With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

What I love about you guys is that I don't have to hide anything about myself from you all. I can speak about my religion. About my thoughts. About my feelings. About anything. And you all indulge me. You're all kind and thoughtful and respectful and what's better still is that you all seem to hear me beyond the political/personal things we may or may not agree upon.

In short, I adore you all.

Today, I want to talk. To get out some thoughts and some anger and some sadness. I just want to vent. After all, that's what blogging is for is it not? Okay. It's not. I know and respect that. But today, I want to break my shell just a little bit. Crack myself open just a little bit. Let you guys in. After all, you've earned my trust, so why not?

The truth is people count on me. I don't know why or when or how this has come to be, but it just IS. I've come to accept and embrace this. In fact, I'm going to be a Resident Adviser at my university next year. I'm overseeing TWO buildings full of freshmen and I'm excited. I get to be Noel, you guys. I GET TO BE NOEL.

But what I find funny is that, in a lot of ways, I've always been Noel. I've always been that person who people could talk to, who was only focused on one thing, who had trouble adapting to change... Though Noel has way more relationship drama than I ever hope to have, myself, he's a committed kinda guy. Once you're in his circle, you're in it for life if you want to be.

However, if you don't want to be--- if for whatever reason you keep hurting me, if you keep pushing me away--- then I, like Noel, will let you go. Ties can be broken pleasantly (Noel and Hannah) or they can be severed, seemingly irrevocably (Noel and Felicity once or twice). Still, after the fire has gone out and the dust has settled, I don't forget you. I hold you in my heart for ever. Every wrong, every right, everything, it's still there. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just... It's just that I don't want to forget the people who made my life something. You know what I mean?

I've used this example countless times, but when I was in high school I participated in our Stage Crew. And it was great. I made so many wonderful memories with a group of friends I thought I'd have forever. But today, I don't talk to any of them. Our director kinda kicked me out of the class and none of them reached out to me. Not even the ones I thought would be there. Not even though I "really" needed them.

For a long time, I was angry. At myself, though, for trusting them. But then the fire died and the dust settled. In my mind's eye, I can only see the good from my experience there even though I know the bad.

And guys, I'm angry again. At myself for letting a person I know and care about guilt me into thinking I've caused their pain. In my stomach is a fire roaring, "I'm NOT to blame. I can not force you to talk to me. I will NOT keep asking questions you refuse to answer. How is your pain my fault if you refuse to be happy? I  want to be happy!"

And it feels like the dust will never settle. It feels like it's always going to be one thing or something else. I feel  like there's just a negative spirit or air oppressing my friend and instead of attacking that, this person is attacking me. They know how to push my buttons. Guilt is usually their weapon of choice. And though I love this person and want to show God's love to this person, it feels like no matter what I do--- or say or don't do or don't say--- it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong because, for whatever reason, they don't want things to be right.

I'm sad today because... this is the only way I know how to get through to people. With words. With truth. With little reminders like "You're not the only one hurting." Like, "When you hurt, we all hurt. Every one who loves you." I'm sad because the truth is, though I want to be there, though I want to help, I don't know how to be except through "good morning"s and "how are you"s and hoping to get an honest answer.

I'm sad because I have a feeling that this, once read, will not be received. It will be used against me like all of the words before these. That's the trouble with text, I think. It's easy to skim over without seeing the message underneath. I'm a straightforward person. If I think you're mad, I'll ask you. If I'm upset, I'll tell you. So what I'm hoping this post will do for my friend is show them how I feel. What I think. Give them a chance to do the same to me. Because I'm literally DONE with guessing. And being blamed. And getting hurt.

An aside to this friend of mine:
What I want, now, is to help you with YOUR hurt. With your pain. With whatever it is that you're going through. I want to help in whatever way I can. If you need someone to talk to. If you don't want me to actually speak my mind, but just be on the other end. If you're tired of hearing the truth and need someone to lie to you. If you're ready to be honest with yourself but need someone to bear witness to the occasion...

I DO NOT MIND BEING THAT PERSON.
I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
BUT I CANNOT BE THAT PERSON--- IF YOU WILL NOT LET ME.

That's all I've been trying to say for the past who knows how long. I don't know what to do because I'm not getting much to go off, here. You're not bothering me. You're not a burden. You're just hurting. And really, that's okay.

What happens often is you take a stab at me and DUH. IT HURTS. I'll bounce back a million times, but know this--- I, like you, can only take so much. Correction: I will only take so much. And now you know that. So tell me what you're thinking IF you really want me to know! If not, that's okay. Just don't hold that against me--- don't blame me for not understanding. I assure you, I'm not the problem. And if I am, you know what I'd advise you to do: address the problem, then let it go.

Even though it'd hurt me like mad to know I'm the source of your pain, I'd rather know you were doing alright without me than to have both of us suffering for no good reason. We will live on without one another if that's what we have to do to be at peace. But if you need me right now, I'm here. I always have been and I pretty much will be until you say otherwise.

And back to you guys:
There is only one reason I'm addressing you guys at all. I want you guys to realize that we're all the person SOMEBODY needs. Do you have a friend? A sibling? A parent? A classmate? An anyone who sees you on the regular? An anyone at all? Whether you realize it or not, you are needed and you are loved. Please, you guys... Don't refuse to see your worth, your contribution to the world as a member of it.

You see, Uncle Ben once told his nephew, Spidey, that "...with great power comes great responsibility." You have no idea the power your smile, your "hello," your presence has on the people who are blessed to know you. It's your responsibility to be there whenever and in whatever way you can. But even God's Word tells us not to remain in bad counsel. What He means is, if being needed means putting a strain on you that you can't bear, you've got to let go.

I have been emotionally troubled this past year. A lot of stuff has happened, stuff I haven't told you guys for fear of reopening wounds that haven't exactly healed. Little things. Big ones. All kinds of ones I've only talked about with special people because of their ability to hear me... to understand... I realize now that I can't be everything to everyone, and that's okay. I want us all to find peace.

Tell me what's so wrong about that. Tell me what I can do to realize it, and I will.

-Deserae
P.S. I responded to a tag yesterday. That was fun and I promise to be happier next time when the world isn't against me. It likes to side with me from time to time so I have faith...
P.P.S. Yes, I have a feeling that once I post this a wave of anxiety will wash over me regarding the response. No, I will not take it down. I think it's good to be honest--- with others. With yourself.

Commenting on Comments

A.K.A. Thanks for making me smile

Emily- You created the award? Well you are a lovely person as well. Thank you for inadvertently getting me tagged. I have it on good authority that a lot of people were made happy by our surprise from Maya. :)

Sonal- You're watching Once Upon a Time?! Oh bless you! I adore that show. It's coming back for us in September. Do you know when it'll be on in Billy Shakespeare Land? 

Nicole- I believe those are essential colors for one's wardrobe. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. Lol! Keep up your mischievous ways. Let those neighbors of yours have it, Girly! :]

Dear Writer...

Dear Writer,

Thank you for reading this. I hope it finds you well, and I hope you're reading it with an open mind. I also hope that you haven't been completely jaded by the realization that this dream of yours comes with a price. I hope that you haven't given up the gun just because you realized that there's a difference between a dream and reality.

Exhibit A

I am frustrated, Writer, and there are some things that we must talk about. Exhibit A (read from the bottom up) showcases some of these frustrations, but I want to expound upon them. Not everything can be said in 140 characters or less.

There are things you must know. First, you have to understand that if you're writing, you're doing it because you want to. It's not because you're expecting this to be the easy road to millions. You're not doing it because there is some mythical force or literal figure for-cing-you-to-DO-this. The thing that bothers me is that writers are creating myths--- dilusions--- that this is not something they signed up for willingly. Repeat after me: I am writing because I want to.

Exhibit B

Secondly, you have to realize that you must stop. Stop putting yourself in that place that convinces you that you're never going to get there. Stop telling yourself that every rejection means you're not worth anything; start learning from them(see Exhibit B). Stop hurting your chances at creating something great by dwelling on one thing horrible. Stop hurting yourself by pretending you can't become more. Stop limiting yourself by REFUSING to become more (Exhibit C).

Thirdly, you must know that writers write. Writers. Write. And they don't forget this fact any day of the year. Sometimes, we express this by writing thousands of words in a day. Sometimes, by writing hundreds of words. Sometimes we express that by writing one hundred words. Or a letter. Or a poem. Or a quick line here or there.

Exhibit C

But lastly, I want to make sure you understand you have every right to turn in the towel. You are always, at all moments, entitled to change your mind. To go after a new dream. To make a change in your life if that's really what you want to do. But you are NOT, under any circumstances, allowed to be a coward. You're not allowed to run away when your manuscript gets to a point that's a little tough, or when your faith in yourself is dwindling because you're comparing yourself and your accomplishments to those of others, instead of focusing on your visions, and your dreams.

It's okay to be frustrated sometimes. To angst and to whine about these frustrations to the only people who'll really understand--- to a bunch of other writers.

Exhibit D

But it's not okay to let the whining steal your joy. To let the bad spots make you lose sight of the fact that they're just dots in a picture of awesome. To let laziness cloud your judgement. To lose momentum long enough for it to become your excuse.

Because the thing is, Writer... YOU are your ONLY excuse. You are the only thing stopping that shining idea you have from becoming a finished product. You are the only person who doesn't believe that the thing you're working on isn't worth working on, and you're the only one who could change that if you wanted that fact to be different. Exhibit D showcases my BrainBooks. The reasons for my own writerly sanity. Tune in this Sunday, and I'll show you, Writer, the ways of The Book. But until then, find your own sanity. You are not alone, Writer, so please--- do me a favor--- and stop pretending that you are.

With all my love,
Deserae

P.S. Sharing is caring so if you haven't checked out this post with a bunch of cool linkamajiggies, then go DO so. And also, here's something about THE SECRET PROJECT. It's not much, but on Valentine's Day, you'll love me.

Commenting on Comments

Karly- The cover is DEFINITELY awesome, and I think I will go for it. Thanks, Love, for chiming in. Let me know about YOUR Nerdfighter escapades! 

Let's Get Real: Cyberbullying

So today I was supposed to do a follow up to yesterday's post featuring my roommates. But I want to talk about something else instead and I want to start this off cara a cara (face to face).

Before We Begin...
Cyberbullying is a serious thing and it happens to a lot of people. I never, though, thought it could or would happen to me. I'm not saying this because I think I'm special; I'm saying this because I want to put it out there that the fact that it's randomly happening to me means that there is no doubt in my mind that it could happen to anyone. So if you feel like you're being victimized, know that I believe you. If you feel like you're being put down, know that there are others who are feeling the exact same way.

And this speel isn't just for those of us on the "victim" end. It's for people who may be on the "bully" end, too. Maybe you don't realize you're doing it... Maybe you don't know how much it hurts... But it does. And this post isn't going to console you. My hopes are that if you continue to read this, you'll be convicted to change the way you treat others online. Because imagine yourself on the other end. It doesn't feel good, and I hope that by the end of this, you'll see why.

I don't curse and I'm not trying to make anyone feel uncomfortable. So these are the words you'll see mostly in this post: attack, attacker, bullying, bully, and victim. These are strong, serious words, but cyberbullying is a serious offense. So let's get real, okay? And let's help each other be better people who can handle themselves in better ways.

My Story
I'm on a website.
Someone doesn't like what I say.
They take offense to it without letting me know they're offended.
They start talking about me on other social networks.
Their friends start hating me.
They feel justified in hating me.
The talking continues.
It's brought back to the original website.
There is a bang.
Without justifying the situation or the actions taken by both parties, I try to stop it.
Others intervene and the situation escalates.
Now, apologies for whatever it is I've done wrong (which I still don't know. STILL.) are in order, and also a firmer hand is needed to end the unnecessary hatred.
The someone "disappears" from the website, but continues to check in.
Every two seconds, I hear that the someone (who I thought was done and satisfied) is continuing to talk about me on other social networking sites.
I am now, not only offended, but hurt. And that's how I know this isn't just sillyness or in my head--- it's cyberbullying, and that, my friend, is serious.

What Crossing the Line Looks Like
Crossing the line from a silly argument or misunderstanding to full blown cyberbullying looks different for every situation, but here are some things I want to highlight because these are the things, in my opinon, that really separates the two:

Have you had repeated issues with the same person or group of people online?
Do you feel like they're attacking you collectively, or if it's a single person, do you feel like they attack you on a regular basis?
Do you feel like you're doing something wrong, even though you're the one being victimized?
Are you starting to feel afraid to check (social) websites because you're afraid "they" will be on or will have said something about you in your absence?
Are you being mentally and emotionally affected by what's being said about you?
Do you feel helpless or like no one cares or can stick up for you?

Look. I'm seventeen years old and have never had a problem like this before. But you know what? I can check off all of the things on that list, and this isn't just because I wrote the list--- it's because I've experienced this first hand. Age is just a number. Whether you're twelve or eighty-two, you can be a victim of cyberbullying or even the bully yourself.

Crossing the line means that a situation has gone from pettiness and human error to intentional attacks on a person to the point where mental and emotional stress is being put on another person.

We're all human. We all have the tendency to read into things the wrong way and feel the need to defend ourselves in any way we feel we can. And online, people do this by:

A. Cursing you out
B. Putting you down
C. Trying to turn the tables by making YOU feel like YOU'RE to blame
D. All of the above and more.

But the person who isn't a bully will see the error in that and apologize or will stop trying to hurt you for something that was silly. However, a bully will continue to attack you personally for reasons that usually have nothing to do with you.

What Makes a Bully and How You Can Stop Them
A bully is made of a person who:

A. Builds up defenses to protect themselves that end up hurting others
B. Likes to hurt others to keep up appearances or because it's in their nature
C. Is insecure and acts out to hide or appease these insecurities
D. Needs to put others down to feel like they're "on top" 
E. Doesn't like someone and chooses to attack them physically, emotionally, or verbally

Acts of bullying include:

A. Calling someone out of their name
B. Refusing to stop taunting, teasing, talking about, or taking the time to manipulate others into disliking someone
C. Using your position, power, or privileges to take advantage of others
D. Doing something to intentionally hurt someone else
E. Egging on a situation, or making someone feel badly about themselves.

You can prevent bullying by:

A. Refusing to participate in acts of bullying
B. Engaging in the practice of standing up for people who you see are being bullied
C. Asserting yourself by standing up to bullies early on
D. Conversing civilly with the person you're having a problem with to try and rectify the situation
E. Tell someone--- anyone--- when all else fails so that you have someone to back and support you.

If You Think You're a Victim of Bullying or Cyberbullying...
Get help. Talk things out. Get support. Talk some more.
Seriously.
There's no reason not to. Because if you keep talking, I guarantee you someone will listen. And if you feel like no one else will, come to me, because I will and we'll get you some help.

If You Think You are a Bully but Want to Rectify The Situation...
Get help. Listen to what is being said. Get someone to listen back. Listen even more.
Seriously.
There's no reason not to. Because if you open your ears to hear, I guarantee you'll want to stop. And if you feel like you can't or that there's no forgiveness, come to me because I'll hear you out and we'll get you some help.

Because Seriously...
Bullying of any kind hurts. And cyberbullying IS bullying.
Believe it. Receive it. Correct it. Reject it.

With Love,
Deserae