With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

What I love about you guys is that I don't have to hide anything about myself from you all. I can speak about my religion. About my thoughts. About my feelings. About anything. And you all indulge me. You're all kind and thoughtful and respectful and what's better still is that you all seem to hear me beyond the political/personal things we may or may not agree upon.

In short, I adore you all.

Today, I want to talk. To get out some thoughts and some anger and some sadness. I just want to vent. After all, that's what blogging is for is it not? Okay. It's not. I know and respect that. But today, I want to break my shell just a little bit. Crack myself open just a little bit. Let you guys in. After all, you've earned my trust, so why not?

The truth is people count on me. I don't know why or when or how this has come to be, but it just IS. I've come to accept and embrace this. In fact, I'm going to be a Resident Adviser at my university next year. I'm overseeing TWO buildings full of freshmen and I'm excited. I get to be Noel, you guys. I GET TO BE NOEL.

But what I find funny is that, in a lot of ways, I've always been Noel. I've always been that person who people could talk to, who was only focused on one thing, who had trouble adapting to change... Though Noel has way more relationship drama than I ever hope to have, myself, he's a committed kinda guy. Once you're in his circle, you're in it for life if you want to be.

However, if you don't want to be--- if for whatever reason you keep hurting me, if you keep pushing me away--- then I, like Noel, will let you go. Ties can be broken pleasantly (Noel and Hannah) or they can be severed, seemingly irrevocably (Noel and Felicity once or twice). Still, after the fire has gone out and the dust has settled, I don't forget you. I hold you in my heart for ever. Every wrong, every right, everything, it's still there. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just... It's just that I don't want to forget the people who made my life something. You know what I mean?

I've used this example countless times, but when I was in high school I participated in our Stage Crew. And it was great. I made so many wonderful memories with a group of friends I thought I'd have forever. But today, I don't talk to any of them. Our director kinda kicked me out of the class and none of them reached out to me. Not even the ones I thought would be there. Not even though I "really" needed them.

For a long time, I was angry. At myself, though, for trusting them. But then the fire died and the dust settled. In my mind's eye, I can only see the good from my experience there even though I know the bad.

And guys, I'm angry again. At myself for letting a person I know and care about guilt me into thinking I've caused their pain. In my stomach is a fire roaring, "I'm NOT to blame. I can not force you to talk to me. I will NOT keep asking questions you refuse to answer. How is your pain my fault if you refuse to be happy? I  want to be happy!"

And it feels like the dust will never settle. It feels like it's always going to be one thing or something else. I feel  like there's just a negative spirit or air oppressing my friend and instead of attacking that, this person is attacking me. They know how to push my buttons. Guilt is usually their weapon of choice. And though I love this person and want to show God's love to this person, it feels like no matter what I do--- or say or don't do or don't say--- it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong because, for whatever reason, they don't want things to be right.

I'm sad today because... this is the only way I know how to get through to people. With words. With truth. With little reminders like "You're not the only one hurting." Like, "When you hurt, we all hurt. Every one who loves you." I'm sad because the truth is, though I want to be there, though I want to help, I don't know how to be except through "good morning"s and "how are you"s and hoping to get an honest answer.

I'm sad because I have a feeling that this, once read, will not be received. It will be used against me like all of the words before these. That's the trouble with text, I think. It's easy to skim over without seeing the message underneath. I'm a straightforward person. If I think you're mad, I'll ask you. If I'm upset, I'll tell you. So what I'm hoping this post will do for my friend is show them how I feel. What I think. Give them a chance to do the same to me. Because I'm literally DONE with guessing. And being blamed. And getting hurt.

An aside to this friend of mine:
What I want, now, is to help you with YOUR hurt. With your pain. With whatever it is that you're going through. I want to help in whatever way I can. If you need someone to talk to. If you don't want me to actually speak my mind, but just be on the other end. If you're tired of hearing the truth and need someone to lie to you. If you're ready to be honest with yourself but need someone to bear witness to the occasion...

I DO NOT MIND BEING THAT PERSON.
I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
BUT I CANNOT BE THAT PERSON--- IF YOU WILL NOT LET ME.

That's all I've been trying to say for the past who knows how long. I don't know what to do because I'm not getting much to go off, here. You're not bothering me. You're not a burden. You're just hurting. And really, that's okay.

What happens often is you take a stab at me and DUH. IT HURTS. I'll bounce back a million times, but know this--- I, like you, can only take so much. Correction: I will only take so much. And now you know that. So tell me what you're thinking IF you really want me to know! If not, that's okay. Just don't hold that against me--- don't blame me for not understanding. I assure you, I'm not the problem. And if I am, you know what I'd advise you to do: address the problem, then let it go.

Even though it'd hurt me like mad to know I'm the source of your pain, I'd rather know you were doing alright without me than to have both of us suffering for no good reason. We will live on without one another if that's what we have to do to be at peace. But if you need me right now, I'm here. I always have been and I pretty much will be until you say otherwise.

And back to you guys:
There is only one reason I'm addressing you guys at all. I want you guys to realize that we're all the person SOMEBODY needs. Do you have a friend? A sibling? A parent? A classmate? An anyone who sees you on the regular? An anyone at all? Whether you realize it or not, you are needed and you are loved. Please, you guys... Don't refuse to see your worth, your contribution to the world as a member of it.

You see, Uncle Ben once told his nephew, Spidey, that "...with great power comes great responsibility." You have no idea the power your smile, your "hello," your presence has on the people who are blessed to know you. It's your responsibility to be there whenever and in whatever way you can. But even God's Word tells us not to remain in bad counsel. What He means is, if being needed means putting a strain on you that you can't bear, you've got to let go.

I have been emotionally troubled this past year. A lot of stuff has happened, stuff I haven't told you guys for fear of reopening wounds that haven't exactly healed. Little things. Big ones. All kinds of ones I've only talked about with special people because of their ability to hear me... to understand... I realize now that I can't be everything to everyone, and that's okay. I want us all to find peace.

Tell me what's so wrong about that. Tell me what I can do to realize it, and I will.

-Deserae
P.S. I responded to a tag yesterday. That was fun and I promise to be happier next time when the world isn't against me. It likes to side with me from time to time so I have faith...
P.P.S. Yes, I have a feeling that once I post this a wave of anxiety will wash over me regarding the response. No, I will not take it down. I think it's good to be honest--- with others. With yourself.

Commenting on Comments

A.K.A. Thanks for making me smile

Emily- You created the award? Well you are a lovely person as well. Thank you for inadvertently getting me tagged. I have it on good authority that a lot of people were made happy by our surprise from Maya. :)

Sonal- You're watching Once Upon a Time?! Oh bless you! I adore that show. It's coming back for us in September. Do you know when it'll be on in Billy Shakespeare Land? 

Nicole- I believe those are essential colors for one's wardrobe. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. Lol! Keep up your mischievous ways. Let those neighbors of yours have it, Girly! :]

Desi is Afraid

There comes a point in every little Deserae's life where she feels SO confident, and SO grand that the only logical thing for Life to do is to knock her off her high horse. And I think it's safe to say that all of us go through these random bursts of, "WHA?!?!?! But everything was going so well!" because let us face it--- Life likes to have a good laugh at our expense every now and again.

Thus was my reaction to my first day of classes. I am just now (after two quarters, the equivalent of six months as a college student) realizing that college? Well, it's hard.

I'm taking an honest to goodness English class. A class about literature as a SUBJECT rather than as a piece of culture. Meaning, we're talking about reading, and books, and what makes literature literature and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. As opposed to my Brit Lit class last quarter where we just read things and tried our hardest not to cry, or my Jewish Lit class where we read more things and pretended we finished all the novels, or EVEN the Greek Lit class I'm taking alongside Lit 1 where everything--- EVERYTHING!--- is WRITTEN IN ANCIENT GREEK!!!, THIS CLASS focuses on the WHY we read and WHY reading makes us feel the way we do and whether or not that is the fault or greatness of the WRITER or if it's the judgment bestowed upon the text by the reader... Guys I know that was a freaking long sentence but needless to say, I am TERRIFIED of how this quarter is going to go.

I did pretty alright last quarter. I got my first A as a college student, somehow managed to pull off a B in Greek, and passed the only class I attended every (okay ALMOST every) lecture for with a C (I told you Life was weird). But I don't know! For some reason, that all made me so determined to rock this quarter and then WHAT HAPPENS?!?!

Desi takes an intense Lit class dealing with the analysis of reading and literature as an art ON TOP OF taking a class that contains material that's only in another freaking language!!!

And my "just for fun and general eds" class turns out to be pretty hardcore for a class that promised we'd only be talking about boobs, periods, and menopause (it's Female Physiology; what'd you expect?!). I'm just DYING here and I haven't even started! There's something wrong with the world. Something very wrong indeed.

But on the bright side, I love both of my professors because, oh! Did I tell you? My Greek Lit and Lit 1 teacher are one 'n the same? Yes, yes. And I absolutely adore her. And thankfully my other professor is just as confident, fun, and kind, thank the Lord. And on the other bright side, my Greek Lit class is PURELY reading and quizzes based on that. No essays for that one or for Female Physiology, hallelujah! So it's only Lit 1 that I have to worry about for written assignments...  It's just going to be a lot of reading and a lot of work. That's why I need you guys to keep me sane.

Get it? Got it?

Good.
Deserae
P.S. Nicole and Maya, thanks for commenting last time. Love ya'll mucho and thanks for your well wishes. I did alright and I'm going to try to better. Pinky swear.

WriMo Day 9

Hi, Guys.

So today was an overall fail on the writing spectrum. I was too busy doing things offline (shocker! I know!) with my dear friend Eva who had a birthday last week. Today, we finally got to celebrate. And you know what?

I had fun.

So instead of beating myself up about it, we're just going to have to wait and see what tomorrow produces. We're taking the neighborhood cat to get cleaned tomorrow (we love her--- it's a shame her actual owner lives down the street, but quite fortunate that she lets us take Millie around as if she's our own) so I'll be up fairly early. So hopefully I get some stuff done, yo. And while I'm doing WORK, you guys should go out and view the following:

Ciao, Darlings,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Prerna: Thanks, Love! Seriously, I just have these sudden spurs of energy. The way I'm writing this book, though, helps, I can't deny it. When you change the way you're used to doing things, you're challenged to do them better. Don't ask me why that works; it just does. 

Maya: Oh, I'm glad Lynnette (see! Double "n's!" I think we'll do it, Girly. Thanks for responding to that plea) has influenced you in the way of classical music. Definitely give it a try! It stimulates brain cells and can't distract you while doing homework--- there're no words! Lol! And I just speak the truth when I comment. I'm glad you received it well. :) There were only minor things I saw, but, yeah, Girly; you blew me away! Keep it up. I don't know where this is going or if it'll continue, but I definitely can say the writing, itself, was good. And seriously?! I am SO down for contributing to that! Let me just open the drawer here, and ah! There they are! ALL of my unfinished projects waiting to be compiled into one MARVELOUS collection. :) And yay! Glad you like Austin! I think it'll work, yes? We'll make it work.