There are two truths: life is wonderful, and life sucks. And I know, that sounds contradictory, but in your heart, you know it's true. There are two sides to every coin, but just because they're opposites, doesn't mean they cancel out one another. The two somehow have found a way to coincide--- to both be equally real and equally important in order for us to be able to have a hold of the whole...
So life is great. And life is not. And that's what makes it yours and mine. Our stories of love AND war. Of good AND bad. Of joy AND pain. If we didn't have one, I doubt we'd appreciate or understand the other.
There's been a lot on my mind and on my heart lately. Things I have yet to fully understand or reason out. Part of me is annoyed at all this conflict, but a bigger chunk is excited. I haven't been this introspective since my freshman and sophomore year which was the darkest year and a half of my life. And I'm glad that I've learned to search myself without having to go to that dark place. And I'm surprised that all of a sudden, I have this urge to analyze every. little. thing.
I just... I haven't been very motivated lately and I've wondered why that is. What used to propel me forward without my even having to think on it? What made me want to get out of bed and conquer the world? Because nowadays, I stay up late to enjoy the solace that is the early morning. And I wake up to the late morning sun, not wanting to crawl from the safety of my blankets to do the things I know must be done. I want to sleep. I want to dream of a world where your only responsibility is to yourself and to the life you want to lead. As I write this, I realize that the world actually DOES sort of work this way, but it's not an exact science here in reality... When you wake up, there are just as many HAVE TO DOs as there are WANT TO DOs.
I've been drifting, and that's not a state I like to be in. That's the place you go when you don't know what to do with yourself. That's the place you go when you're about to face a crossroads of either giving up or giving your all. I could just turn around. I could turn around right now and skip this purgatory and go straight for the gusto. But I can't because I don't know what I'd be fighting for. For myself? For... something?
What's my motivation? God has always been my rock, but I've been getting radio silence from the Big Man Upstairs. Usually, I get this feeling in my gut that's telling me which way to turn, where to go, who to take with me... But "lately it's so quiet, in this place..." I don't exactly feel lost, but I feel stuck in suspended animation, spinning around and around as I contemplate what to do next.
Now I know life is good. And I know life isn't always that way. But it's never like this--- we do this to ourselves. Situations come and go, and they alter the way we perceive things and they challenge us to do better, to be stronger... But ultimately, we're in control of the paths we take and the moves we make and I'm just TRYING TO REMEMBER how I used to march along. How did I drag my feet along the gravel and hope they'd lead me to a better tomorrow? I'm still doing that. Dragging my feet, moving forward. But I can't remember why. How do you guys keep marching on?
Commenting on Comments
Nicole- I think I commented on your blog yesterday about how freaking proud I am that you won first in your meet, but here's a more public announcement: I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU! Thanks for being there for me, and also, yes. Monday's are like the murderers of coherency. What is wrong with them?
Maya- Definitely use his diaper days against him, and also, whenever you see him flirting with a girl, make fun of his technique. Boys LOVE that ;). I was not so careful with my chocolate intake. I think I ate seven mini-Twix and a handful of butterscotch candies in less than a 24 hr. period. :) And uh-oh! You think we're going to take different sides? Nonsense! Or... is it? Haha! We'll see and yes! I'll let you know! Merci beaucoup, ma cherie. Oh Lord, Maya... One day, you'll have to teach me French.