OH HAI!

This post will probably be deleted soon. Or maybe I'll just change the video to something more attractive when I'm not tired and looking for something to do besides homework.

Love you guys mucho,
Deserae
P.S. Didn't forget the song! Here it is!

Commenting on Comments

Arianna- Thank you for commenting! I know what you're saying, but I think what I'm looking for this time around is just that extra-strength support. Not so much coaching, or critique partner eyes, but SUPPORT. Reminders that I can get words down on a paper. Inspirational quotes sent on Twitter. Encouraging lies about being the very best that no one ever was... There are quite a few of you guys who are doing NaNo and who've vowed to help me so you can all tag team! Yay! I'm trying not to look at the habits and bad experiences I've had in the past and am looking more toward focusing on getting through it this time. So positiveness, I think, is what'll really help and I don't want to put all that "pressure" on just you! I've got people! (I think!)

Prerna- You're an angel! Thank you! I think it really boils down to knowing what I can and cannot do. 25,000 words is cake (KNOCK ON WOOD). So if I do the two projects with these smaller goals, I'm more likely to finish. And maybe next year I can devote the whole 50K to one project! We'll see! I get SO distracted by the internet it's ridiculous. But I do know how lucky I am to have people cheering for me so thank you for that! THAT in itself is amazing and I promise to repay you in some way (let's pull a Rumple and say I owe you a favor. :])

Nicole- I've missed you, too! Your posts have been coming into my email so I've been keeping up from afar. But nothing's the same as this, you know? Actually talking with you? I've missed it so much BUT am glad you're doing so well! It makes me happy. Happier than Yogi Bear with a pic-ah-nic basket. I, too, am excited to see what I'll bring forth in November. 'Tis a mystery to me, but it's all planned out at least. Just needs to be WRITTEN. You're right about my life not being nearly as bad as I make it out to be, but seriously. School is not my thing. I'm here because I have to be. I love learning, but school? BLEH! Thanks for your warm wishes and luck. I will gladly accept all the luck you can throw my way so wrestle a unicorn if you can!!! You REALLY need to tell me more about this boy, Missy. The only boy news I have has to do with these guys, and... welp... We both know that that's not nearly as exciting as real life. :) Talk to me soon, yeah?

I Have Returned

I know! Crazy, right?

You guys must be wondering what kind of spank-tacular adventures I go on while I'm away. You guys must also know that I am both boring AND afraid of change. Mostly what I do whilst I'm away is eat, sleep, read, pretend to write, pretend to read some more, eat, sleep, attend a class or two, repeat. Now that I'm working, I guess I fit that in somewhere, too. But yeah, that's about it. BUT I HAS RETURNED. Missed me? I missed you too. 

Usually when I come back to the internet it's for a reason. This time i's NaNoWriMo! Yay! I fail at WriMos, guys. I do my best not to get distracted by the millions of ideas floating around in my head, but it doesn't work. Or at least it hasn't worked YET. 

I'm a lazy lima bean. Always have been, but no longer CAN be. Like, this job, Guys, DEMANDS I make good grades, DEMANDS I'm on time with deadlines, and threatens to throttle me if I don't follow through. Basically, I'm on the verge of being thuh-rottled. 

I know myself. When I start feeling pressure, I withdraw. Stop caring. Shut down. Move on. But I'm doing NaNo this year to PROVE to myself that even I can change. That my bad habits don't define me. That when the pressure's on, I CAN handle it, despite what I've believed of myself in the past. 

I'm doing NaNo--- but on my terms. I've been thinking about it and there are two elements I want to complete. The goal for NaNo is to complete a first draft of a novel by the end of November OR 50,000 words of said novel. I have a novel I'd really like to work on for NaNo. We're calling it MV. But I know that realistically, I'm going to get halfway through and realize  OHEMGEE! It's NOT PERFECT! And then I will cry all of the tears obsessing over its imperfection and in doing so, I'll be procrastinating and NOT finishing the draft.

So my goal for NaNo is this: 

-Finish 25,000 words of MV

-Complete a 25,000 word online series for you guys on my unused blog, Sommertales. 

You know why that blog's been unused? It was supposed to be the host for my first ever webseries (NOPE! Not even YouTube Rules! which I'm sorry--- we'll have to talk about that one another day). But I'm going to use it this November and turn that unfilmed webseries into a multi-part novella for you guys to read. Yay! 

Since you guys are brilliant, you'll know that 25,000 plus 25,000 equals 50,000. That's 50,000 unperfected words. 50,000 excuses I'll try to make for not completing NaNo. But 25,000 of those are FOR YOU. The reason I'm doing this is because I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU TO CHEER ME ON.

Every day.
For all of November.
I need you to tell me, "You can do it, Deserae. You can finish something. And one day, it CAN look amazing. But that day doesn't have to be this one. It can be tomorrow, or even the day after that. But all you have to do is FINISH. Please, don't give up." REMIND ME I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU. 

Because if I'm not just doing this for me, I have more of a reason to go all the way, you know? If I convince myself that someone out there in the world NEEDS THESE WORDS, then good golly, I have to get those words to them! Somedays, you guys will get the bulk of my word quota for the day. Others, MV will get the bulk. But every day of November, I'll blog on Almost (Not Quite) There to give you guys an honest update on where I am and where the words are going. Do you think we can do it? Together, I mean?

Keep me sane, Guys,
Deserae
P.S. Thank you all for your love on the last post! I'm weird sometimes. Thank you for getting that. :)

Life is But a Dream...

I wasn't going to post today, but I wrote a song the other day for a book I'm writing. Of course.

The idea behind it came from one of my infamous mid-night thinking sessions. Sometimes, I'll wake up at three o'clock in the morning with a thought that just won't go away until I battle it out of my head. The other night, I was thinking about memory and--- well, to avoid going into the ENTIRE philosophical debate I'd had with myself I'll skip a bit--- I came to the conclusion that the person I call ME is only ME because of my  thoughts and my memories.

We can definitely talk more about this in depth if you were curious how (or why) I just decided that randomly in the middle of the night, but the point, I guess, is that the revelation that I was merely memory made me think about that old nursery rhyme "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." If you don't remember it, here's the gist of it:

Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream...

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

Life is but a dream.

This sparked a whole other discussion with myself that started with me freaking out about existence, my place in the world, et cetera, et cetera, but ended with me thanking the Lord God Almighty that life isn't nearly as serious as we paint it to be. Believe me. I understand the importance of LIVING life. Why not? You only die once, after all. But if I'm just a memory, then that F I got in high school is just a memory and I can move past it. If yesterday was a whole twenty four hours but I literally only retained about five foggy facts, then nothing that happens today can actually touch me when tomorrow comes, can it? Not if I don't let it. Not if I can leave it in the past and walk away.

I know there are things we have to face, have to deal with. I'm not saying we shouldn't deal. I'm saying we shouldn't dwell.

Here are the lyrics to the song inspired by this crazy night of existential thinking. Perhaps one day, I'll work up the nerve to sing it for you.

"Life is but a Dream" by an opticALlusion
Row, row your boat gently down the stream
It's a good thing we all know that life is but a dream
Although it's fun while it lasts it was
fun while it lasted, yeah.
So, so it goes we are tethered by these strings
Made from torn up pantyhose and some broken bits of things
But somehow we all manage we've
all seemed to manage, yeah.

And I plead with you--- don't you see the truth?
Who knew the sun was a lie?
Guess we always did. Chose not to notice it.

Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh oh... Yeah life is grand
Even when you're stuck in the middle.
Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh oh... It's all pretend
But we'll just dance up until the end---
Right up to the end.

Tap, tap your toes to the great cacophony
Of our long forgotten hopes and our dried up misery
Because we know it don't matter, no,
none of it matters, yeah.
Ha ha we're going so fast we cannot see
The blurry visions of our pasts, of the whos we used to be
Like a mirror they shatter, our
reflections have shattered, yeah.

Did we live at all, if the bluff's been called?
If we don't wake, at least we dreamed.
I can see the end; let the fun begin.

Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh oh... Yeah life is grand
Even when you're stuck in the middle.
Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh oh... It's all pretend
But we'll just dance up until the end---
Right up to the end.

Take care, Lovelies! Have a wonderful week,
Deserae
P.S. I love the song here. It's "The Man Who Isn't There" by Oren Lavie. If you love it, love it lots. If you don't love it, what is wrong with you?
P.P.S. I forgot! One more thing! If you like short story contests where each and every entry is judged and looked at, get a Figment account (or sign into your old one) and try your hand at their Defy the Dark contest. Entries are due September 1st, but that's so doable, and anyone can enter!

Commenting on Comments

Arianna- Haha! I am the Queen of Linkage. Do you think they will raise a monument to honor my linktitude?

Maya- Girl, get your YouTube account ah-sap! So many awesome things to get into. So much to see. So much to share with thee!!!

Robin- Aww, thank you for coming to see me! I loved your comments on the posts as well. Were you entered? Which story was yours? Personally, I'm not too thrilled about the thriller either! But that's just 'cause I'm a big ole scaredy cat. ISLA and this mysterious fifth Perkins novels are the projects I'm most looking forward to by her. I, too, enjoyed ANNA best, but is it horrible that I wasn't the biggest fan of Anna and Etienne? Don't get me wrong, I love the story as a whole. But whenever I think about THEM, about their relationship, about the process of them getting together... I don't know. I could never fully love them like everyone else did. Again, thanks for stopping by! I look forward to getting to know you via the glorious interwebs.

Saturday Sights

I really miss doing these on My Ticket Elsewhere. I really miss Elsewhere and Home in general, but without my laptop, ALL OF THE THINGS have been lacking. Ag.

But today, I bring you news from the interwebs! I always find a way to stay connected, even when I can't directly be involved (I'm such le old lady neighbor). Drum roll, please?

FIRST, on ze YouChoobs, British web sensation Charlie McDonnell has... a girlfriend. Yes, she is lovely. Yes, I love her. Yes, a part of me hopes an' me dreams 'as died. Yes, yes... I'll be fine. Here is a video of her being cute and sweet and what not as she responds to Charlie's announcement. Linked above is a video of his announcement and the such. And you want to hear her sing? She's good at it. The only reason I consider this news is because I've been following Charlie and Bryarly's channels for... years. YEARS, I SAY! And they've secretly been dating for the past one. So yes, people. This is news. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh....

NEXT for all of you ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS fans, author Stephanie Perkins has announced what her fourth and fifth books will be about. One will be a horror reminiscent of the "Scream" movie franchise; the other will be another contemporary, reminiscent of the ANNA Companion Series. GET EXCITED.

ALSO, for those of you who don't know about my favorite almost-not-quite-published authors, you MUST check out Claire Legrand and Natalie Whipple ah-sap. Claire literally has a butt-load of projects I am beyond excited for. The first of which, THE CAVENDISH HOME FOR BOYS AND GIRLS comes out in less than three weeks! EEP!!! Besides that, she is made of awesome. Unicorn-loving awesome. I adore her. With Natalie, though, I have a different kind of respect. I've been following her progress for the past two (and a half) years. I knew her when she went through a change in agents... when she got her first book deal for the 2013 release of TRANSPARENT... And I continue to follow her, to respect her for her kindness. For her words. For her wisdom and her advice. Every time she posts something, it inspires me. It helps me. So I'm sharing her with you. Her latest bit of writerly goodness has inspired me to stop doubting myself and to go for the gusto; maybe it'll help you, too.

LAST, but not least, Auror's Tale. Have you heard about it? Going to watch it? You should. Here is why.

Alright, All. Take care, and have all the warm wishes from all of the warm places.

Lots of love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Sonal- Haha! Thank you, Dear. I try. :P

Nicole- I love that you love Young the Giant! But bleg! Sorry orientation was a bit boringish. School is creeping up on you, Lassie... Use your super-awesome-ninja-tactics to make sure it doesn't follow Orientation's lead. 

When You Don't Feel Like Writing...

... Do it anyway.

That is all.

Stay on it, Writers,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Arianna- Haha! I have music on the brain. What can I say?! I still like my zombie "Some Body That I Used to Know" rendition. Goyte would adore me, I think. 

Ms. Elle Fredericks- I love you more than you could ever know. Thank you for the lovely comment and for being there for me on my bright days AND the ones in between. :) 

Nicole- I'm so glad the post sat well with you and that you loved the song! Oh, my heart swells with joy when those words are uttered. :] Hey, Girl. Kick orientation's butt! You're going to have a great year if you remember to stay as beautiful as you are right now, but grow from anything Life throws at you to try to persuade you otherwise. You've got this! 

Bright Day Coming

My little sister reminded me of this song--- the one I'll leave for you at the end. Though it's not Christian or religious or anything, it expresses all of the sentiments of my personal philosophy: "...there's a bright day coming."

I don't know where that mentality comes from. From my ancestors? From the old spirituals that were sung to maintain hope? I don't know. I was never into all that "let my people go" stuff... But I do have to wonder why I have this thing instilled in me. Why, no matter what, I DO believe that things can only get better from here.

Prerna said something that I agree with. We gain strength from every situation, every block, every obstacle we overcome. "You'll be stronger because of the things you survive," she said. Tell me why I want to bust out into a ballad of Destiny Child's "I'm a Suh-vi-vah!"

Just a little reminder to all of you who feel down, or are angsting, or just need it... There IS a bright day coming. Be there, okay? Let's make a date.

I, Deserae McGlothen, want to see you on your bright day.  I want to give you virtual (or actual) hugs and cookies. And I hope you'll be there for me on mine.

We'll talk words soon. I have plenty to tell you guys about the bookish world and what I'm up to.

Lots of love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Prerna- Thank you and AGH! I TOTALLY AGREE!!! The whole ending of Felicity was like... Well, I wanted to pull my hair out. I get that the writers wanted us to see she'd have picked that boy either way, but NOEL!!!! NO-O-OEL!!!!! My heart ached for him. He so deserved better. I do hope to make him proud. :)

Maya- Yes, the tag was loads of fun. Thanks for including me! And thanks for trusting me with your story. You know, it's true. I've had to learn the hard way that I need people. It's hard to need, you know? More and more, I'm realizing people don't want my advice. They don't need my advice. They just want/need me. But I don't know how to be me without my words. Without my mind. Without my thoughts and opinions. I have to learn, though. I'm trying to readjust. There is always room and time to improve upon oneself. And I will. I'll improve if I have to. I'll stay beautiful if you will. Thanks for your love, I appreciate (and need) every ounce of it!

Nicole- Haha! Thanks, Hon! I'm going to try my best to enjoy being Noel. I hold grudges, too! That's something I've been working on, myself! I think I'm at a point where all of the grudges I used to hold are gone, and I'm allowing myself to start over with a lot of people... What I've decided is to forgive. To forget the wrong as a reflection of the person. But never to forget the wrong or what made it wrong. That way I can  move on with my life, but be more prepared for when Life tries to challenge me the same way again. So I guess I don't hold grudges anymore... I hold myself responsible for doing better next time. And in this way, what you said makes perfect sense. It IS hard to know what to do in the moment, so when past experiences aren't enough to lead me, I decide to ask. To voice my concerns. To see if the truth really can set you free. So far so good, you know? So far so good. My friend and I are learning to understand each other better. That's all I could ask for. It's only going to make us stronger in the end. :) I accept all of your love and am sending you some as well! Take care, Hon!

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

What I love about you guys is that I don't have to hide anything about myself from you all. I can speak about my religion. About my thoughts. About my feelings. About anything. And you all indulge me. You're all kind and thoughtful and respectful and what's better still is that you all seem to hear me beyond the political/personal things we may or may not agree upon.

In short, I adore you all.

Today, I want to talk. To get out some thoughts and some anger and some sadness. I just want to vent. After all, that's what blogging is for is it not? Okay. It's not. I know and respect that. But today, I want to break my shell just a little bit. Crack myself open just a little bit. Let you guys in. After all, you've earned my trust, so why not?

The truth is people count on me. I don't know why or when or how this has come to be, but it just IS. I've come to accept and embrace this. In fact, I'm going to be a Resident Adviser at my university next year. I'm overseeing TWO buildings full of freshmen and I'm excited. I get to be Noel, you guys. I GET TO BE NOEL.

But what I find funny is that, in a lot of ways, I've always been Noel. I've always been that person who people could talk to, who was only focused on one thing, who had trouble adapting to change... Though Noel has way more relationship drama than I ever hope to have, myself, he's a committed kinda guy. Once you're in his circle, you're in it for life if you want to be.

However, if you don't want to be--- if for whatever reason you keep hurting me, if you keep pushing me away--- then I, like Noel, will let you go. Ties can be broken pleasantly (Noel and Hannah) or they can be severed, seemingly irrevocably (Noel and Felicity once or twice). Still, after the fire has gone out and the dust has settled, I don't forget you. I hold you in my heart for ever. Every wrong, every right, everything, it's still there. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just... It's just that I don't want to forget the people who made my life something. You know what I mean?

I've used this example countless times, but when I was in high school I participated in our Stage Crew. And it was great. I made so many wonderful memories with a group of friends I thought I'd have forever. But today, I don't talk to any of them. Our director kinda kicked me out of the class and none of them reached out to me. Not even the ones I thought would be there. Not even though I "really" needed them.

For a long time, I was angry. At myself, though, for trusting them. But then the fire died and the dust settled. In my mind's eye, I can only see the good from my experience there even though I know the bad.

And guys, I'm angry again. At myself for letting a person I know and care about guilt me into thinking I've caused their pain. In my stomach is a fire roaring, "I'm NOT to blame. I can not force you to talk to me. I will NOT keep asking questions you refuse to answer. How is your pain my fault if you refuse to be happy? I  want to be happy!"

And it feels like the dust will never settle. It feels like it's always going to be one thing or something else. I feel  like there's just a negative spirit or air oppressing my friend and instead of attacking that, this person is attacking me. They know how to push my buttons. Guilt is usually their weapon of choice. And though I love this person and want to show God's love to this person, it feels like no matter what I do--- or say or don't do or don't say--- it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong because, for whatever reason, they don't want things to be right.

I'm sad today because... this is the only way I know how to get through to people. With words. With truth. With little reminders like "You're not the only one hurting." Like, "When you hurt, we all hurt. Every one who loves you." I'm sad because the truth is, though I want to be there, though I want to help, I don't know how to be except through "good morning"s and "how are you"s and hoping to get an honest answer.

I'm sad because I have a feeling that this, once read, will not be received. It will be used against me like all of the words before these. That's the trouble with text, I think. It's easy to skim over without seeing the message underneath. I'm a straightforward person. If I think you're mad, I'll ask you. If I'm upset, I'll tell you. So what I'm hoping this post will do for my friend is show them how I feel. What I think. Give them a chance to do the same to me. Because I'm literally DONE with guessing. And being blamed. And getting hurt.

An aside to this friend of mine:
What I want, now, is to help you with YOUR hurt. With your pain. With whatever it is that you're going through. I want to help in whatever way I can. If you need someone to talk to. If you don't want me to actually speak my mind, but just be on the other end. If you're tired of hearing the truth and need someone to lie to you. If you're ready to be honest with yourself but need someone to bear witness to the occasion...

I DO NOT MIND BEING THAT PERSON.
I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
BUT I CANNOT BE THAT PERSON--- IF YOU WILL NOT LET ME.

That's all I've been trying to say for the past who knows how long. I don't know what to do because I'm not getting much to go off, here. You're not bothering me. You're not a burden. You're just hurting. And really, that's okay.

What happens often is you take a stab at me and DUH. IT HURTS. I'll bounce back a million times, but know this--- I, like you, can only take so much. Correction: I will only take so much. And now you know that. So tell me what you're thinking IF you really want me to know! If not, that's okay. Just don't hold that against me--- don't blame me for not understanding. I assure you, I'm not the problem. And if I am, you know what I'd advise you to do: address the problem, then let it go.

Even though it'd hurt me like mad to know I'm the source of your pain, I'd rather know you were doing alright without me than to have both of us suffering for no good reason. We will live on without one another if that's what we have to do to be at peace. But if you need me right now, I'm here. I always have been and I pretty much will be until you say otherwise.

And back to you guys:
There is only one reason I'm addressing you guys at all. I want you guys to realize that we're all the person SOMEBODY needs. Do you have a friend? A sibling? A parent? A classmate? An anyone who sees you on the regular? An anyone at all? Whether you realize it or not, you are needed and you are loved. Please, you guys... Don't refuse to see your worth, your contribution to the world as a member of it.

You see, Uncle Ben once told his nephew, Spidey, that "...with great power comes great responsibility." You have no idea the power your smile, your "hello," your presence has on the people who are blessed to know you. It's your responsibility to be there whenever and in whatever way you can. But even God's Word tells us not to remain in bad counsel. What He means is, if being needed means putting a strain on you that you can't bear, you've got to let go.

I have been emotionally troubled this past year. A lot of stuff has happened, stuff I haven't told you guys for fear of reopening wounds that haven't exactly healed. Little things. Big ones. All kinds of ones I've only talked about with special people because of their ability to hear me... to understand... I realize now that I can't be everything to everyone, and that's okay. I want us all to find peace.

Tell me what's so wrong about that. Tell me what I can do to realize it, and I will.

-Deserae
P.S. I responded to a tag yesterday. That was fun and I promise to be happier next time when the world isn't against me. It likes to side with me from time to time so I have faith...
P.P.S. Yes, I have a feeling that once I post this a wave of anxiety will wash over me regarding the response. No, I will not take it down. I think it's good to be honest--- with others. With yourself.

Commenting on Comments

A.K.A. Thanks for making me smile

Emily- You created the award? Well you are a lovely person as well. Thank you for inadvertently getting me tagged. I have it on good authority that a lot of people were made happy by our surprise from Maya. :)

Sonal- You're watching Once Upon a Time?! Oh bless you! I adore that show. It's coming back for us in September. Do you know when it'll be on in Billy Shakespeare Land? 

Nicole- I believe those are essential colors for one's wardrobe. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. Lol! Keep up your mischievous ways. Let those neighbors of yours have it, Girly! :]