Saturday, February 6, 2016

Ticking Clocks

The older I get, the faster time seems to move. Birthdays come and go; new years rise and fall; seasons flourish and pass.

Yet I seem to be unchanged, no matter what happens in between.

This is an ever-present lie I tell myself because I'd like to believe I'm an adversary to change, rather than a low-key believer. But as I look around my dirty, but distant apartment-- farther from anything comfortable or familiar than I've ever been in life-- I am feeling time rushing not away from but toward me. February hit me like a hurricane. And I already feel March creeping (no, sprinting) on up.

Today is Feb. 6, I return to work on the 11th. I'm taking a Korean language class starting on the 27th. Most likely, I'll be meeting up with a friend sometime in between.

And though I'm excited and looking forward to each day, I feel time lurching forward. It's hard not to wonder, "How do I enjoy today--- this moment?" I keep rushing ahead and at this rate it will be August. It feels like I have to decide now, aqui, ahora, what I'll be doing with my whole life. It's like college apps all over again, only there isn't a two year buffer zone where I can up and change majors, change my mind.

Time is moving.

So am I.

I think I'm just nervous because in about three days, I'll be meeting Angel Friend's parents. And Angel Friend's parents do not English. So I have to use Korean.

And I WANT to take the conversation level class, but am I ready? I need time, much more time. I need to study. So why am I doing this instead?

I'm freaking out because time is running up to me. It's running and it's waving like, "Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!" And part of me wants to say hi back, but it's kinda awkward because the other part wants to run the other way. I know time is bound to eventually catch up with me. Can I be brave now and fake confidence? Or is it too late to break out the running shoes and run away?

Life, stop being difficult,

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