Friday, January 21, 2011

New Project Anxiety

My fingers have been itching for this moment, the ''new project.'' It's been a long time coming and I am finally setlling down to get all those ideas in my head out onto a piece of paper. It's harder than it sounds, Loves; it's a multi-hurtle challenge. The concept and those first ideas are round one. Laying them out in a workable first draft, round two. Being able to re-write that first draft into something readable, round three. Giving that last draft some time to rest, and then tackling it again (and maybe again) until it's SOMETHING, the final blow.

I love a project when it's a baby. When it's just a mess of ideas that one day could be something amazing or something someone might want to read if the right words were strung together in the right order. But then actually doing that--- actually writing up that first draft--- is the scariest thing of all. What if I never finish? What if I can't get past page one? What if, after all that work, it's no good? Should I start over? Should I abandon ship? Am I a terrible writer? Should I have gone into dentistry after all?!

Agh. The fear. I get it all the time when I'm typing up that first draft. The ideas didn't need me--- I needed them. They constructed themselves, and I listened attentively like the good little school girl that I am. Then they wanted to be written. Then they needed my help. And now I'm panicked because I, of course, liked doing all of the listening and none of the work. It's scary to be responsible, at that point, for the outcome of the story--- the ideas were awesome, but am I going to blow it when I put in my own two cents?

The first draft intimidates me. I can pour my heart out into this thing and still not be finished. I can fail miserably before I even begin. I can write a draft that I think is brilliant but really isn't and I have to start again from square one. Or it can be brill.

New project angst is, at least, teaching me something: to know what could be, I first have to begin.

Wish me luck, Gang,

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