, in a lot of ways, I've always been Noel. I've always been that person who people could talk to, who was only focused on one thing, who had trouble adapting to change... Though Noel has way more relationship drama than I ever hope to have, myself, he's a committed kinda guy. Once you're in his circle, you're in it for life if you want to be.

However, if you don't want to be--- if for whatever reason you keep hurting me, if you keep pushing me away--- then I, like Noel, will let you go. Ties can be broken pleasantly (Noel and Hannah) or they can be severed, seemingly irrevocably (Noel and Felicity once or twice). Still, after the fire has gone out and the dust has settled, I don't forget you. I hold you in my heart for ever. Every wrong, every right, everything, it's still there. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just... It's just that I don't want to forget the people who made my life something. You know what I mean?

I've used this example countless times, but when I was in high school I participated in our Stage Crew. And it was great. I made so many wonderful memories with a group of friends I thought I'd have forever. But today, I don't talk to any of them. Our director kinda kicked me out of the class and none of them reached out to me. Not even the ones I thought would be there. Not even though I "really" needed them.

For a long time, I was angry. At myself, though, for trusting them. But then the fire died and the dust settled. In my mind's eye, I can only see the good from my experience there even though I know the bad.

And guys, I'm angry again. At myself for letting a person I know and care about guilt me into thinking I've caused their pain. In my stomach is a fire roaring, "I'm NOT to blame. I can not force you to talk to me. I will NOT keep asking questions you refuse to answer. How is your pain my fault if you refuse to be happy? I  want to be happy!"

And it feels like the dust will never settle. It feels like it's always going to be one thing or something else. I feel  like there's just a negative spirit or air oppressing my friend and instead of attacking that, this person is attacking me. They know how to push my buttons. Guilt is usually their weapon of choice. And though I love this person and want to show God's love to this person, it feels like no matter what I do--- or say or don't do or don't say--- it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong because, for whatever reason, they don't want things to be right.

I'm sad today because... this is the only way I know how to get through to people. With words. With truth. With little reminders like "You're not the only one hurting." Like, "When you hurt, we all hurt. Every one who loves you." I'm sad because the truth is, though I want to be there, though I want to help, I don't know how to be except through "good morning"s and "how are you"s and hoping to get an honest answer.

I'm sad because I have a feeling that this, once read, will not be received. It will be used against me like all of the words before these. That's the trouble with text, I think. It's easy to skim over without seeing the message underneath. I'm a straightforward person. If I think you're mad, I'll ask you. If I'm upset, I'll tell you. So what I'm hoping this post will do for my friend is show them how I feel. What I think. Give them a chance to do the same to me. Because I'm literally DONE with guessing. And being blamed. And getting hurt.

An aside to this friend of mine:
What I want, now, is to help you with YOUR hurt. With your pain. With whatever it is that you're going through. I want to help in whatever way I can. If you need someone to talk to. If you don't want me to actually speak my mind, but just be on the other end. If you're tired of hearing the truth and need someone to lie to you. If you're ready to be honest with yourself but need someone to bear witness to the occasion...

I DO NOT MIND BEING THAT PERSON.
I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
BUT I CANNOT BE THAT PERSON--- IF YOU WILL NOT LET ME.

That's all I've been trying to say for the past who knows how long. I don't know what to do because I'm not getting much to go off, here. You're not bothering me. You're not a burden. You're just hurting. And really, that's okay.

What happens often is you take a stab at me and DUH. IT HURTS. I'll bounce back a million times, but know this--- I, like you, can only take so much. Correction: I will only take so much. And now you know that. So tell me what you're thinking IF you really want me to know! If not, that's okay. Just don't hold that against me--- don't blame me for not understanding. I assure you, I'm not the problem. And if I am, you know what I'd advise you to do: address the problem, then let it go.

Even though it'd hurt me like mad to know I'm the source of your pain, I'd rather know you were doing alright without me than to have both of us suffering for no good reason. We will live on without one another if that's what we have to do to be at peace. But if you need me right now, I'm here. I always have been and I pretty much will be until you say otherwise.

And back to you guys:
There is only one reason I'm addressing you guys at all. I want you guys to realize that we're all the person SOMEBODY needs. Do you have a friend? A sibling? A parent? A classmate? An anyone who sees you on the regular? An anyone at all? Whether you realize it or not, you are needed and you are loved. Please, you guys... Don't refuse to see your worth, your contribution to the world as a member of it.

You see, Uncle Ben once told his nephew, Spidey, that "...with great power comes great responsibility." You have no idea the power your smile, your "hello," your presence has on the people who are blessed to know you. It's your responsibility to be there whenever and in whatever way you can. But even God's Word tells us not to remain in bad counsel. What He means is, if being needed means putting a strain on you that you can't bear, you've got to let go.

I have been emotionally troubled this past year. A lot of stuff has happened, stuff I haven't told you guys for fear of reopening wounds that haven't exactly healed. Little things. Big ones. All kinds of ones I've only talked about with special people because of their ability to hear me... to understand... I realize now that I can't be everything to everyone, and that's okay. I want us all to find peace.

Tell me what's so wrong about that. Tell me what I can do to realize it, and I will.

-Deserae
P.S. I responded to a tag yesterday. That was fun and I promise to be happier next time when the world isn't against me. It likes to side with me from time to time so I have faith...
P.P.S. Yes, I have a feeling that once I post this a wave of anxiety will wash over me regarding the response. No, I will not take it down. I think it's good to be honest--- with others. With yourself.

Commenting on Comments

A.K.A. Thanks for making me smile

Emily- You created the award? Well you are a lovely person as well. Thank you for inadvertently getting me tagged. I have it on good authority that a lot of people were made happy by our surprise from Maya. :)

Sonal- You're watching Once Upon a Time?! Oh bless you! I adore that show. It's coming back for us in September. Do you know when it'll be on in Billy Shakespeare Land? 

Nicole- I believe those are essential colors for one's wardrobe. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. Lol! Keep up your mischievous ways. Let those neighbors of yours have it, Girly! :]

When Life Hands You Lemons...

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Or so the saying goes, encouraging us to make the best out of sour situations.

But to be honest, I've always hated the expression. I love the thought behind the phrase, but I always thought a better thing would be to make the most out of the situation ("When life hands you lemons, cut one of them open, plant the seed, grow a tree, and sell the lot for profit," say), or, if not the most, the best in your own interest (i.e. a "When life hands you lemons, make sure it hands you the cups, the lemon squeezer, the sugar, and the spoon to stir it with too," scenario). Sometimes, I want the saying to be cinematic--- to allow for a re-do (so "When life hands you lemons, throw them back and ask for something sweeter"). And sometimes I get the idea and just wish the thing had said, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, make enough to last for the rest of your life. Because it promises---promises!---never to hand you sour things ever, ever, ever again." 

Gah! I hate the expression. But lately, I've been having to make lemonade. I've applied for some internships but didn't get them. I applied for a Residential Advisor-type position at school and got requested to be an alternate. My computer screen freaked on me so I was with limited internet access the entire week. And all the while I've been making lemonade, wanting to request my refund and demand answers for these injustices. Wondering all the while what it was that I was doing wrong...

But you know, it's just occurred to me now that all those things weren't actually TERRIBLE. I lost out on some internships, but thank God! There are more! And I'm not out of the running for my RA thing--- not yet! And my computer still works--- everything's there, everything's fine! I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "You've been so stupid! Look at yourself, Child, and tell me: what's wrong with a little bit of tang, anyway?" 

The problem, I think, is that I've been so spoiled. So reliant on technology. So sure that anything I set out to do or win was assuredly going to be mine! And I'm grateful a little for this second chance to see myself as a spoiled little brat. If I hadn't had this "awful" week, I wouldn't have written (yes, handwritten, mind you) some thirty pages of a manuscript, gone out of the house to see "The Artist," got an awesome new monitor, got the chance to see my sister, got a chance to try Pad Thai, et cetera, et cetera! It amazes how much I learn about myself every single day. You never stop learning, never stop growing... not unless you want to, and seriously: why would I want to stop doing the things that makes me.... well... me.

So here's my new mantra: "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Say thank you. Ask it to hang around for a bit. Then pass it a glass and remind it to stay deliciously refreshing and refreshingly interesting, and take a sip yourself as reminder to enjoy anything that makes you who you are." 

If it's too long for you, feel free to adopt any of the other aforementioned ones as your own. But be sure to get where I'm going with this--- hating the sour parts is like cursing the good ones that were products of that labor. And as they say (ew! Another saying I abhor), "Don't hate the player,"--- i.e. Life or suckish parts of it--- "hate the game." 

Remember to stay beautiful, Loves,

Deserae

P.S. Need some inspiration? Want to see some pretty things? Visit My Ticket Home and My Ticket Elsewhere! All this month we're celebrating awesomeness.

P.S.S. Psalms 18:32 <3

Commenting on Comments

Prerna- Yes, I wish technology and I were better friends. Or hey! I'll take acquaintances! So glad you liked the poem and I thought we might be on the same page with The Vow. So hard to talk about it without spoilers, but it has this way of making you love and hate it both at once. Do read ONE DAY. You said you liked the movie, yes? Well, I am nearly done with the book and I've enjoyed it immensely. Adult books are slow going, I realize, but it's good--- great build-up, storyline, characters... everything.

Sonal- Thank you about your thoughts on the poem and for being one of the followers who influenced its posting. :) Happy birthday to you, my love! It's officially, what, 2 A.M. March 4th in England-land? I hope you have the best birthday ever. I made you something so you'll have to check out Elsewhere tomorrow (later today?) when you get the chance. Sorry if I mispronounced your name. Lots of love to you, my dear. Best birthday wishes from your pal across the pond.

Yvonne- Why thank you! I appreciate the comment! I've just checked out your blog and I like the recommendations you do. I don't really watch Dance Moms (I was in dance at that age and I think what the instructor does is just awful!), but your book recommendations are always pretty interesting. Definitely out of my usual bubble and I'm trying to step out of that so yay!

Maya- I'm awesome? I think you and Sang are awesome! I couldn't believe she commented! I was like in literal shock and was hoping you'd saw it. Your review was incredible, though. You definitely convinced me that I must feature it on Elsewhere. Sang is sending me a copy soon. If it's signed (and if you want it), I'll send it to you after I read it. I take good care of my books so it'll be a very special thing. I'll even write something to you on the front since you are the reason I'm getting it in the first place! :) SHADOW AND BONES has me drooling. And I seriously love ya, Maya. You are the bestESS. ;)

Getting Back in the Habit

It's hard. Life, I mean. Lately, I've been slacking in certain areas of my life because I'm trying to just get by for the time being. And I'm telling you... It sucks.

I hate feeling overwhelmed by things so I prioritize, but I hate having to let go of things I love in order to make way for things that I "have" to do. I might have said this before, but I hate things that I "have" to do. Who says that THESE THINGS are the important things? Who in the world gets to be in charge of labeling all the suckish stuff as mandatory?

I am finally getting back into a rhythm. The next nine weeks of my life are going to suck, but I'm figuring out how to manage them. The next nine weeks of my life are going to demand a lot of out me, but I'm deciding, RIGHT NOW, to be okay with that. The next nine weeks of my life are going to be filled with reading one of these books a week, plus some Brit Lit, plus some Greek. 

The next nine weeks of my life are going to be hectic, but it's not going to be unbearable. They're not going to change me, or take away the things that I love. They're not going to define me, or break me down. They are going to be hard, but hopefully, I'll learn something amazing. But because I'm determined to get back into the habit of blogging and going to school at the same time, bear with me! I'll definitely do at LEAST a post a week, but it might be quiet around here and I thought you at least deserved to know why.

But I still love you guys! Let me know what's new with you.

Love!
Deserae
P.S. We will resume the "Commenting on Comments" thing starting next post, so if you leave a comment, I'll respond! Pinky swear!

Snapshot Saturday #5: Come in, Inspiration

It's been one of those days.
Okay weeks.
Okay... months.
It's been hard, to say the least.

There are days when I am all hyped up on happy juice and I want to save the world. And then there are days that I've been quiet about... The ones where I don't get out of bed until twelve because I had to do homework until four in the morning... The ones where I'm so upset, frustrated, defeated to the point where I'm literally shaking. Yeah. It's been hard. And I wasn't just "not talking about it" because I'm trying to keep some image up. I didn't talk about it because I didn't want it to be real. I don't know if you know what that feels like--- to have so much faith in the power of words that saying your down means you're nearly out.

I'm one of those people. The hopeless optimist. And even though some people wouldn't agree with that (yeah... I felt that sarcastic grimmace) I learned from the best how to have faith in tomorrow. I'm crazy in that way. There's always a chance for better, in my opinion. We just have to want it badly enough, and not be afraid to get it for ourselves.

So I've been trying. I've been doing different things to get my happy back. Because I'm not unhappy. I'm just in this state of stress that's overwhelming my spirit. And the way I've always climbed out of the holes I dig is to build myself a ladder. And I know what you're thinking: how do you build a ladder when you're in a hole? And the answer is simple: with imagination and creativity.

I've been up to things, and these things make me happy. I've been rewriting (yes... rewriting) that WIP that has nothing to do with Anna. I've been eating lots of mint chocolate chip ice-cream with Nutella and whipped cream (don't try this at home--- I'm a professional). And I've been honing my creativity by reminding myself of good things through my new blogs, My Ticket Home, and her sister, My Ticket Elsewhere.

If you need a break from your hectic life, or if you need some encouragement, or if you need some inspiration, or if you just want to look at and click on pretty pictures, please join me there. Both blogs are interactive in the sense that they will only run with your contributions. So tell your friends. Tweet about your favorite pages. Comment on the posts. And take advantage of the love the I and other people are putting into it so that you can find (and keep!) your happy, too.

Ciao, Bellas.

~Deserae <3
P.S. Oh, Gowe... How I love you. You'll love him, too. Check him out if you're not sure about rap. He. will. change. you.