Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Fear

I missed my Monday Mayhem post but it was probably for the best. I was exhausted last night and I probably needed a break from the mayhem that is my life for at least another day.
Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of good things going on for me at the moment and a lot of good things have happened this week that I want to share with you. 

I now have 15 followers so thanks, Loves. I appreciate all of you even if you don't read every single post. Because you took time out of one of your days to follow me and it's because of each of you that I can even say I'm at 15 (which, honestly, I never thought would happen. Weird, right? Because, pssh! I'm... almost awesome... yes?... don't say no...). People might think it's petty of me to celebrate 15, but I'm sorry--- I don't. I am grateful every time I log on to see that I have at least 1 person looking at my stuff. And because all of you are important, 15 is a pretty big deal in my opinion. 

I am starting to get at least a comment on every post, so thanks, again, for those of you who write back to me. I try to write back to you by commenting, too, but Sonal does something really cute on her blog that I might try out soon if the comments keep coming in. She responds to her comments in her posts every once in a while, which is really neat because she's constantly having a dialogue with her viewers. I love that, and I think it's really cool. We shall see if this is something we'll try, too. 

And besides both of those amazing blog things, I've been stumbling upon even more amazing blogs. Maybe Sonal just has the best followers in the world or something, but I've recently joined Poppy's blog and Abby's blog and am looking forward to what they're going to post. I don't know... both blogs appeal to me. Maybe it's the pretty pictures. Or maybe I trust Sonal (who you should follow, by the way) who has great taste in books, blogs, and boots

And in the midst of all of these good things, I stumbled across something that was not so good. This week, I had to answer the question "What's your biggest fear?" on more than one occasion, and it's weird to know that my biggest fear is failing. 

I know, I know. A LOT of us are afraid of failing. But I'm so afraid of failing that I tend to do one of two things that I know are utterly ridiculous, but do anyway because I'm silly and can't help myself.

1. I refuse to try things I know I won't be good at.
See, I thought this was me not doing things I "didn't like," at one point. But when I really looked over the things I "didn't like," most of the items on the list were things I couldn't do. For a long time, I hated my Drawing and Painting class, but that was because I couldn't draw or paint. I never tried dancing hip hop because I knew I couldn't move my body the way it needed to move to properly execute a move. So, essentially, I've kept myself from trying different things out of fear. And Dudes and Dudettes, that is lame for so many reasons, but know that I'm breaking the habit because I'm only hurting myself from becoming the rounded individual I claim to want to be.

2. What's even more worse is that, if I think I'm going to fail, I shut down instead of revving up.
What I mean by that can only be described through the horrible (yet completely true) story of when I failed Dance the second semester of my freshman year. I went through a serious bout of depression that year and I stopped really caring about my classes and what not. Dance, though, hurt my grades the most because the only way to stop caring about a P.E. class is to stop participating completely. So I did and, eventually, my grade started to drop. And there was a point where I instinctively knew that I was reaching a point where I had to either step it up or prepare myself to literally fail. I chose the latter road because it was easier and because I was scared that even if I tried, I wouldn't succeed.

This second habit is not so easy to break. It's one of those things that I'm working on, but it takes more than an "I'm going to try something new today!" to cure. This second act only comes at a point where I've literally got to choose to fight for redemption or accept defeat. And while I can usually fight against external issues that others and situations create for me with no problem, this premeditated self-destruction comes from the inside.

It attacks me at my core because I was the one who dug that first hole to begin with. I was the one who made the mess. If I had only pushed harder, I wouldn't have to climb back up the wall. If I had only cared earlier, I wouldn't have to struggle to make it through.

I'm telling you guys this because it's important. It's important to see yourself for all that you are and all that you're not from outside of what you already know. And after you take this look in the mirror, evaluate what you see. Separate the good from the bad, the things you can change from the things you can't. And strive to be better. Push to rid yourself of the things that are part of you, but are not part of who you want to be.

I have a short list I'm working on right now. Thanks to the friends and family I've had who were brave enough to tell me that I have the tendency to be a grumpalumpagus, my attitude has been changing into something more positive and (I have to say) more me. Thanks to the question regarding my greatest fear, I'm working on trying new things and pushing myself to try in spite of how bad things may seem. Thanks to the imminent arrival of our replacement roomie (I am sad, People, but this, we'll save for another day), I've had to evaluate my attitude toward "strangers," and am going to have to learn how to open up and be nothing short of inviting. And thanks to Life who keeps providing struggles, heartache, and (unfortunately!) headaches, I am always evaluating and reevaluating myself. There's no wrong way to be me.

I hope you guys are having a pleasant evening. I just got back from class. Blegh! I hate night classes, and I feel like death.

But we keep marching on.



  1. Aw, thanks for mentioning me! :) & following me as well.
    I will follow you ASAP when I get on a different computer, because on mine the followers button never pops up.
    Have a great weekend! =)


  2. Being optimistic is awesome... liking the view up there? Lol XD Hopefully, you'll succeed in all of your endeavours: especially knowing you, once you put your mind to something, you'll be brilliant!
    Good luck with the night classes!
    xox, Maya <3