With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

What I love about you guys is that I don't have to hide anything about myself from you all. I can speak about my religion. About my thoughts. About my feelings. About anything. And you all indulge me. You're all kind and thoughtful and respectful and what's better still is that you all seem to hear me beyond the political/personal things we may or may not agree upon.

In short, I adore you all.

Today, I want to talk. To get out some thoughts and some anger and some sadness. I just want to vent. After all, that's what blogging is for is it not? Okay. It's not. I know and respect that. But today, I want to break my shell just a little bit. Crack myself open just a little bit. Let you guys in. After all, you've earned my trust, so why not?

The truth is people count on me. I don't know why or when or how this has come to be, but it just IS. I've come to accept and embrace this. In fact, I'm going to be a Resident Adviser at my university next year. I'm overseeing TWO buildings full of freshmen and I'm excited. I get to be Noel, you guys. I GET TO BE NOEL.

But what I find funny is that, in a lot of ways, I've always been Noel. I've always been that person who people could talk to, who was only focused on one thing, who had trouble adapting to change... Though Noel has way more relationship drama than I ever hope to have, myself, he's a committed kinda guy. Once you're in his circle, you're in it for life if you want to be.

However, if you don't want to be--- if for whatever reason you keep hurting me, if you keep pushing me away--- then I, like Noel, will let you go. Ties can be broken pleasantly (Noel and Hannah) or they can be severed, seemingly irrevocably (Noel and Felicity once or twice). Still, after the fire has gone out and the dust has settled, I don't forget you. I hold you in my heart for ever. Every wrong, every right, everything, it's still there. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just... It's just that I don't want to forget the people who made my life something. You know what I mean?

I've used this example countless times, but when I was in high school I participated in our Stage Crew. And it was great. I made so many wonderful memories with a group of friends I thought I'd have forever. But today, I don't talk to any of them. Our director kinda kicked me out of the class and none of them reached out to me. Not even the ones I thought would be there. Not even though I "really" needed them.

For a long time, I was angry. At myself, though, for trusting them. But then the fire died and the dust settled. In my mind's eye, I can only see the good from my experience there even though I know the bad.

And guys, I'm angry again. At myself for letting a person I know and care about guilt me into thinking I've caused their pain. In my stomach is a fire roaring, "I'm NOT to blame. I can not force you to talk to me. I will NOT keep asking questions you refuse to answer. How is your pain my fault if you refuse to be happy? I  want to be happy!"

And it feels like the dust will never settle. It feels like it's always going to be one thing or something else. I feel  like there's just a negative spirit or air oppressing my friend and instead of attacking that, this person is attacking me. They know how to push my buttons. Guilt is usually their weapon of choice. And though I love this person and want to show God's love to this person, it feels like no matter what I do--- or say or don't do or don't say--- it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong because, for whatever reason, they don't want things to be right.

I'm sad today because... this is the only way I know how to get through to people. With words. With truth. With little reminders like "You're not the only one hurting." Like, "When you hurt, we all hurt. Every one who loves you." I'm sad because the truth is, though I want to be there, though I want to help, I don't know how to be except through "good morning"s and "how are you"s and hoping to get an honest answer.

I'm sad because I have a feeling that this, once read, will not be received. It will be used against me like all of the words before these. That's the trouble with text, I think. It's easy to skim over without seeing the message underneath. I'm a straightforward person. If I think you're mad, I'll ask you. If I'm upset, I'll tell you. So what I'm hoping this post will do for my friend is show them how I feel. What I think. Give them a chance to do the same to me. Because I'm literally DONE with guessing. And being blamed. And getting hurt.

An aside to this friend of mine:
What I want, now, is to help you with YOUR hurt. With your pain. With whatever it is that you're going through. I want to help in whatever way I can. If you need someone to talk to. If you don't want me to actually speak my mind, but just be on the other end. If you're tired of hearing the truth and need someone to lie to you. If you're ready to be honest with yourself but need someone to bear witness to the occasion...

I DO NOT MIND BEING THAT PERSON.
I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
BUT I CANNOT BE THAT PERSON--- IF YOU WILL NOT LET ME.

That's all I've been trying to say for the past who knows how long. I don't know what to do because I'm not getting much to go off, here. You're not bothering me. You're not a burden. You're just hurting. And really, that's okay.

What happens often is you take a stab at me and DUH. IT HURTS. I'll bounce back a million times, but know this--- I, like you, can only take so much. Correction: I will only take so much. And now you know that. So tell me what you're thinking IF you really want me to know! If not, that's okay. Just don't hold that against me--- don't blame me for not understanding. I assure you, I'm not the problem. And if I am, you know what I'd advise you to do: address the problem, then let it go.

Even though it'd hurt me like mad to know I'm the source of your pain, I'd rather know you were doing alright without me than to have both of us suffering for no good reason. We will live on without one another if that's what we have to do to be at peace. But if you need me right now, I'm here. I always have been and I pretty much will be until you say otherwise.

And back to you guys:
There is only one reason I'm addressing you guys at all. I want you guys to realize that we're all the person SOMEBODY needs. Do you have a friend? A sibling? A parent? A classmate? An anyone who sees you on the regular? An anyone at all? Whether you realize it or not, you are needed and you are loved. Please, you guys... Don't refuse to see your worth, your contribution to the world as a member of it.

You see, Uncle Ben once told his nephew, Spidey, that "...with great power comes great responsibility." You have no idea the power your smile, your "hello," your presence has on the people who are blessed to know you. It's your responsibility to be there whenever and in whatever way you can. But even God's Word tells us not to remain in bad counsel. What He means is, if being needed means putting a strain on you that you can't bear, you've got to let go.

I have been emotionally troubled this past year. A lot of stuff has happened, stuff I haven't told you guys for fear of reopening wounds that haven't exactly healed. Little things. Big ones. All kinds of ones I've only talked about with special people because of their ability to hear me... to understand... I realize now that I can't be everything to everyone, and that's okay. I want us all to find peace.

Tell me what's so wrong about that. Tell me what I can do to realize it, and I will.

-Deserae
P.S. I responded to a tag yesterday. That was fun and I promise to be happier next time when the world isn't against me. It likes to side with me from time to time so I have faith...
P.P.S. Yes, I have a feeling that once I post this a wave of anxiety will wash over me regarding the response. No, I will not take it down. I think it's good to be honest--- with others. With yourself.

Commenting on Comments

A.K.A. Thanks for making me smile

Emily- You created the award? Well you are a lovely person as well. Thank you for inadvertently getting me tagged. I have it on good authority that a lot of people were made happy by our surprise from Maya. :)

Sonal- You're watching Once Upon a Time?! Oh bless you! I adore that show. It's coming back for us in September. Do you know when it'll be on in Billy Shakespeare Land? 

Nicole- I believe those are essential colors for one's wardrobe. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. Lol! Keep up your mischievous ways. Let those neighbors of yours have it, Girly! :]

Toujou To You, Too!

Maya is a beautiful person. I need to remember to remember that more often. Lately, there's been a lot of unnecessary negativity floating around in my head, and one blog post (one little sentence from that blog post) can remind me instantaneously that I've purposed NOT to be the person who lets a little bit of darkness stand in the way of sharing her light.

I've been talking to myself really. About a lot of things I'd like to share one day. Today, though, I'm going to share some things about myself. We're doing a tag, Gang. We are doing a tag. 

And by we, I mean all of us--- any of us who want to. Maya has already tagged my most visited bloggers (and since she's done it already... you get the drift) and the only other person I can think of officially tagging is Prerna who you all know by now is a blogger I admire for being so personable. But really, we are a team you guys and I. Together, we do great things. We make magic happen, even if only for a second in our own hearts. So if you wanna do the tag, do it! Let me know about it and I'll check it out. If you don't that's cool. It's JK Rowling/ Harry Potter's birthday, my sister's wedding anniversary, and an all around wonderful July 31st so I promise you, you won't hurt my feelings. My little heart will a-beat all the same. 

I'll post the rules for those of you who want to keep the ball rolling. And then I'll answer some questions. I guess that's how tags work or something. 

ZE RULES:

1. If tagged you must tag five others, giving each a quick sentence as to why you ALWAYS read their posts, and tell them that you've tagged them.

2. If tagged you must post your five favourite words. I know, I know, most people do facts, but facts are hard to think of so...

3. If and only if you want to/can be bothered to/have time to you can put up five questions for the people you've tagged. If and only if you want to/can be bothered to/have time to you can ANSWER the five questions your tagger set. If you want to answer questions but your tagger left none, answer your own questions :)

So...

1. I tag all of thee because I can. I always read the posts of people who comment on my blog because you guys take the time to read my posts. Plain and simple. Lately I've been terrible at responding, but know that I always read. Always. That's how I know Nicole is up to no good by harassing her neighbors with that shuttering camera of hers (for SHAME, Girl!). That's how I know Maya's got some serious explaining to do--- did you say yes, Chickadee? Am I going to be a grandmother any time soon? YOU'RE MY OLDEST BABY DON'T LEAVE ME!!! (We'll talk for rizzle SOON, Honey. I know where you hang on Wednesdays.) That's how I know Sonal is back and better than ever (I have starred today's blog post. 10 ways to increase happiness? "Know Sonal." That should've been on the list). I tag all of you because I need to make a better effort and not just READ your blogs, but become part of YOUR blogger families as well.

2. In memory of Albus Dumbledore: Lemon drop! Ice-cream! Persnickety bookish hooligans!

3. (Because Maya answered two sets of questions, I'm answering a mix of both. I'll leave a second set of questions for you to answer or mix and match with these in a magical #4. Feel free to answer as many as you want. I always break tag rules. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.)

Q: Favorite song lyrics?

A: It's a bit of a paragraph, want to hear it? Want to read it?

"When I was a boy of seventeen--- I know it's mean, but I

I told my friend to give up on her dream. She hated me, but I

I knew that dreams were for the best of us, not for the rest of us, and I

I didn't want to share with anyone...

I am a marathon runner. My legs are sore. And I'm anxious to see what I'm running for.

I am a hot air balloon on a sailboat. I would make this my home if I'd learned to float." 

Q: What is your guilty pleasure?
A: Have you ever heard of TIGER'S CURSE by Colleen Houck? There are major flaws in the writing. Major things I dislike about the characterization. Major "want to rip your hair out" things that aren't in a good kinda way. AND YET... I'm waiting for the fourth one to come out this September. FOR SHAME!!! But I love Colleen so I don't feel COMPLETELY guilty about it. 

Q: Name your three utter essentials. 

A: Fully stocked place to live (food and toiletries required), books, and chocolate.

Q: Which celebrity would you want to kiss?

A: At the moment? This exact one? Ryan Lochte counts. ...Right? 

Q: What colors appear most frequently in your wardrobe?

A: I kid you not--- black, blue, gray, white. No. I am not a downer, I promise. 

MAGICAL #4:

1. Who's your Olympic crush? (Or eye candy. :P)

2. Without naming this person, if you could say anything to a person you care about without fear, what would you say? (Think Post Secret. But public.)

3. What does summer mean to you?

4. What's your dream job?

5. When life hands you lemons... 

Lots of love you guys! 

Until next time,

Deserae

P.S. Thank you, Nicole, for also tagging me! I love ya!

P.P.S. Rose, honorary shout out to you for being awesome. That is all. 

Commenting on Comments

Sonal- So glad to see you at it again! I think I'll make the leap to a full-frontal pic once I return to school!

Nicole- I agree whole-heartedly regarding TFiOS. And you're welcome! My "wisdom" usually results in me rambling so feel free to stop me if and when that nonsense occurs. 

Maya- Again, thank you! I appreciate you tagging me and like I said, it was just what I needed. My sister and I recently had a mini-HP marathon. I immediately thought about the basilisk!
Nicole again- Haha! An extra thanks! Just in case you missed the first one. You're getting so great at your photography. Keep at it!

In Which I Respond to Your Comments

After having returned from a long time blogging hiatus, I posted a simple note in which I divulged a few of my thoughts. You have shared yours in return. I owe you each a penny.

To the brave and beautiful Nicole who is a lot smarter than any of the eighth graders I knew in MY year...

... I think often of the future, too, and your worries are also mine. Even when I was your age, I used to think of success not as a dream but as a nightmare--- an obtainable something I couldn't quite get a hold on.

Enter the name of this blog!

It used to be a negative mantra. Almost, but not quite there. But then something changed in me, as things often do. I took out the but. Added parentheses. Then I wanted to blog. I wanted to show people that I was almost there. Just, not quite yet.

Perspective is a biggie. I've had to change mine SEVERAL times. God helps with that. People help with that. LIFE helps with that. But really, it's something WE'VE got to DO. I know. I'm putting emphasis on all the wrong words. That's how I talk and how I think and how I figure things out. You are brilliant, respectable, loving AND loveable... I have no doubt that, in time, you'll find your mantra. You'll make a goal. You'll get 'er done. In regards to TFiOS, read, read, read and tell me what you think! I thought it was brilliant and, too, crushed on Augustus. As I've mulled it over, though, I realize HE is the character I think of some nights when I can't sleep. Not Hazel. Is that a bad thing?

All my love!
You Know Who

To the brilliant little Mama named Ms. Prerna Pickett...

...You and your jumbled mind continue to bless and inspire me. I don't comment on your wonderful blog as often as I should, but I am reading it and every time I visit I get the chills on how well you know what I need to hear without knowing I need to hear it!

I too, am more elegant in my written words, so I often jot things I'm thinking into my little BrainBooks. They're great company and they keep me sane. If you don't have something like it, might I suggest it? Any tiny journal thing will do. :)

P.S. Your craziness makes you YOU. It's awesome like that.
Deserae

To Sonal, my sweet!

You musn't let school get you down! Or anything for that matter! Our minds ought to be our safe havens. Our Palaces of Peace. Our Thinking Cap-sules of sorts. Not that we should lock out darkness (because I heard once that if we didn't know darkness, we'd never know light), but we shouldn't let it consume us. We're bigger than our shadows. Remember that! And though I'm glad to have cheered you up, hearing from you has cheered me too, so thanks for commenting! Your new picture is cute. It's so nice to see all of your faces. Perhaps it's time I turn around in mine. Haha!

Later gator,
Mi-mi-mi-mi-ME!

To my favorite sister, Freda, as long as you don't tell the others...

I absolutely loved what you said and I promise! I didn't criticize it once! Lol! Yes, it's called hope and I have always hoped for more and more and more... The problem is sometimes I forget myself. I forget where I am sometimes. Is that strange? Do you know what I mean?

It's like I'm here. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm fitting in what I want to do, but one day, for some reason, everything feels wrong. And the second I stop I think, "What am I doing?" It's at times like these when I have ALL OF ZE DOUBTS. About my plans, about college... It's so easy to want to give up. I am good at that. 

But God knows where he wants me. He knows where he wants me to be. He has guided me, and is guiding me to a better tomorrow. I plan on thanking Him for that in whatever way I can.

Thank you for everything. You, Z, and Kia must know that I would've never gotten this far without you. We're sisters and THAT has always meant the world to me. Even if I'm never published, or if I never see Europe, or if I end up a hobo on the street (Dear God: NO.), I'll always be THAT.

So you'll take care of me when I'm broke and hungry, right?

Love always,
YOUR favorite sister with no contingencies.

To all of you...
...I'll post again soon. Thank you for your love and support!

Wishing you all well,
Deserae

Penny for your Thoughts

I've been thinking lately, and as you know that's a dangerous thing. I've been thinking about...

...what it means to be a friend--- a good one.
...how secrets, once known, can literally change everything.

I've been thinking about change and, thanks to Maya, about how it's not always a bad thing...

I've been thinking about my stories, my characters... about if my dreams have changed...

I think things like:
Maybe I'm just meant to help other people.
Or maybe I just need to start helping myself.
Or perhaps there's a middle ground? One I'm overlooking?
Perhaps I am too lazy for this profession.

And then I think, "NO! THIS IS WHAT I WAS BOOOOORRRRRNNNN TO DO!"
And then I think, "Ooo! Ice-cream! I wonder if The Mentalist is on. It is! SIMON BAKER!!!!"

I've been thinking about time again. About college. About my life and life in general.

I've been thinking and that's more than I've done in a long time. I'm kind of proud of myself. What have you been thinking about these days?

Lots of love,
Deserae

Another Song

Hey guys!

I haven't posted for a while and that's because I'm finishing up my first year in college! YAY!!! This coming week is the last I'll have to spend here until the fall, so I've been writing again and as you know, I write songs for my books sometimes if the scene calls for a bit of musica. Welp! The one I was working on last night definitely needed a song and so ya'll get to see the lyrics to "I Asked the Clouds to Rain" by a group of mine named Evermore.

I Asked the Clouds to Rain
by Evermore

            I left this road as a tear on a crowded street...

            Left it behind, but somehow it has found me again.

            Looked to the sky and closed my eyes— sorting thoughts in my head.

            Let out a cry and realized this was the end of the old me.

            ‘Cause now it’s time to find my voice. Honey, I’ve run out of choices.

            I’m tired of holding onto things

            That only bring me down. It’s time to learn to stand on my two feet.

           

            So I asked the clouds to rain; I asked the clouds to pour.

            I asked them to erase the pain I couldn’t carry anymore.

            I already saw yesterday, so tomorrow seems bright,

            And was given a new today so as I blew a kiss to the sky

            I asked the clouds to rain.

            I said goodbye to that old world that I knew…

            I said goodbye, but somehow it has found me again.

            It’s hard to fly when your mind is stuck on dry land.

            And old me tried staying behind but now I’m tired of suffering.

            I have to try to find my voice. ‘Cause in the end I know all choices

            Boil down to these two things:

You can sit and burn under the sun or fight for liberty.

So I asked the clouds to rain; yeah I asked the clouds to pour.

I asked them to erase the pain I couldn’t carry anymore.

I already saw yesterday, so tomorrow seems bright,

And was given a new today so as I blew a kiss to the sky

I asked the clouds to rain.

Love,

Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Prerna- Thank you! I will continue to power through because you're right--- I don't avoid edits because I think they're hard... I'm afraid of doing everything I can for a manuscript and having it be finished in a "The End" sort of way. That's crazy sounding to me! 

Why I Never Finish Anything

You guys all know that I'm a writer who aspires to one day be AUTHOR. But you also know, by now, to accomplish that goal, I have to actually put my foot down and finish something. Revise it. Work on it until I CAN'T anymore.

If you've been with me for a while, you also know I don't finish things. Anymore, I should say. I have completed three manuscripts, two of which have potential, I think, but must undergo those hardcore edits every writer dreads, and the one that I adore conceptually, but the plot is lacking. Seriously, Deserae. You can do so much more with it, I swear!!!

So the million dollar question, I guess, is why does Desi keep starting NEW manuscripts? The answer isn't easy for me to say, but the truth of it is, I've grown lazy. It's true. I have turned into a lazy lump on a log.

It's not that I don't have the energy to revise, it's just that I have the tendency to get caught up on the fun part of the editing process (chocolate and sentence restructuring) that I never get around to implementing all those big picture ideas I thought would be so cool to change/add/destroy/etc. And while I'm zombie typing in a new thread, I'll suddenly remember that one cool thing I started a few years back. And I think, "I'm so much better, now. I could DO that!" And then I do that. Because at the time, I think I'm AWESOME.

But I've realized something and don't think I'm vain when I tell you what that something is. I've realized that all of my ideas are good--- like Sokka, I'm the idea guy! I can easily assess if something is good or not, and I see potential in pretty much everything--- most of the time, I can even EXPLAIN where the potential is and a few things we could do here and there to get it there.

And even he had to learn that just having an idea wasn't enough. Just putting the pieces together on the board, WASN'T it. During the Day of Black Sun, he kind froze when he realized he was in charge of the operation! But he finally learned how to take the reigns when he realized this thing wasn't getting done without him. He finally LEARNED that HE had to do something if he wanted to get his troops to the Fire Nation Palace!

And SURE he failed, but at least he did all he could do, right? I've figured it out. I don't finish things, because part of me isn't willing to go the distance--- to do all of the work! But like Sokka, I'm learning. And even if I fail, so what? At least I'll be able to say that I did all that I could do.

Check out ChesterSee! 

Get something done, today, ya'll,
Deserae
P.S. Don't forget your treat!

Commenting on Comments

Prerna- I love Baz Luhrmann, too! That's why I'm so conflicted about this film. It looks good, but so dark and scary... I don't know. This isn't Fitzgerald's Gatsby, that's for sure. 

Fre- Thanks! I knew you'd enjoy that beautiful face of mine. 

Nicole- Definitely read Gatsby and then watch the trailer again. Let me know your thoughts as someone who saw the trailer first. I wonder if your enjoyment of the story will be increased or decreased having experienced Gatsby this way. The trailer makes it seem super exciting. And it is, but essentially, Gatsby is a love story! There are just gangsta-like people involved in it. Lol! Glad you loved the Avengers, and thank you so much. Ya'll are helping me reach my dreams every day. I'm so grateful. Thank you millions. :)

Long Time No See

Hey, Guys!

Aren't you looking rather darling this beautiful Friday in May... I'm sorry I've been away so long. I haven't been busy--- I've been at my sister's house. And it's not that I can't use her wireless to talk to you all, it's just that my laptop still looks like THIS:

And therefore, I cannot use it unless it's plugged up to a monitor or something. It's true, though, that my screen is messed up and that I do have to use a monitor. But don't think my laptop came down with a case of ugly face--- it's just sad. That is all.

I've been hard at work with a wonderful group of people who are all working hard to get YouTube Rules! out for you guys by this summer. Thanks to all of you who expressed interest, the YTR scripts are becoming more and more fun for me to write, and I honestly think you guys are going to like what we came up with EVEN though I kind of suck at this thing called ACTING and this other thing called PROJECTING... Gosh. I really need to step it up! I know everyone else has. I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of love and committment from a group of people I hardly know, and yet, here everyone is doing their part in helping to make my dream come true. I love you all, even those of you who are just supporting what we do! I'm so thankful for your love, you don't even know... Well, I guess technically you do because I say this a lot, but still. I really, really, really love you guys.

That being said here are some treaties for you. If you're between the ages of 14 and 19 you are eligible to submit a short story to One Teen Story by MAY 31ST in order to be eligible for a $500 prize AND the chance to see your work PUBLISHED. Keep checking into my second (third? fourth?) blog Sommertales in order to get sneak-peek footage and firsthand news about YouTube Rules! Have you seen "The Great Gatsby" trailer yet? Have you read the book? Tell me... what do you think about it? And lastly, check out the "Treaties for You" page to read the story that I submitted for the One Teen Story contest and tell me what you think (because I may or may not be attempting to write that novel now. Maybe...).

Love ya'll,
Deserae
P.S. Like the song? Click here to tell the artist!

Commenting on Comments

Aria- I already replied to you but just wanted to say your first reel was great. Keep up the great work! Also, let me say again I loved your post on Writing Advice. It was fab. Faboo.

Prerna- It was a fun day and thank you for your warm wishes! I have been neglecting your blog for far too long. I must check it out soon to see how things are going with you as well because baby's here already, right? I can't even believe that!

Nicole- Yes! You can totally be the moral support! You're my anchor, my rock--- where would I be without you, I'd like to know?! I hope the Celebration was EXTREMELY fun and I've been checking out your blog but I can't remember: What was your verdict on Avengers? Was it awesome or was it awesome?

Talia- It's not weird that you like hearing about other people at all! I think it's such a wonderful thing that you can invest in other lives like that. You'll make a FANTASTIC author someday. And yes! I'd love for you to help with the YouTube thing! That is if you have time and if you're not too weirded out by what I told you in my last letter. Sometimes, I speak just to get things off my chest. And I thank you for listening to me especially during a time when I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. So yes. YouTube thing. Do it if you can! Email me--- I'd love to have you on at LEAST for an episode. It'd be perfect!

Alice- Yay! And thank you for keeping me on track. I owe you so much for the progression of episodes 3 and 4. You rock for keeping me focused!

Maya- My dear, you may comment on my brilliance whenever you'd like! As long as I'm allowed to comment on your kindness and your thoughtfulness and your all around awesomeness. Sound like a fair trade? Then deal. :) All of the men starring in the Avengers stole my heart in some way or another. Iron Man was just... oh gosh... And then Captain America was all... yeah... and so Thor was like... Saints par-sarve us! And Hawkeye? HOT! Hulk? HILARIOUS! I loved them all. Do not miss out on this one, Dearie, it's brill! Thanks for being my #1 fan! I've never had one of those before! You're kinda awesome! By the end of this, though, you're probably going to love Karly and Joel the most, watch. THEY do so much for this thing. I don't know if I could've done it without them!