Ticking Clocks

The older I get, the faster time seems to move. Birthdays come and go; new years rise and fall; seasons flourish and pass.

Yet I seem to be unchanged, no matter what happens in between.

This is an ever-present lie I tell myself because I'd like to believe I'm an adversary to change, rather than a low-key believer. But as I look around my dirty, but distant apartment-- farther from anything comfortable or familiar than I've ever been in life-- I am feeling time rushing not away from but toward me. February hit me like a hurricane. And I already feel March creeping (no, sprinting) on up.

Today is Feb. 6, I return to work on the 11th. I'm taking a Korean language class starting on the 27th. Most likely, I'll be meeting up with a friend sometime in between.

And though I'm excited and looking forward to each day, I feel time lurching forward. It's hard not to wonder, "How do I enjoy today--- this moment?" I keep rushing ahead and at this rate it will be August. It feels like I have to decide now, aqui, ahora, what I'll be doing with my whole life. It's like college apps all over again, only there isn't a two year buffer zone where I can up and change majors, change my mind.

Time is moving.

So am I.

I think I'm just nervous because in about three days, I'll be meeting Angel Friend's parents. And Angel Friend's parents do not English. So I have to use Korean.

And I WANT to take the conversation level class, but am I ready? I need time, much more time. I need to study. So why am I doing this instead?

I'm freaking out because time is running up to me. It's running and it's waving like, "Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!" And part of me wants to say hi back, but it's kinda awkward because the other part wants to run the other way. I know time is bound to eventually catch up with me. Can I be brave now and fake confidence? Or is it too late to break out the running shoes and run away?

Life, stop being difficult,
Deserae

A New, New Year

Now that I'm in a new place, there are new traditions and customs that I have to learn. As an American, I can really appreciate a good holiday. But being in Korea, I get to celebrate the new year twice. There's nothing better than having time to reflect. And plan. And be grateful. And say thanks. And be with people who care about you. And to tell people how much you care about them.

I've been lucky this year. My sisters came all the way across the world to celebrate Christmas with me and make plans for life after January 1st. But 설날 (Lunar New Year) is just around the bend and I get to bring in the new year all over again. I've been thinking about what I should do, who I should share it with.

It's not every day you get to enjoy fresh starts and firsts.

It's not every day you get to enjoy life at all.

So when my friend Eunji invited me to visit her hometown for the holiday, I jumped at the opportunity. Next weekend is 설날. I wasn't excited before, but now, I can't wait!

I want to take about a millisecond to be grateful for the chances, the people, and the moments God continues granting me.

I'm thankful for my friends and family.

I'm thankful Netflix has come to Korea.

I'm thankful for the jobs I have and the jobs that are now possible because of them.

I'm thankful for the encounters and experiences I've had in Korea so far.

I'm thankful for words and the always present problem of never having enough to express just how blessed I am and have been.

On 설날, I'll take the time to reflect again. But I'm happy to say I'm already moving forward.

Always have been.

Nearly there, nearly there,
Deserae

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Laila: You are another person I'm truly grateful for. Thanks for all of your love.