The older I get, the faster time seems to move. Birthdays come and go; new years rise and fall; seasons flourish and pass.
Yet I seem to be unchanged, no matter what happens in between.
This is an ever-present lie I tell myself because I'd like to believe I'm an adversary to change, rather than a low-key believer. But as I look around my dirty, but distant apartment-- farther from anything comfortable or familiar than I've ever been in life-- I am feeling time rushing not away from but toward me. February hit me like a hurricane. And I already feel March creeping (no, sprinting) on up.
Today is Feb. 6, I return to work on the 11th. I'm taking a Korean language class starting on the 27th. Most likely, I'll be meeting up with a friend sometime in between.
And though I'm excited and looking forward to each day, I feel time lurching forward. It's hard not to wonder, "How do I enjoy today--- this moment?" I keep rushing ahead and at this rate it will be August. It feels like I have to decide now, aqui, ahora, what I'll be doing with my whole life. It's like college apps all over again, only there isn't a two year buffer zone where I can up and change majors, change my mind.
Time is moving.
So am I.
I think I'm just nervous because in about three days, I'll be meeting Angel Friend's parents. And Angel Friend's parents do not English. So I have to use Korean.
And I WANT to take the conversation level class, but am I ready? I need time, much more time. I need to study. So why am I doing this instead?
I'm freaking out because time is running up to me. It's running and it's waving like, "Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!" And part of me wants to say hi back, but it's kinda awkward because the other part wants to run the other way. I know time is bound to eventually catch up with me. Can I be brave now and fake confidence? Or is it too late to break out the running shoes and run away?
So this post is going to be about college and a phrase I use three times in the following video:
Yes. I totally named that video "Be Encouraged!" exclamation point and all. Even though looking back on it, it's not the most encouraging video in the world... The point I wanted you guys to take from it was this: that we all feel lost and confused sometimes. That it can frustrate the heck out of us in the moment. But that if we pursue our dreams and our wants and our passions with vigor, in the end, we'll be victorious. We just can't be afraid to see the project through.
The phrase you heard three times up there and the phrase I'm using (cough, cough, coining, cough) to sort of embody and speak for this mentality is called being encouraged to not be discouraged. And I'm probably going to go a little motivational speaker on you guys as I go through this, but college life is a good example of this philosophy. Of not taking no for an answer.
REALLY QUICKLY -------->
The picture over there is a snapshot of the essay I'm writing for my mandatory class. It's finished, technically, but I'm a little upset the last paragraph didn't fit and there's random punctuation flowing throughout its veins. But ANYWAY, in this essay we had to think about something in our personal style that we "stole" from something or sometime else. I wrote about my pearls and how I wear them to project a "lady-like" image and also connote that I'm a modern Wonder-woman.
OKAY. NOW WE'RE ROLLING...
My sister and her hubby dropping me off first day
When you're in college, you literally have to make every decision for yourself. The easy ones like when you'll wake up, where you'll go eat, who you'll hang out with for the day, where you'll do it, when you'll come home, etc. are pretty much the decisions you're already making in high school, but they're amplified now that your parents are away.
View of the forest near my apartment
Now that you're completely in charge, you really get to explore the following questions: What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? When do I want to get there? How am I going to get there? Why do I want this so much? And what's going to either stop me from getting what I want or help me get what I want? The questions don't need immediate answers, but they're always in the back of your mind. I was lucky. I kind of had a pretty good idea of a lot of the answers in high school, but now that I'm here, things like what I want are becoming a little blurry and how I'm going to get those things, blurrier still. But that's okay. I know, now, there are people here to help me. And while all of them REFUSE to just hand me answers (which is what I went into the office three times looking for!), all of them continued to try to nudge me in the right direction. In my opinion, they weren't nudging hard enough. But there was a nudge--- I felt the push--- and when I just decided to let go of their hand and jump, I found myself feeling a lot better--- more confident--- and now I'm in classes I love and am excited to be in.
Place where a baby deer was until I pulled out my camera
I felt lost for sure. I felt out of place and like the total stereotype of a freshman. Almost all of my apartment mates know exactly where they're going, they know the shortcuts, and they're not afraid to get lost. But me? I felt like the deer in the headlights. Confused. Out of place. About to die. Okay... so it wasn't THAT dramatic. But in the moment, it all felt so important. Like it was a sign from the heavens above that I wasn't meant to get to that freezing class after all. And maybe it was. I know it was, actually. Because now I'm in classes I love and WANT to be in. And that's the key thing here. Doing things you WANT to do. Not doing things you think you HAVE to do.
The bridge that takes me home
I just want to encourage you not to lose faith in yourself. To see that fork in the road and confidently set foot on the path you WANT to take. Don't hesitate. Don't doubt yourself even for a second. Because the thing is, there's going to be a day where you get to call all the shots. Start owning every decision, every step, every breath you make and take. This is your life. Own it. This is your shot. Take it. These are your dreams. Live them. And this is all you. So make it happen.
"Take a risk, take a chance, make a change,"
-Deserae <3
P.S. CALLING ALL ARTISTS!!! I want a "Encouraged not to be Discouraged" T-shirt, but I can't design anything! So if you want to make a design for me send it to scillafrederricks@hotmail.com and I'll get a shirt made for myself and the person who made the winning design! Make it happen, folks!
I'm moving up North on Wednesday, so I'm starting to get all nostalgic and what-not. It hasn't kicked in, yet, that I'm actually leaving. So I filmed this video earlier this morning of our apartment so you could see where I stayed BEFORE college took me away from those I know and love. Hahaha! Just kidding. But yeah, here is my casa. And on Friday, I'll show you mi casa nueva.
So yes. Leaving is starting to feel a little bittersweet. But at least there's more sweet, than bitter, you know? I'm spending a day with my wonderful friend Eva tomorrow so who knows? Maybe she will guest star on the blog by doing a post for you guys.
Anywho, 'tis all for now. Until we meet again!
Byyyyyeeee!
Deserae McGlothen
P.S. SO the books on the shelf that I pointed to will probably be given away when I come back down so stay tuned for a contest! AND like I said, if you buy Sweet Venom, and take a picture of yourself at home (in your bedroom since I showed you mine! Hahaha!), I will send you Sweet Venom bookmarks and stickers. E-mail me at scillafrederricks@hotmail.com and attach your pic!
My fingers have been itching for this moment, the ''new project.'' It's been a long time coming and I am finally setlling down to get all those ideas in my head out onto a piece of paper. It's harder than it sounds, Loves; it's a multi-hurtle challenge. The concept and those first ideas are round one. Laying them out in a workable first draft, round two. Being able to re-write that first draft into something readable, round three. Giving that last draft some time to rest, and then tackling it again (and maybe again) until it's SOMETHING, the final blow.
I love a project when it's a baby. When it's just a mess of ideas that one day could be something amazing or something someone might want to read if the right words were strung together in the right order. But then actually doing that--- actually writing up that first draft--- is the scariest thing of all. What if I never finish? What if I can't get past page one? What if, after all that work, it's no good? Should I start over? Should I abandon ship? Am I a terrible writer? Should I have gone into dentistry after all?!
Agh. The fear. I get it all the time when I'm typing up that first draft. The ideas didn't need me--- I needed them. They constructed themselves, and I listened attentively like the good little school girl that I am. Then they wanted to be written. Then they needed my help. And now I'm panicked because I, of course, liked doing all of the listening and none of the work. It's scary to be responsible, at that point, for the outcome of the story--- the ideas were awesome, but am I going to blow it when I put in my own two cents?
The first draft intimidates me. I can pour my heart out into this thing and still not be finished. I can fail miserably before I even begin. I can write a draft that I think is brilliant but really isn't and I have to start again from square one. Or it can be brill.
New project angst is, at least, teaching me something: to know what could be, I first have to begin.
