I haven't posted for a while and that's because I'm finishing up my first year in college! YAY!!! This coming week is the last I'll have to spend here until the fall, so I've been writing again and as you know, I write songs for my books sometimes if the scene calls for a bit of musica. Welp! The one I was working on last night definitely needed a song and so ya'll get to see the lyrics to "I Asked the Clouds to Rain" by a group of mine named Evermore.
I Asked the Clouds to Rain by Evermore
I left this road as a
tear on a crowded street...
Left it behind, but somehow it has
found me again.
Looked to the sky and closed my
eyes— sorting thoughts in my head.
Let out a cry and realized this was
the end of the old me.
‘Cause now it’s time to find my
voice. Honey, I’ve run out of choices.
I’m tired of holding onto things
That only bring me down. It’s time
to learn to stand on my two feet.
So I asked the clouds to rain; I
asked the clouds to pour.
I asked them to erase the pain I
couldn’t carry anymore.
I already saw yesterday, so tomorrow
seems bright,
And was given a new today so as I
blew a kiss to the sky
I asked the clouds to rain.
I said goodbye to that old world
that I knew…
I said goodbye, but somehow it has
found me again.
It’s hard to fly when your mind is
stuck on dry land.
And old me tried staying behind but
now I’m tired of suffering.
I have to try to find my voice. ‘Cause
in the end I know all choices
Boil down to these two things:
You
can sit and burn under the sun or fight for liberty.
So
I asked the clouds to rain; yeah I asked the clouds to pour.
I
asked them to erase the pain I couldn’t carry anymore.
I
already saw yesterday, so tomorrow seems bright,
And
was given a new today so as I blew a kiss to the sky
I
asked the clouds to rain.
Love,
Deserae
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Prerna- Thank you! I will continue to power through because you're right--- I don't avoid edits because I think they're hard... I'm afraid of doing everything I can for a manuscript and having it be finished in a "The End" sort of way. That's crazy sounding to me!
You guys all know that I'm a writer who aspires to one day be AUTHOR. But you also know, by now, to accomplish that goal, I have to actually put my foot down and finish something. Revise it. Work on it until I CAN'T anymore.
If you've been with me for a while, you also know I don't finish things. Anymore, I should say. I have completed three manuscripts, two of which have potential, I think, but must undergo those hardcore edits every writer dreads, and the one that I adore conceptually, but the plot is lacking. Seriously, Deserae. You can do so much more with it, I swear!!!
So the million dollar question, I guess, is why does Desi keep starting NEW manuscripts? The answer isn't easy for me to say, but the truth of it is, I've grown lazy. It's true. I have turned into a lazy lump on a log.
It's not that I don't have the energy to revise, it's just that I have the tendency to get caught up on the fun part of the editing process (chocolate and sentence restructuring) that I never get around to implementing all those big picture ideas I thought would be so cool to change/add/destroy/etc. And while I'm zombie typing in a new thread, I'll suddenly remember that one cool thing I started a few years back. And I think, "I'm so much better, now. I could DO that!" And then I do that. Because at the time, I think I'm AWESOME.
But I've realized something and don't think I'm vain when I tell you what that something is. I've realized that all of my ideas are good--- like Sokka, I'm the idea guy! I can easily assess if something is good or not, and I see potential in pretty much everything--- most of the time, I can even EXPLAIN where the potential is and a few things we could do here and there to get it there.
And even he had to learn that just having an idea wasn't enough. Just putting the pieces together on the board, WASN'T it. During the Day of Black Sun, he kind froze when he realized he was in charge of the operation! But he finally learned how to take the reigns when he realized this thing wasn't getting done without him. He finally LEARNED that HE had to do something if he wanted to get his troops to the Fire Nation Palace!
And SURE he failed, but at least he did all he could do, right? I've figured it out. I don't finish things, because part of me isn't willing to go the distance--- to do all of the work! But like Sokka, I'm learning. And even if I fail, so what? At least I'll be able to say that I did all that I could do.
Prerna- I love Baz Luhrmann, too! That's why I'm so conflicted about this film. It looks good, but so dark and scary... I don't know. This isn't Fitzgerald's Gatsby, that's for sure.
Fre- Thanks! I knew you'd enjoy that beautiful face of mine.
Nicole- Definitely read Gatsby and then watch the trailer again. Let me know your thoughts as someone who saw the trailer first. I wonder if your enjoyment of the story will be increased or decreased having experienced Gatsby this way. The trailer makes it seem super exciting. And it is, but essentially, Gatsby is a love story! There are just gangsta-like people involved in it. Lol! Glad you loved the Avengers, and thank you so much. Ya'll are helping me reach my dreams every day. I'm so grateful. Thank you millions. :)
Aren't you looking rather darling this beautiful Friday in May... I'm sorry I've been away so long. I haven't been busy--- I've been at my sister's house. And it's not that I can't use her wireless to talk to you all, it's just that my laptop still looks like THIS:
And therefore, I cannot use it unless it's plugged up to a monitor or something. It's true, though, that my screen is messed up and that I do have to use a monitor. But don't think my laptop came down with a case of ugly face--- it's just sad. That is all.
I've been hard at work with a wonderful group of people who are all working hard to get YouTube Rules! out for you guys by this summer. Thanks to all of you who expressed interest, the YTR scripts are becoming more and more fun for me to write, and I honestly think you guys are going to like what we came up with EVEN though I kind of suck at this thing called ACTING and this other thing called PROJECTING... Gosh. I really need to step it up! I know everyone else has. I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of love and committment from a group of people I hardly know, and yet, here everyone is doing their part in helping to make my dream come true. I love you all, even those of you who are just supporting what we do! I'm so thankful for your love, you don't even know... Well, I guess technically you do because I say this a lot, but still. I really, really, really love you guys.
That being said here are some treaties for you. If you're between the ages of 14 and 19 you are eligible to submit a short story to One Teen Story by MAY 31ST in order to be eligible for a $500 prize AND the chance to see your work PUBLISHED. Keep checking into my second (third? fourth?) blog Sommertales in order to get sneak-peek footage and firsthand news about YouTube Rules! Have you seen "The Great Gatsby" trailer yet? Have you read the book? Tell me... what do you think about it? And lastly, check out the "Treaties for You" page to read the story that I submitted for the One Teen Story contest and tell me what you think (because I may or may not be attempting to write that novel now. Maybe...).
Aria- I already replied to you but just wanted to say your first reel was great. Keep up the great work! Also, let me say again I loved your post on Writing Advice. It was fab. Faboo.
Prerna- It was a fun day and thank you for your warm wishes! I have been neglecting your blog for far too long. I must check it out soon to see how things are going with you as well because baby's here already, right? I can't even believe that!
Nicole- Yes! You can totally be the moral support! You're my anchor, my rock--- where would I be without you, I'd like to know?! I hope the Celebration was EXTREMELY fun and I've been checking out your blog but I can't remember: What was your verdict on Avengers? Was it awesome or was it awesome?
Talia- It's not weird that you like hearing about other people at all! I think it's such a wonderful thing that you can invest in other lives like that. You'll make a FANTASTIC author someday. And yes! I'd love for you to help with the YouTube thing! That is if you have time and if you're not too weirded out by what I told you in my last letter. Sometimes, I speak just to get things off my chest. And I thank you for listening to me especially during a time when I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. So yes. YouTube thing. Do it if you can! Email me--- I'd love to have you on at LEAST for an episode. It'd be perfect!
Alice- Yay! And thank you for keeping me on track. I owe you so much for the progression of episodes 3 and 4. You rock for keeping me focused!
Maya- My dear, you may comment on my brilliance whenever you'd like! As long as I'm allowed to comment on your kindness and your thoughtfulness and your all around awesomeness. Sound like a fair trade? Then deal. :) All of the men starring in the Avengers stole my heart in some way or another. Iron Man was just... oh gosh... And then Captain America was all... yeah... and so Thor was like... Saints par-sarve us! And Hawkeye? HOT! Hulk? HILARIOUS! I loved them all. Do not miss out on this one, Dearie, it's brill! Thanks for being my #1 fan! I've never had one of those before! You're kinda awesome! By the end of this, though, you're probably going to love Karly and Joel the most, watch. THEY do so much for this thing. I don't know if I could've done it without them!
It's been a busy week, but today was one of the best Fridays I've had in a long while. I ate a really good Caesar Salad, I invited some peeps to a wedding, I took the wrong bus and ended up having to walk by the beach to downtown, I SAW THE AVENGERS WITH SOME FRIENDS! (you MUST see it, I swear!).
Then the bus driver who dumped us in the middle of nowhere earlier that day took us home. But first, he made the whole bus break out in "Bohemian Rhapsody." Then he made us make sad faces at the people who couldn't fit on the bus.
So basically, it was just an all-around good day because I've got Aria and Karly on board for the webseries! You know what I'm talking about... The one I said all of us could make together? Because, you know, I've got a script. And you've got a camera. And Karly's brother has an editing software. And we all really like each other, maybe.
I know it's weird to think that a rag-tag group of people can actually come together to make something sort of resembling awesome, but when you think about it, what's stopping us? We've got the technology and the means of communicating with one another. Why SHOULDN'T we do something fun and creative and (dare I say it?) COOL?
All you need to join this project is the following:
-Commitment and determination to see it through.
-A camera and (at least one) someone willing to act in front of it.
-The ability to email me at myticketsomewhere@gmail.com expressing your interest.
Seriously. That's it. Not everyone is going to be in every episode, but if you're really extremely down to help, let me know and I'll try to work you in as often as possible. And you know what? Because you're so nice, I'm even going to tell you, the folks at home, what it's about. Here's a brief synopsis of what our collab (you like what I did there?) is going to attempt to get at:
YouTube Rules!
Bree Jackson is going to be a star. Or at least that's what she tells her best friend Ariel one night over their weekly video chat. Ever since the Pearce family moved to the East Coast and took Ariel with them, Bree's thought up all sorts of ways to keep their friendship alive. First she ran up her parent's phone bill, then there was Skype, but now she's convinced that YouTube is the place where the two of them are going to find fame and undo the damage a couple of hundred miles has brought upon their relationship.
Although Ariel is skeptical about their supposed rise to fame and beyond reluctant to get in front of a camera after "the incident," she decides to humor Bree by hooking her up with a few friends from her side of the country. Together, the group shares a few laughs, frustrations, and breakdowns as they start to figure out who they are on the road to internet stardom.
Based on the tips and tricks of the trade posted in videos by Charlie McDonnell, Adorian Deck, Luke Sims, Claudia (BeyondBeautyStar), and more, YouTube Rules! is fundamentally an experiment to see if a remote collab could be successful and if the "rules" could work for anyone.
Sound familiar? Well it should! Because it's a highly dramatized version of our story, you guys! For me, this isn't about fame or fortune. It's about telling a story I want to share with the world. Yeah. That's why I write. But I realize it might be a long while before I actually get published. This? I can do this RIGHT NOW. With your help, I can share something I think could be really great with the world.
I've only written the pilot episode at this point so if you want like a "permanent" in, you should email me expressing interest soon! I've already got an idea who Ariel's going to be (ahem! Aria), and I already have an idea of who I'd love to be the friends she recommends (ahem! Karly and bro). Bree is going to be someone on my end because I also have plans of showing her in different locations other than in front of her computer screen. But as of right now, YOU could be in it, too. I swear! Let me know soon. Like I'm going to have to give you a deadline, aren't I. Hm... What's two weeks from today? The 19th? Well that's not an even number. So...
If you want a "permanent" part in this series, email me by May 12th.
If you want to be in it, but missed that deadline. No worries! I'll write you in if you email me by May 20th.
And, uh, yeah! That's about it. You guys don't know how happy ya'll have made me. In fact, ya'll have made me SO happy, you should look for something special in the Treaties for You section, ahora. The other webseries I was making needed a theme song, so I wrote one. And even though my voice cracks at some point during the recording, I feel so honored to be working with you guys, I'm willing to let you hear an embarrassing version of the song as a way to say "thanks" up until the day I stop accepting people for permanent roles (MAY 12TH!).
Love you guys. SO much.
BAI!
Deserae
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Nicole- Comments is a weird word indeed. Speaking of, I meant to leave one on your Bibliomania post, but can't remember if I ever got around to doing it! I shall rectify this at once. I adore you for mentioning me in the post and because I have your posts sent to my email, it was even more special because I got to save it. :) Haha! While winky faces ARE peculiar, your faith in my and optimism are downright spectacular. Thank you for your love, my dear. I must say that to you every time we speak, but I mean it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hope all is well! Have an awesome weekend and GO SEE THE AVENGERS!
Lately I've been sad. I don't think that's a surprise to any of you with the posts of suckiness or missing-ness that have appeared on this blog lately. But lately-er, or, more recently, rather, I've been making my way back to normal. See, when I posted the Back in the Game post, I was finding my way out of a hole I'd been digging for who knows how long, but I'm not even kidding... two days later, I got some shocking news, and it sucker punched me--- it was a cheap shot!--- and, well, I've been gone for a while. But I'm back because I meant what I said. I'm tired of being tired and done with being sad.
So part one of my ingenious plan to be happy was to just admit I wasn't. I wasn't happy. And I wanted to do something about it. So I started writing to a friend. And I started exploring myself once again. I branched out and found some new music. I am slowly but surely working my way back to functional.
But yeah, while I do that, all of the things will suffer. I'm sorry. I'll try to post on Home and Elsewhere eventually but right now, I just need time to recuperate. I know you understand. So I won't go on about that any longer.
Instead, I have to tell you guys the kinda bad news. The kinda bad news is that I kinda only have half a crew for my webseries. BUT I have an idea for a different one that could maybe--- MAYBE--- include you.
If you have a camera (an actual camera, a camcorder, a vid cam, a cam that does both, or hey! Even a webcam!) and if you would like to be part of an original series scripted by yours truly, then you should email me at myticketsomewhere@gmail.com by May 15th. Because you know who doesn't fail me? You guys. You never fail me. So why not make something cool together? Or cool-ish? Cool-ish is good too.
If you have friends who might be interested in helping out, I'd totally appreciate it. But you don't need a posse to be part of this. You just need a camera and one someone to be in front of it. And hey! That one someone could be you! Just email me saying you're interested, because with a project like this, I want to make sure I have a functional group and that could be with as little as three people up to fifty bazillion. Kidding!
So that's it. This is the first step I'm taking toward happiness. And lookit that! You can totes take it with me. You know you want to. You know you want me to want you to want to!
Love, Deserae
P.S. Thanks Talia for the song recommendation!
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Sonal- Your comments always help. Thank you and do take up a challenge like that of your own. It's quite helpful!
Maya- You didn't get too religious at all. As a Christian, I totally respect and admire people who encourage finding strength in God. Which is what I need to do. It's so hard letting go, sometimes. But I really need His might right now. Seriously. I've been flying solo far too long, my friend. I know this is all me, too. So I'm fighting it with no intention of losing.
Nicole- Haha! Don't tell anyone but this was I plan I stole from Charlie. Yes, yes, I'm trying to remain positive. Because positive is good, right? That's what I keep telling myself, anywho.
Last time I posted, I was in a weird place. I felt like I was neither here nor there, and I had to ask myself what it was that kept me going.
Well, Sonal said something that I realize is totally true for me, as well. She said the thing that motivates her is "...Knowing that whatever I do in life, even if I make mistakes along the way, I will always have awesome friends and family to talk to and cheer me up when I'm feeling my worst." And I feel SO similarly. I have my friends and my family and I have you guys as this constant support network, that, even when I feel like I'm making my way across a tightrope, all of you guys are going to be there to catch me if or when I fall.
It amazes me how you don't even know my family or my other friends or some of you don't even know each other, but you still find a way to support ME. I am constantly reminded that people are God's most beautiful creations, and each individual effort adds up in a monumental way.
I can't say I know what I'm doing. Even as I type this, I know I'm doing an incredibly stupid thing that I am going to be held accountable for in the very near future. But I also know that the decision I'm making is mine. I know that tomorrow is another day. And with the combination of these two things, my hope is that TOMORROW, the decisions I make will be a little bit better.
That's why I'm deciding TODAY that starting TOMORROW, things are going to be a little bit different for me. Every day from now until the end of the school year, I'm going to devote an hour of my day to doing two things: the first half an hour will be used for Greek, and the second half an hour will be used for writing. I can't really punish myself for not sticking to this, but I can reward myself for doing it. And for every five days I stick to this thing, I will allow myself a TREAT (read: a new book). This new book thing will be good for the next thirty days. After that, I'll have to reward myself in other ways.
I'm just trying to give myself a fighting chance. 'Cause those are nice. And we all need them, I think.
Love, Deserae
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Sonal- Thanks for your comment. It honestly meant the world to me. <3
Lately I've been thinking. And, no, this isn't anything new. I've been thinking about the things that motivate us, and me, more specifically, to continue on, even when we feel like we've lost sight of the point 20 miles back down the road.
There are two truths: life is wonderful, and life sucks. And I know, that sounds contradictory, but in your heart, you know it's true. There are two sides to every coin, but just because they're opposites, doesn't mean they cancel out one another. The two somehow have found a way to coincide--- to both be equally real and equally important in order for us to be able to have a hold of the whole...
So life is great. And life is not. And that's what makes it yours and mine. Our stories of love AND war. Of good AND bad. Of joy AND pain. If we didn't have one, I doubt we'd appreciate or understand the other.
There's been a lot on my mind and on my heart lately. Things I have yet to fully understand or reason out. Part of me is annoyed at all this conflict, but a bigger chunk is excited. I haven't been this introspective since my freshman and sophomore year which was the darkest year and a half of my life. And I'm glad that I've learned to search myself without having to go to that dark place. And I'm surprised that all of a sudden, I have this urge to analyze every. little. thing.
I just... I haven't been very motivated lately and I've wondered why that is. What used to propel me forward without my even having to think on it? What made me want to get out of bed and conquer the world? Because nowadays, I stay up late to enjoy the solace that is the early morning. And I wake up to the late morning sun, not wanting to crawl from the safety of my blankets to do the things I know must be done. I want to sleep. I want to dream of a world where your only responsibility is to yourself and to the life you want to lead. As I write this, I realize that the world actually DOES sort of work this way, but it's not an exact science here in reality... When you wake up, there are just as many HAVE TO DOs as there are WANT TO DOs.
I've been drifting, and that's not a state I like to be in. That's the place you go when you don't know what to do with yourself. That's the place you go when you're about to face a crossroads of either giving up or giving your all. I could just turn around. I could turn around right now and skip this purgatory and go straight for the gusto. But I can't because I don't know what I'd be fighting for. For myself? For... something?
What's my motivation? God has always been my rock, but I've been getting radio silence from the Big Man Upstairs. Usually, I get this feeling in my gut that's telling me which way to turn, where to go, who to take with me... But "lately it's so quiet, in this place..." I don't exactly feel lost, but I feel stuck in suspended animation, spinning around and around as I contemplate what to do next.
Now I know life is good. And I know life isn't always that way. But it's never like this--- we do this to ourselves. Situations come and go, and they alter the way we perceive things and they challenge us to do better, to be stronger... But ultimately, we're in control of the paths we take and the moves we make and I'm just TRYING TO REMEMBER how I used to march along. How did I drag my feet along the gravel and hope they'd lead me to a better tomorrow? I'm still doing that. Dragging my feet, moving forward. But I can't remember why. How do you guys keep marching on?
Love always,
Deserae
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Nicole- I think I commented on your blog yesterday about how freaking proud I am that you won first in your meet, but here's a more public announcement: I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU! Thanks for being there for me, and also, yes. Monday's are like the murderers of coherency. What is wrong with them?
Maya- Definitely use his diaper days against him, and also, whenever you see him flirting with a girl, make fun of his technique. Boys LOVE that ;). I was not so careful with my chocolate intake. I think I ate seven mini-Twix and a handful of butterscotch candies in less than a 24 hr. period. :) And uh-oh! You think we're going to take different sides? Nonsense! Or... is it? Haha! We'll see and yes! I'll let you know! Merci beaucoup, ma cherie. Oh Lord, Maya... One day, you'll have to teach me French.
