What I love about you guys is that I don't have to hide anything about myself from you all. I can speak about my religion. About my thoughts. About my feelings. About anything. And you all indulge me. You're all kind and thoughtful and respectful and what's better still is that you all seem to hear me beyond the political/personal things we may or may not agree upon.
In short, I adore you all.
Today, I want to talk. To get out some thoughts and some anger and some sadness. I just want to vent. After all, that's what blogging is for is it not? Okay. It's not. I know and respect that. But today, I want to break my shell just a little bit. Crack myself open just a little bit. Let you guys in. After all, you've earned my trust, so why not?
The truth is people count on me. I don't know why or when or how this has come to be, but it just IS. I've come to accept and embrace this. In fact, I'm going to be a Resident Adviser at my university next year. I'm overseeing TWO buildings full of freshmen and I'm excited. I get to be Noel, you guys. I GET TO BE NOEL.
But what I find funny is that, in a lot of ways, I've always been Noel. I've always been that person who people could talk to, who was only focused on one thing, who had trouble adapting to change... Though Noel has way more relationship drama than I ever hope to have, myself, he's a committed kinda guy. Once you're in his circle, you're in it for life if you want to be.
However, if you don't want to be--- if for whatever reason you keep hurting me, if you keep pushing me away--- then I, like Noel, will let you go. Ties can be broken pleasantly (Noel and Hannah) or they can be severed, seemingly irrevocably (Noel and Felicity once or twice). Still, after the fire has gone out and the dust has settled, I don't forget you. I hold you in my heart for ever. Every wrong, every right, everything, it's still there. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just... It's just that I don't want to forget the people who made my life something. You know what I mean?
I've used this example countless times, but when I was in high school I participated in our Stage Crew. And it was great. I made so many wonderful memories with a group of friends I thought I'd have forever. But today, I don't talk to any of them. Our director kinda kicked me out of the class and none of them reached out to me. Not even the ones I thought would be there. Not even though I "really" needed them.
For a long time, I was angry. At myself, though, for trusting them. But then the fire died and the dust settled. In my mind's eye, I can only see the good from my experience there even though I know the bad.
And guys, I'm angry again. At myself for letting a person I know and care about guilt me into thinking I've caused their pain. In my stomach is a fire roaring, "I'm NOT to blame. I can not force you to talk to me. I will NOT keep asking questions you refuse to answer. How is your pain my fault if you refuse to be happy? I want to be happy!"
And it feels like the dust will never settle. It feels like it's always going to be one thing or something else. I feel like there's just a negative spirit or air oppressing my friend and instead of attacking that, this person is attacking me. They know how to push my buttons. Guilt is usually their weapon of choice. And though I love this person and want to show God's love to this person, it feels like no matter what I do--- or say or don't do or don't say--- it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong because, for whatever reason, they don't want things to be right.
I'm sad today because... this is the only way I know how to get through to people. With words. With truth. With little reminders like "You're not the only one hurting." Like, "When you hurt, we all hurt. Every one who loves you." I'm sad because the truth is, though I want to be there, though I want to help, I don't know how to be except through "good morning"s and "how are you"s and hoping to get an honest answer.
I'm sad because I have a feeling that this, once read, will not be received. It will be used against me like all of the words before these. That's the trouble with text, I think. It's easy to skim over without seeing the message underneath. I'm a straightforward person. If I think you're mad, I'll ask you. If I'm upset, I'll tell you. So what I'm hoping this post will do for my friend is show them how I feel. What I think. Give them a chance to do the same to me. Because I'm literally DONE with guessing. And being blamed. And getting hurt.
An aside to this friend of mine:
What I want, now, is to help you with YOUR hurt. With your pain. With whatever it is that you're going through. I want to help in whatever way I can. If you need someone to talk to. If you don't want me to actually speak my mind, but just be on the other end. If you're tired of hearing the truth and need someone to lie to you. If you're ready to be honest with yourself but need someone to bear witness to the occasion...
I DO NOT MIND BEING THAT PERSON.
I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
BUT I CANNOT BE THAT PERSON--- IF YOU WILL NOT LET ME.
That's all I've been trying to say for the past who knows how long. I don't know what to do because I'm not getting much to go off, here. You're not bothering me. You're not a burden. You're just hurting. And really, that's okay.
What happens often is you take a stab at me and DUH. IT HURTS. I'll bounce back a million times, but know this--- I, like you, can only take so much. Correction: I will only take so much. And now you know that. So tell me what you're thinking IF you really want me to know! If not, that's okay. Just don't hold that against me--- don't blame me for not understanding. I assure you, I'm not the problem. And if I am, you know what I'd advise you to do: address the problem, then let it go.
Even though it'd hurt me like mad to know I'm the source of your pain, I'd rather know you were doing alright without me than to have both of us suffering for no good reason. We will live on without one another if that's what we have to do to be at peace. But if you need me right now, I'm here. I always have been and I pretty much will be until you say otherwise.
And back to you guys:
There is only one reason I'm addressing you guys at all. I want you guys to realize that we're all the person SOMEBODY needs. Do you have a friend? A sibling? A parent? A classmate? An anyone who sees you on the regular? An anyone at all? Whether you realize it or not, you are needed and you are loved. Please, you guys... Don't refuse to see your worth, your contribution to the world as a member of it.
You see, Uncle Ben once told his nephew, Spidey, that "...with great power comes great responsibility." You have no idea the power your smile, your "hello," your presence has on the people who are blessed to know you. It's your responsibility to be there whenever and in whatever way you can. But even God's Word tells us not to remain in bad counsel. What He means is, if being needed means putting a strain on you that you can't bear, you've got to let go.
I have been emotionally troubled this past year. A lot of stuff has happened, stuff I haven't told you guys for fear of reopening wounds that haven't exactly healed. Little things. Big ones. All kinds of ones I've only talked about with special people because of their ability to hear me... to understand... I realize now that I can't be everything to everyone, and that's okay. I want us all to find peace.
Tell me what's so wrong about that. Tell me what I can do to realize it, and I will.
-Deserae
P.S. I responded to a tag yesterday. That was fun and I promise to be happier next time when the world isn't against me. It likes to side with me from time to time so I have faith...
P.P.S. Yes, I have a feeling that once I post this a wave of anxiety will wash over me regarding the response. No, I will not take it down. I think it's good to be honest--- with others. With yourself.
Commenting on Comments
A.K.A. Thanks for making me smile
Emily- You created the award? Well you are a lovely person as well. Thank you for inadvertently getting me tagged. I have it on good authority that a lot of people were made happy by our surprise from Maya. :)
Sonal- You're watching Once Upon a Time?! Oh bless you! I adore that show. It's coming back for us in September. Do you know when it'll be on in Billy Shakespeare Land?
Nicole- I believe those are essential colors for one's wardrobe. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. Lol! Keep up your mischievous ways. Let those neighbors of yours have it, Girly! :]
