The Fear

I missed my Monday Mayhem post but it was probably for the best. I was exhausted last night and I probably needed a break from the mayhem that is my life for at least another day.

Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of good things going on for me at the moment and a lot of good things have happened this week that I want to share with you. 

I now have 15 followers so thanks, Loves. I appreciate all of you even if you don't read every single post. Because you took time out of one of your days to follow me and it's because of each of you that I can even say I'm at 15 (which, honestly, I never thought would happen. Weird, right? Because, pssh! I'm... almost awesome... yes?... don't say no...). People might think it's petty of me to celebrate 15, but I'm sorry--- I don't. I am grateful every time I log on to see that I have at least 1 person looking at my stuff. And because all of you are important, 15 is a pretty big deal in my opinion. 

I am starting to get at least a comment on every post, so thanks, again, for those of you who write back to me. I try to write back to you by commenting, too, but Sonal does something really cute on her blog that I might try out soon if the comments keep coming in. She responds to her comments in her posts every once in a while, which is really neat because she's constantly having a dialogue with her viewers. I love that, and I think it's really cool. We shall see if this is something we'll try, too. 

And besides both of those amazing blog things, I've been stumbling upon even more amazing blogs. Maybe Sonal just has the best followers in the world or something, but I've recently joined Poppy's blog and Abby's blog and am looking forward to what they're going to post. I don't know... both blogs appeal to me. Maybe it's the pretty pictures. Or maybe I trust Sonal (who you should follow, by the way) who has great taste in books, blogs, and boots. 

And in the midst of all of these good things, I stumbled across something that was not so good. This week, I had to answer the question "What's your biggest fear?" on more than one occasion, and it's weird to know that my biggest fear is failing. 

I know, I know. A LOT of us are afraid of failing. But I'm so afraid of failing that I tend to do one of two things that I know are utterly ridiculous, but do anyway because I'm silly and can't help myself.

1. I refuse to try things I know I won't be good at.
See, I thought this was me not doing things I "didn't like," at one point. But when I really looked over the things I "didn't like," most of the items on the list were things I couldn't do. For a long time, I hated my Drawing and Painting class, but that was because I couldn't draw or paint. I never tried dancing hip hop because I knew I couldn't move my body the way it needed to move to properly execute a move. So, essentially, I've kept myself from trying different things out of fear. And Dudes and Dudettes, that is lame for so many reasons, but know that I'm breaking the habit because I'm only hurting myself from becoming the rounded individual I claim to want to be.

2. What's even more worse is that, if I think I'm going to fail, I shut down instead of revving up.
What I mean by that can only be described through the horrible (yet completely true) story of when I failed Dance the second semester of my freshman year. I went through a serious bout of depression that year and I stopped really caring about my classes and what not. Dance, though, hurt my grades the most because the only way to stop caring about a P.E. class is to stop participating completely. So I did and, eventually, my grade started to drop. And there was a point where I instinctively knew that I was reaching a point where I had to either step it up or prepare myself to literally fail. I chose the latter road because it was easier and because I was scared that even if I tried, I wouldn't succeed.

This second habit is not so easy to break. It's one of those things that I'm working on, but it takes more than an "I'm going to try something new today!" to cure. This second act only comes at a point where I've literally got to choose to fight for redemption or accept defeat. And while I can usually fight against external issues that others and situations create for me with no problem, this premeditated self-destruction comes from the inside.

It attacks me at my core because I was the one who dug that first hole to begin with. I was the one who made the mess. If I had only pushed harder, I wouldn't have to climb back up the wall. If I had only cared earlier, I wouldn't have to struggle to make it through.

I'm telling you guys this because it's important. It's important to see yourself for all that you are and all that you're not from outside of what you already know. And after you take this look in the mirror, evaluate what you see. Separate the good from the bad, the things you can change from the things you can't. And strive to be better. Push to rid yourself of the things that are part of you, but are not part of who you want to be.

I have a short list I'm working on right now. Thanks to the friends and family I've had who were brave enough to tell me that I have the tendency to be a grumpalumpagus, my attitude has been changing into something more positive and (I have to say) more me. Thanks to the question regarding my greatest fear, I'm working on trying new things and pushing myself to try in spite of how bad things may seem. Thanks to the imminent arrival of our replacement roomie (I am sad, People, but this, we'll save for another day), I've had to evaluate my attitude toward "strangers," and am going to have to learn how to open up and be nothing short of inviting. And thanks to Life who keeps providing struggles, heartache, and (unfortunately!) headaches, I am always evaluating and reevaluating myself. There's no wrong way to be me.

I hope you guys are having a pleasant evening. I just got back from class. Blegh! I hate night classes, and I feel like death.

But we keep marching on.

Love,
Deserae 

Awards and General Loveliness

I went downtown today with my flatmate, Due, and, on top of getting to know her on a new level of awesome, I got my costume for the Halloween bash we're a'throwing. Pictures will come at a later date because A.) I'm exhausted and B.) I have awards to delve out! 


Yes! When I got home, my first email notification for the blog This Blog has no Name arrived. And to my surprise, the lovely Sonal won an award AND decided to pass it along to Talia, Olivia, Tiffany, Miah, and (wait for it...) me! So Almost (not quite) There has been awarded the One Lovely Blog Award courtesy from Sonal (who was awarded it by Poppy) and the way this works is simple. 
I post the award in my post. Check! 
I then answer the following questions. 
Then, I award it to others. I am so flattered and so thankful that words cannot describe this compilation of emotions I'm feeling. 


Anywho. Onwards we march. 


Part 1: Questions
1. What's your favourite colour?
I like most shades of blue and blue greens, so I'm going to cop out and say blue. Is that okay?

2. Name your favourite song.
Agh! This is hard. My favorite song RIGHT NOW is "I've Got this Friend" by The Civil Wars. However, yesterday it was "Something Good Can Work" by Two Door Cinema Club and the day before that was something entirely different. I don't like picking favorites!

3. Name your favourite dessert.
Mint chocolate chip ice-cream with Nutella and whipped cream (and sometimes cookie bits. Yum!).

4. What pisses you off?
I'm easily annoyed, so sometimes it's just me, but I really hate it when people try to belittle me or make me feel or look stupid, JUST to make themselves seems superior. That's lame, Folks. And SO Grade Three.

5. Your favourite pet?
I've loved all my pets. Tanger the Turtle. Snuggles the Hamster. And Momo the Kitty. I think my favorite pet is the one I have at the moment, so Amelia the Cat wins. I love kitties and she's such a grumpalumpagus.

6. Black or white?
White

7. Your biggest fear?
I'm afraid of failing. And yet, I do this on a daily basis so you'd think I'd be used to it.

8. Everyday attitude?
I'm always trying to stay positive. Either the cup is half full or it's twice as big as it needs to be. Hehe! I don't remember where I heard that. GREAT line.

9. Your best feature?
Like, physically? Oh, Lord... My pinky toe? I don't know!

10. What is perfection?
Perfection is the state of realizing that one doesn't have to be perfect in order to be their best.

11. What is your guilty pleasure?
Guilty? As in, I should feel bad about it? I don't know. I feel like I should feel bad about SO many things I like... like Dawson's Creek, my love for Euro music, and my obsession with whipped cream. But I don't. These are the things I love and essentially, they make me, me.

Part 2: 7 random things about me
1. I'm a procrastinator.
2. I sometimes put on an English accent because I think I'm cool like that. 
3. I never do the things I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do them unless trouble will immediately follow in the case that I don't. 
4. I hardly ever make sense (see above). 
5. I mumble. And I do it on purpose because I'm always talking to myself but if I say things louder than a mumble, people start having opinions and what not. Who wants those?! 
6. I am one of 5 children (and my brother is the only boy). 
7. I love to learn (but I tend to dislike school. Bleh!).

Part 3: I award the One Lovely Blog Award to...
Maya
Victoria Schwab
Claire Legrand 
and Bareha


If I could re-award this to Sonal and Talia, I would. But you know where to find them, now, so find them you must! I hope you all had a lovely weekend and I will talk to you guys at Home, Elsewhere, or here tomorrow. Thanks, Poppy! And thanks a million, Sonal. 

Love,
Deserae <3
P.S. Oh! As Maya pointed out, this is my 50th post! What a wonderful way to celebrate. With awards! Woot! 

Snapshot Saturday #5: Come in, Inspiration

It's been one of those days.
Okay weeks.
Okay... months.
It's been hard, to say the least.

There are days when I am all hyped up on happy juice and I want to save the world. And then there are days that I've been quiet about... The ones where I don't get out of bed until twelve because I had to do homework until four in the morning... The ones where I'm so upset, frustrated, defeated to the point where I'm literally shaking. Yeah. It's been hard. And I wasn't just "not talking about it" because I'm trying to keep some image up. I didn't talk about it because I didn't want it to be real. I don't know if you know what that feels like--- to have so much faith in the power of words that saying your down means you're nearly out.

I'm one of those people. The hopeless optimist. And even though some people wouldn't agree with that (yeah... I felt that sarcastic grimmace) I learned from the best how to have faith in tomorrow. I'm crazy in that way. There's always a chance for better, in my opinion. We just have to want it badly enough, and not be afraid to get it for ourselves.

So I've been trying. I've been doing different things to get my happy back. Because I'm not unhappy. I'm just in this state of stress that's overwhelming my spirit. And the way I've always climbed out of the holes I dig is to build myself a ladder. And I know what you're thinking: how do you build a ladder when you're in a hole? And the answer is simple: with imagination and creativity.

I've been up to things, and these things make me happy. I've been rewriting (yes... rewriting) that WIP that has nothing to do with Anna. I've been eating lots of mint chocolate chip ice-cream with Nutella and whipped cream (don't try this at home--- I'm a professional). And I've been honing my creativity by reminding myself of good things through my new blogs, My Ticket Home, and her sister, My Ticket Elsewhere.

If you need a break from your hectic life, or if you need some encouragement, or if you need some inspiration, or if you just want to look at and click on pretty pictures, please join me there. Both blogs are interactive in the sense that they will only run with your contributions. So tell your friends. Tweet about your favorite pages. Comment on the posts. And take advantage of the love the I and other people are putting into it so that you can find (and keep!) your happy, too.

Ciao, Bellas.

~Deserae <3
P.S. Oh, Gowe... How I love you. You'll love him, too. Check him out if you're not sure about rap. He. will. change. you.

Quick-Write Wednesday #5: News!

Some awesome girls are joining the blogosphere, and as soon as their blogs go live and become established, I will post the links in a special blog post. But today's blog post is about me! Don't you love that? I do. SO much. And it has to do with a few changes that are going to be happening over the next week.

I'm going to be starting a new blog. I know, right?! Me. Starting a new blog. But it's because I want to separate some stuff. Like... like this.

Almost (not quite) There (THIS BLOG) is going to be for my personal use. I'll start talking to you guys about MY day, and MY writing, and things that I like. It's going to be very selfish indeed. Kind of like it already is, but better. Hehe! The blog features like Monday Mayhem, Quick-Write Wednesday, and Saturday Snapshot are all going to stay, but they'll be more interesting--- I promise--- because I'm going to get a little more personal with the stuff I post instead of just going, "Here you go!" and hoping you read it. Because that totally sucks, right?! Go ahead... Be honest... And I'm going to try to keep this blog up because I like blogging and I like you guys and I want to. That's good enough reason to do anything, I think.

But this second blog (that's unnamed right now) is going to be for you. It's going to feature things like inspirational quotes and verses, giveaway gabble, blog posts I like, guest posts by some of my favorite bloggers, and bookish things like book reviews and (maybe? One day?) author interviews.

I hope you guys keep up with both blogs because I'll be trying to update them both. And I'll let you know when it goes live. No worries! Until then, here's another Gothic Girls song. Hope you like it! Twelve days to Halloween! Squee!!!

"My Other Side" (It's Almost Midnight) -The Gothic Girls

Ooo... What are you doing here?
I can't go out tonight.
The full moon is so clear,
And it's a dangerous sight.
Turning tops and ticking clocks---
The moon is high; the water's fine.
Looming clouds might make a shroud
But I guarantee, Babe, that you're risking your life.

I can't explain this thing that's happening,
And I can't hide from my other side.
Oh, it's no game; you'd better be afraid---
I think it's time. It's almost midnight.

True... I am growing...
Growing out of control.
And you should get going
If you want to save your soul.
Rumors flying, restless fighting---
Cauldrons bubble, full of trouble.
Moon is high, the water's fine.
So jump right for one adventurous ride.

I can't explain this thing that's happening,
And I can't hide from my other side.
Oh, it's no game, you'd better be afraid.
I think it's time. It's almost midnight.

You should get out; you should go now.
I won't bite... no, oh no I lied.
All my secrets now you know,
So go! I cannot stop the moon, you know.

No, I can't explain this thing that's happening,
But I can't hide--- it's almost midnight.
Whoa, who's to blame for something inhumane?
It's not me, this time, but, Hon, it's midnight.

Oh yeah, it's midnight.
Too late; it's midnight...

Love,
Deserae
P.S. This is one of the BEST. SONGS. EVER. Just saying.

Monday Mayhem #5: Don't Worry

Halloween has got the world going a little whackadoodle. I'm not going to lie: last week was tough. But looking back on it, it wasn't unmanageable. It was just bad in the moment, and now that we've separated ourselves from one another, I feel stronger because I got through it. I don't know... Maybe I'm being too analytical about things again.

But God tells us not to worry about tomorrow. He takes care of us and all of our days are in His hands. I used to hear this and, for some reason, forget His word whenever a trial or tribulation came my way. But the message has finally sunk in. I finally get it. I have no control over the future. I can only make do with what's in front of me, now. I love the "one day at a time" mentality, and, knowing that this way of thinking is not just "alright" but is what we're supposed to be doing makes me feel a whole mess better. Even though the world is changing, God's word is constant and you know what he says?

Don't. Worry.

"Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

I was going to post another Gothic Girl song today, but we shall do that on Wednesday. I think you guys have had enough of me for tonight. Tonight's song is one of Bee's current loves (she is all for anything Colbie Calliat so I LIE. This is one of MY former loves and I'm hoping she doesn't mind it) so give it a listen and be sure to check her out, soon! If you guys have suggestions for the end song, let me know. I'll definitely take them into consideration.

Until next time!

Love,
Deserae
P.S. Doesn't her voice make you want to relax?! "Don't worry... Be happy..." And all of that jazz. :)

Quick-Write Wednesday #4: Thursday

I'm feeling lazy today so you guys get another song. I'm sorry. One day, I'll be out, I swear. But for now, please put up with the fact that I am swamped with work, and also with the fact that Halloween is coming (insert snaps for awesome segue here. :]). This song is by a really unique group that is dedicated to creating songs based on Halloween and I thought I'd start posting the songs from their album Halloween is Coming so you guys could start getting pumped for the holidays! And yes. I know it's Thursday. Forgive me if I had to get some sleep yesterday, shut my computer, and forgot to put this up. But just know I had the best intentions. Intentions are good, right?

"Halloween is Coming" (Yeah, Yeah) -The Gothic Girls 
Halloween is coming if you know what I mean, yeah,
We're gonna keep on drumming 'til we hear the crowd scream
"Yeah, yeah!"
Halloween is coming and you know we're not lying---
We'll keep this party pumpin' 'til we hear our fans cryin'
"Yeah, yeah!"

The night's getting darker--- don't you feel a chill?
Halloween's nearing--- are you ready for a thrill?
It's late in October--- don't want the night to end.
We're gonna keep playing again and again, again, again...


Halloween is coming if you know what I mean, yeah,
We're gonna keep on drumming 'til we hear the crowd scream
"Yeah, yeah!"
Halloween is coming and you know we're not lying---
We'll keep this party pumpin' 'til we hear our fans cryin'
"Yeah, yeah!"

Each house has a story, but we only want the goods
We're all masquerading as the ghosts who haunt the woods.
The darkness is looming, but we're gonna make it bright.
We're gonna keep playing 'cause this is our night, tonight's our night!


Halloween is coming if you know what I mean, yeah,
We're gonna keep on drumming 'til we hear the crowd scream
"Yeah, yeah!"
Halloween is coming and you know we're not lying---
We'll keep this party pumpin' 'til we hear our fans cryin'
"Yeah, yeah!"

Pumpkins line every porch
Jack-o-lanterns cast shadows 'cross the floor.
Our music it fills the air
And this one word is heard everywhere
Yeah, yeah!


Halloween is coming if you know what I mean, yeah,
We're gonna keep on drumming 'til we hear the crowd scream
"Yeah, yeah!"
Halloween is coming and you know we're not lying---
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fin. 

So... yeah. No pun intended. Okay, so there was a little pun intended, but that's just the way we roll. Get it? I'm so punny today! But in the interest of keeping ya'll entertained rather than annoyed, I'm just going to get straight to today's giveaway gabble which I think'll be fun since I liked sharing with you guys last time. I'll get better at how I do this. I promise. Maybe I'll do separate posts. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Over at Lisa Desrochers' blog is a contest for a query critique from literary agent Suzie Townsend!

Suzie Townsend!

Lisa Desrochers

Lisa Desrochers is a YA author whose latest book, Original Sin, is in stores now. It's the sequel to Personal Demons, and the last book in the trilogy, The Last Rite, comes out May 2012.

Suzie Townsend is now an agent at the Nancy Coffey Literary Agency. She represents both adult and children's literature and can be found on the Twitterverse!

Be sure to follow both of these amazing ladies for information about the books their writing and helping get sold and if you've got something worth pitching, definitely check out that contest which will be running until noon PDT tomorrow!

Go, go, go!

Love,
Deserae

Monday Mayhem #4: Good Things are Happening

Do you ever wake up (especially on a Monday) thinking that today is going to be the worst day in the world, but when you actually get through it, you realize it wasn't as bad as it could've been?

Yeah. That's me today. In fact, I'm going to go as far as to say that today was actually nice. And that's mayhem! Especially since (as you can see) it's a Monday!

Aren't Mondays supposed to be horrible? Aren't they supposed to be like evil creatures from the heavens above?  Mondays, though, have been very kind to me lately. So maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't assume things are going to be horrible before I even give them a try. This goes for people, foods, events, and, now, Mondays.

But I also think this is a sign that good things are happening. I'm really big on signs, because they're fun to look for and meant to keep us hopeful or aware. So I feel like this the Lord's way of telling me that things are never as bad as they seem. And that maybe, they're getting better. And that maybe, they're getting--- good!

I feel like things are getting gooder than good. Real great-like, even. So now I want to spread some goodness to you guys. I'm going to gabble about a giveaway I heard about! And if I remember to, I'll do this more often.

Today's giveaway gabble is featured at PJ Hoover's blog Roots in Myth for a book called Glow.

Out in the murky nebula lurks an unseen enemy: the New Horizon. On its way to populate a distant planet in the wake of Earth's collapse, the ship's crew has been unable to conceive a generation to continue its mission. They need young girls desperately, or their zealous leader's efforts will fail. Onboard their sister ship, the Empyrean, the unsuspecting families don't know an attack is being mounted that could claim the most important among them...

Fifteen-year-old Waverly is part of the first generation to be successfully conceived in deep space; she was born on the Empyrean, and the large farming vessel is all she knows. Her concerns are those of any teenager—until Kieran Alden proposes to her. The handsome captain-to-be has everything Waverly could ever want in a husband, and with the pressure to start having children, everyone is sure he's the best choice. Except for Waverly, who wants more from life than marriage—and is secretly intrigued by the shy, darkly brilliant Seth.

But when the Empyrean faces sudden attack by their assumed allies, they quickly find out that the enemies aren't all from the outside.


PJ Hoover is an Indie author who is being represented by the Andrea Brown Literary Agency's Laura Rennert. Her newest e-book, Solstice, is an ecclectic mix of dystopian and mythology so be sure to check her out, too, while you're over there. 

   

If you guys like the giveaway gabble, let me know and I'll keep doing it. Until later (because I might post again today! Yay for maybes and mights!)...

Love,

Deserae

For Arianna

I have a feeling this week is going to be full of these kinds of posts, but they're worth it because you guys are worth it. I wrote this song for a musical that's going to be in an upcoming scene, but dedicate it to a girl who I'm starting to become friends with. To a girl who might smile if she had something special to remind her that she's special. This song is by a group that I haven't really developed yet, but that is a favorite of an MC I'm in love with. So forgive me, Arianna, if the lyrics end up changing, but you're the inspiration and the reason I've decided to post this song. Take care, Love. And ahem! You're always worth it.

If I Fall -GIP characters 
If I fall in love
Just promise me you'll stay here by my side
Until the morning rises from the sea.
And if you promise me
Your heart I'll give you my heart in return
One day I'm going to learn how to forgive
And forget
Everything
I ever thought,
thought of this
somewhat vague
sentiment
that could break me clean in two.
Don't want to beg
but please let
me go--- if you really don't want to... if you really aren't going to

Stretch out your arms
So you can break my fall.
Don't let me jump
If you aren't going to ca-atch me, ca-atch me, after all.

So if I give my heart
And you're not there at the bottom of the ocean
Conveying the emotion you made me catch,
catch like disease.
Then you oughta be ashamed
For driving me insane and up a wall
Without a rope
or a net. Or something whole.
I never hoped
that we'd get
torn apart, by Lord knows what.
Let's just forget
That we had
This talk--- if you really don't want to... if you really aren't going to

Stretch out your arms
So you can break my fall.
Don't want to jump
If you aren't going to ca-atch me, ca-atch me, after all.
Don't let me fall.
Don't let me fall.
Unless you'll ca-atch me, ca-atch me, heart and all.

Please also see yesterday's post for a song that I dedicated to another girl. Because that message goes for you, too. ALL OF YOU! Let me know, do you like these songs? Do you not like them? Do you feel like you can relate to them?

Lots of love,
Deserae M.

P.S. The song above is one of Aria's faves. And I really like it, too, so enjoy!

Saturday Snapshot #4: For Talia

I write songs for my books, as you guys know, and there's one in particular that I started but never finished--- liked, but never quite got  there with. Well, I thought I'd post the half-bitten lyrics for a girl named Talia who's got heart, spunk, and wisdom for days, but might need a little something every once and again to make her smile. Hope this does the job, Love.

"Trust Me" -KISSE
I know you look at me and all you see's
A broken-hearted lovesick personality,
But all you've done is glimpsed at the surface
Trust me I'm working on
Becoming me and loving you
You seem to be alright now, Love, and I'll be too,
But all I know's that hearts are imperfect---
Trust me, I'm learning,
That when things start to fall apart, we've still gotta hold together.
I'll recollect all my broken parts and save them for later.

We stare out onto the lake, throw a pebble in and watch it sink
And I know what you're thinking: Just keep on breathing
'Cause, Love, we're not through yet;
Our world is dark, now, but there's light up ahead and
Trust me we'll make it, buh-lieve me, we'll make it through.

---- This is where I've always stopped, but here's the second verse even though I need to change it---

I know that soon there's gonna be a day
When cynical delusions keep flooding my brain,
Just hold my hand and say that you'll lead me,
I don't mind being
The one who keeps asking for help
This is the only way I know to save myself,
So promise me you'll be right beside me,
Trust me I'm trying...
And when things start to fall apart,
You know I'll get it together,
Brush it off, stand up, and restart
Because I know things get better

We stare out onto the lake, throw a pebble in and watch it sink
And I know what you're thinking: Just keep on breathing.
'Cause, Love, we're not through yet,
Our world is dark, now, but there's light up ahead and
Trust me we'll make it, buh-lieve me, we'll make it through.

Love,
Deserae
P.S. The song above is a favorite of Ms. T's. Definitely give it a listen and her blog a look-see.