Operation Happy Part I: Admit & Make a Change

Lately I've been sad. I don't think that's a surprise to any of you with the posts of suckiness or missing-ness that have appeared on this blog lately. But lately-er, or, more recently, rather, I've been making my way back to normal. See, when I posted the Back in the Game post, I was finding my way out of a hole I'd been digging for who knows how long, but I'm not even kidding... two days later, I got some shocking news, and it sucker punched me--- it was a cheap shot!--- and, well, I've been gone for a while. But I'm back because I meant what I said. I'm tired of being tired and done with being sad.

So part one of my ingenious plan to be happy was to just admit I wasn't. I wasn't happy. And I wanted to do something about it. So I started writing to a friend. And I started exploring myself once again. I branched out and found some new music. I am slowly but surely working my way back to functional.

But yeah, while I do that, all of the things will suffer. I'm sorry. I'll try to post on Home and Elsewhere eventually but right now, I just need time to recuperate. I know you understand. So I won't go on about that any longer.

Instead, I have to tell you guys the kinda bad news. The kinda bad news is that I kinda only have half a crew for my webseries. BUT I have an idea for a different one that could maybe--- MAYBE--- include you.

If you have a camera (an actual camera, a camcorder, a vid cam, a cam that does both, or hey! Even a webcam!) and if you would like to be part of an original series scripted by yours truly, then you should email me at myticketsomewhere@gmail.com by May 15th. Because you know who doesn't fail me? You guys. You never fail me. So why not make something cool together? Or cool-ish? Cool-ish is good too.

If you have friends who might be interested in helping out, I'd totally appreciate it. But you don't need a posse to be part of this. You just need a camera and one someone to be in front of it. And hey! That one someone could be you! Just email me saying you're interested, because with a project like this, I want to make sure I have a functional group and that could be with as little as three people up to fifty bazillion. Kidding!

So that's it. This is the first step I'm taking toward happiness. And lookit that! You can totes take it with me. You know you want to. You know you want me to want you to want to!

Love,
Deserae
P.S. Thanks Talia for the song recommendation!

Commenting on Comments

Sonal- Your comments always help. Thank you and do take up a challenge like that of your own. It's quite helpful!

Maya- You didn't get too religious at all. As a Christian, I totally respect and admire people who encourage finding strength in God. Which is what I need to do. It's so hard letting go, sometimes. But I really need His might right now. Seriously. I've been flying solo far too long, my friend. I know this is all me, too. So I'm fighting it with no intention of losing. 

Nicole- Haha! Don't tell anyone but this was I plan I stole from Charlie. Yes, yes, I'm trying to remain positive. Because positive is good, right? That's what I keep telling myself, anywho.

Back in the Game

Last time I posted, I was in a weird place. I felt like I was neither here nor there, and I had to ask myself what it was that kept me going.

Well, Sonal said something that I realize is totally true for me, as well. She said the thing that motivates her is "...Knowing that whatever I do in life, even if I make mistakes along the way, I will always have awesome friends and family to talk to and cheer me up when I'm feeling my worst." And I feel SO similarly. I have my friends and my family and I have you guys as this constant support network, that, even when I feel like I'm making my way across a tightrope, all of you guys are going to be there to catch me if or when I fall.

It amazes me how you don't even know my family or my other friends or some of you don't even know each other, but you still find a way to support ME. I am constantly reminded that people are God's most beautiful creations, and each individual effort adds up in a monumental way.

I can't say I know what I'm doing. Even as I type this, I know I'm doing an incredibly stupid thing that I am going to be held accountable for in the very near future. But I also know that the decision I'm making is mine. I know that tomorrow is another day. And with the combination of these two things, my hope is that TOMORROW, the decisions I make will be a little bit better.

That's why I'm deciding TODAY that starting TOMORROW, things are going to be a little bit different for me. Every day from now until the end of the school year, I'm going to devote an hour of my day to doing two things: the first half an hour will be used for Greek, and the second half an hour will be used for writing. I can't really punish myself for not sticking to this, but I can reward myself for doing it. And for every five days I stick to this thing, I will allow myself a TREAT (read: a new book). This new book thing will be good for the next thirty days. After that, I'll have to reward myself in other ways.

I'm just trying to give myself a fighting chance. 'Cause those are nice. And we all need them, I think.

Love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Sonal- Thanks for your comment. It honestly meant the world to me. <3

Shout out to Aria- Thanks for listening. :)

How We March Along

Lately I've been thinking. And, no, this isn't anything new. I've been thinking about the things that motivate us, and me, more specifically, to continue on, even when we feel like we've lost sight of the point 20 miles back down the road.

There are two truths: life is wonderful, and life sucks. And I know, that sounds contradictory, but in your heart, you know it's true. There are two sides to every coin, but just because they're opposites, doesn't mean they cancel out one another. The two somehow have found a way to coincide--- to both be equally real and equally important in order for us to be able to have a hold of the whole...

So life is great. And life is not. And that's what makes it yours and mine. Our stories of love AND war. Of good AND bad. Of joy AND pain. If we didn't have one, I doubt we'd appreciate or understand the other.

There's been a lot on my mind and on my heart lately. Things I have yet to fully understand or reason out. Part of me is annoyed at all this conflict, but a bigger chunk is excited. I haven't been this introspective since my freshman and sophomore year which was the darkest year and a half of my life. And I'm glad that I've learned to search myself without having to go to that dark place. And I'm surprised that all of a sudden, I have this urge to analyze every. little. thing.

I just... I haven't been very motivated lately and I've wondered why that is. What used to propel me forward without my even having to think on it? What made me want to get out of bed and conquer the world? Because nowadays, I stay up late to enjoy the solace that is the early morning. And I wake up to the late morning sun, not wanting to crawl from the safety of my blankets to do the things I know must be done. I want to sleep. I want to dream of a world where your only responsibility is to yourself and to the life you want to lead. As I write this, I realize that the world actually DOES sort of work this way, but it's not an exact science here in reality... When you wake up, there are just as many HAVE TO DOs as there are WANT TO DOs.

I've been drifting, and that's not a state I like to be in. That's the place you go when you don't know what to do with yourself. That's the place you go when you're about to face a crossroads of either giving up or giving your all. I could just turn around. I could turn around right now and skip this purgatory and go straight for the gusto. But I can't because I don't know what I'd be fighting for. For myself? For... something?

What's my motivation? God has always been my rock, but I've been getting radio silence from the Big Man Upstairs. Usually, I get this feeling in my gut that's telling me which way to turn, where to go, who to take with me... But "lately it's so quiet, in this place..." I don't exactly feel lost, but I feel stuck in suspended animation, spinning around and around as I contemplate what to do next.

Now I know life is good. And I know life isn't always that way. But it's never like this--- we do this to ourselves. Situations come and go, and they alter the way we perceive things and they challenge us to do better, to be stronger... But ultimately, we're in control of the paths we take and the moves we make and I'm just TRYING TO REMEMBER how I used to march along. How did I drag my feet along the gravel and hope they'd lead me to a better tomorrow? I'm still doing that. Dragging my feet, moving forward. But I can't remember why. How do you guys keep marching on?

Love always,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Nicole- I think I commented on your blog yesterday about how freaking proud I am that you won first in your meet, but here's a more public announcement: I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU! Thanks for being there for me, and also, yes. Monday's are like the murderers of coherency. What is wrong with them?

Maya- Definitely use his diaper days against him, and also, whenever you see him flirting with a girl, make fun of his technique. Boys LOVE that ;). I was not so careful with my chocolate intake. I think I ate seven mini-Twix and a handful of butterscotch candies in less than a 24 hr. period. :) And uh-oh! You think we're going to take different sides? Nonsense! Or... is it? Haha! We'll see and yes! I'll let you know! Merci beaucoup, ma cherie. Oh Lord, Maya... One day, you'll have to teach me French.

Monday Manners

Hello, Everyone!

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter. I spent the day with my roommate, Due, next door neighbor, Veronica, and their boyfriends. Guess what we did... An Easter Egg Hunt, of course! It was a lot of fun. I hid twenty eggs in the forest behind our apartments and it took them an hour to find them all. I have to give myself a pat on the back for that. Good job, Desi... Good job.

Anywho, it's Monday. I'm tired. It's supposed to rain. I am ill-prepared for my Lit and Greek classes tomorrow. At the moment, I'm pretending I don't care. I want to read stuff, but my brain is making me feel guilty for neglecting the things I SHOULD be doing. And I have to go to Training in an hour. Can you see why my stomach is in knots?

I think it's just a Monday thing. When Monday arrives, my body has this physical reaction in order to prepare my brain to get ready for the (nonexistent) SUCK that is bound to make up the rest of the week. It just wouldn't be a Monday if we didn't go through this process. I am SO proud of myself for working out my schedule in such a way that THIS DAY is not the beginning of my academic week.

But I'm writing this post to kind of say hey and kind of say sorry. I'm sorry for being out of touch lately and I promise to be better with that. I'll try to post on this blog AT LEAST once a week and I might start mixing in some writerly posts again along with the regular life updates. Just know that I love you guys and I haven't forgotten. If it seems like I have, let's just blame Monday. He, like all men, is the causer of EVERYTHING that is wrong with the world (tee-hee!).

Love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Presley- I checked out the blog and think it's tres chic! Thanks for checking it out, and thank Nicole for me! I adore her. Isn't she the bees knees?

Maya- No. NO. Do you hear me, Maya? NO. You're a great friend! Life gets in the way all the time. Don't you dare sweat not commenting--- I simply posted that to ask ya'll a favor. See? I was calling upon you. You guys--- and you especially--- already do so much for me. I knew asking for MORE attention might be a little selfish, but I had to ask. If I didn't, then I would still be talking circles around my own head. :) But anywho, did you see my comment on "Baby Talk?" I'm so happy for your family. I bet your little bro is just the cutest thing! So The Mortal Instruments, you say... I've been super reluctant to read that series because of some of the content, but I DO need a series challenge for July... So why not? TMI, it is. I can always rent them from the library, now that I think about it. Yes. J'adore, mon ami! Love ya, Maya. Thanks for answering my desperate plea! :)

Shout out to Nicole! Thank you for keeping me company on Elsewhere, Love. I owe you my sanity. Here--- I've even gift-wrapped it. 

In Which I Ask a Favor

I know you guys love me. And you know I love you, too! But lately... lately I've been blogging and it feels like I'm talking to myself. Not here! You guys at this blog are great, and I adore that you talk back to me. I mean on Elsewhere and Home--- the blogs I've been spending the most time on because they kind of demand that attention.

An online book club is kinda hard to run if I don't get the posts up "on time" (i.e. every day).

But it's also hard to run without participating members and so far, I've been reading by myself. WELL... not ALL by myself. Truth is, I wouldn't still be doing it if Aria hadn't been such a supportive bud to me. She's been to every Liveshow (minus one), she read TFiOS even though she didn't want to, and although she can't comment on everything (stupid Blogger), we still manage to have hilarious and actually insightful conversations about the books she CAN get to when Elsewhere features them. So I guess what I'm asking is...

Be Aria for me. Not literally and not EXACTLY. What I mean is, if you like Elsewhere, Home, or heck! If you just like me, try to check in on those, too, when you can. When a book interests you, read along and let me know you're reading! I love talking about books, but I'm kind of tired of talking to myself... LITERALLY. And if none of the books interest you, RECOMMEND SOME. I don't mind running to the bookstore and getting a new book that you know or believe will be good.

I know it's a weird time to be asking such a thing. We're all busy taking exams, trying to finish strong, working EXTRA hard, blah, blah, blah... I mean, you saw how I was freaking out about this quarter! I don't NEED the extra burden of an online book club, but you know why I do it? For you guys. Because I seriously, SERIOUSLY believe that there are three things that bring us together in this world. Only three. And among them are these: God (or fate--- whatever you believe), music, and the written word. I keep Elsewhere and Home going because I wake up every day thinking, "Well maybe someone will stumble upon this and really need some inspiration." I honestly wake up every morning and think, "Okay, I'll post by such and such o'clock so that whoever's keeping up with Elsewhere will have what they need for the day."

But today, I had an epiphany. I realized, quite sadly, that I'm alone there--- on Elsewhere and at Home. And so, although I know you won't be able to buy every book for every week, nor will you like every book I suggest, I ask that you just check in! Once a month. Check out the calendar and then drop me a line saying, "Hey! I'm with you for that week you're reading, BLAH," or, "Hey! Love what you're doing. Maybe you can read SUCH AND SUCH next month? Not really feeling these selections." Yeah, yeah. I'm an optimist. Join the club! It's nice up here.

And if you honestly just CAN'T, know that I understand. Gosh. Book clubs aren't for everyone, online or otherwise. And it is time--- I know that. But you know what I would love? If you recommended it to someone else. If you can't read a book a week, you can still share the joy of reading to one person a week. Throw a book at them with a slip of paper that has the blog URL in it. I don't know! Be creative! But I'll only be trying this out all the way through AUGUST. If it doesn't pick up by then, well, I'm going to have to rethink some things. Life is just getting too hectic for me to be wasting time. Do you think what I'm doing with Elsewhere is a waste of time? At first I didn't think so, but Idk; you lot tell me.

Love ya'll and thanks in advance. I know. I ask the world of you. But one cannot receive good things if one never asks for them.

Have an awesome weekend!
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Sonal- SUMMER! Oh thank you for that beautiful image. Yes, summer is what we aim for. You're right. Just gotta keep going I suppose!

Karly- Don't be afraid! Gosh. I made that sound horrible, didn't I? See, college is awful, but it's not the end of the world. Just like high school isn't the end of the world. It's an edge, but it only lets out into an ocean. Who knows what's waiting on the shores of the other side? I'm going to get through it. I'll push through it, I swear. I have yet to hear about difficult classes killing someone so I'll likely live to tell the tale. I promise to take back everything I said if I get through it. Pinky promise. Because if I can do it, you can. No doubts about it. :)

Desi is Afraid

There comes a point in every little Deserae's life where she feels SO confident, and SO grand that the only logical thing for Life to do is to knock her off her high horse. And I think it's safe to say that all of us go through these random bursts of, "WHA?!?!?! But everything was going so well!" because let us face it--- Life likes to have a good laugh at our expense every now and again.

Thus was my reaction to my first day of classes. I am just now (after two quarters, the equivalent of six months as a college student) realizing that college? Well, it's hard.

I'm taking an honest to goodness English class. A class about literature as a SUBJECT rather than as a piece of culture. Meaning, we're talking about reading, and books, and what makes literature literature and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. As opposed to my Brit Lit class last quarter where we just read things and tried our hardest not to cry, or my Jewish Lit class where we read more things and pretended we finished all the novels, or EVEN the Greek Lit class I'm taking alongside Lit 1 where everything--- EVERYTHING!--- is WRITTEN IN ANCIENT GREEK!!!, THIS CLASS focuses on the WHY we read and WHY reading makes us feel the way we do and whether or not that is the fault or greatness of the WRITER or if it's the judgment bestowed upon the text by the reader... Guys I know that was a freaking long sentence but needless to say, I am TERRIFIED of how this quarter is going to go.

I did pretty alright last quarter. I got my first A as a college student, somehow managed to pull off a B in Greek, and passed the only class I attended every (okay ALMOST every) lecture for with a C (I told you Life was weird). But I don't know! For some reason, that all made me so determined to rock this quarter and then WHAT HAPPENS?!?!

Desi takes an intense Lit class dealing with the analysis of reading and literature as an art ON TOP OF taking a class that contains material that's only in another freaking language!!!

And my "just for fun and general eds" class turns out to be pretty hardcore for a class that promised we'd only be talking about boobs, periods, and menopause (it's Female Physiology; what'd you expect?!). I'm just DYING here and I haven't even started! There's something wrong with the world. Something very wrong indeed.

But on the bright side, I love both of my professors because, oh! Did I tell you? My Greek Lit and Lit 1 teacher are one 'n the same? Yes, yes. And I absolutely adore her. And thankfully my other professor is just as confident, fun, and kind, thank the Lord. And on the other bright side, my Greek Lit class is PURELY reading and quizzes based on that. No essays for that one or for Female Physiology, hallelujah! So it's only Lit 1 that I have to worry about for written assignments...  It's just going to be a lot of reading and a lot of work. That's why I need you guys to keep me sane.

Get it? Got it?

Good.
Deserae
P.S. Nicole and Maya, thanks for commenting last time. Love ya'll mucho and thanks for your well wishes. I did alright and I'm going to try to better. Pinky swear.