Ticking Clocks

The older I get, the faster time seems to move. Birthdays come and go; new years rise and fall; seasons flourish and pass.

Yet I seem to be unchanged, no matter what happens in between.

This is an ever-present lie I tell myself because I'd like to believe I'm an adversary to change, rather than a low-key believer. But as I look around my dirty, but distant apartment-- farther from anything comfortable or familiar than I've ever been in life-- I am feeling time rushing not away from but toward me. February hit me like a hurricane. And I already feel March creeping (no, sprinting) on up.

Today is Feb. 6, I return to work on the 11th. I'm taking a Korean language class starting on the 27th. Most likely, I'll be meeting up with a friend sometime in between.

And though I'm excited and looking forward to each day, I feel time lurching forward. It's hard not to wonder, "How do I enjoy today--- this moment?" I keep rushing ahead and at this rate it will be August. It feels like I have to decide now, aqui, ahora, what I'll be doing with my whole life. It's like college apps all over again, only there isn't a two year buffer zone where I can up and change majors, change my mind.

Time is moving.

So am I.

I think I'm just nervous because in about three days, I'll be meeting Angel Friend's parents. And Angel Friend's parents do not English. So I have to use Korean.

And I WANT to take the conversation level class, but am I ready? I need time, much more time. I need to study. So why am I doing this instead?

I'm freaking out because time is running up to me. It's running and it's waving like, "Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!" And part of me wants to say hi back, but it's kinda awkward because the other part wants to run the other way. I know time is bound to eventually catch up with me. Can I be brave now and fake confidence? Or is it too late to break out the running shoes and run away?

Life, stop being difficult,
Deserae

A New, New Year

Now that I'm in a new place, there are new traditions and customs that I have to learn. As an American, I can really appreciate a good holiday. But being in Korea, I get to celebrate the new year twice. There's nothing better than having time to reflect. And plan. And be grateful. And say thanks. And be with people who care about you. And to tell people how much you care about them.

I've been lucky this year. My sisters came all the way across the world to celebrate Christmas with me and make plans for life after January 1st. But 설날 (Lunar New Year) is just around the bend and I get to bring in the new year all over again. I've been thinking about what I should do, who I should share it with.

It's not every day you get to enjoy fresh starts and firsts.

It's not every day you get to enjoy life at all.

So when my friend Eunji invited me to visit her hometown for the holiday, I jumped at the opportunity. Next weekend is 설날. I wasn't excited before, but now, I can't wait!

I want to take about a millisecond to be grateful for the chances, the people, and the moments God continues granting me.

I'm thankful for my friends and family.

I'm thankful Netflix has come to Korea.

I'm thankful for the jobs I have and the jobs that are now possible because of them.

I'm thankful for the encounters and experiences I've had in Korea so far.

I'm thankful for words and the always present problem of never having enough to express just how blessed I am and have been.

On 설날, I'll take the time to reflect again. But I'm happy to say I'm already moving forward.

Always have been.

Nearly there, nearly there,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments: 

Laila: You are another person I'm truly grateful for. Thanks for all of your love. 

Little High, Little Low

Since I last wrote, some exciting things have happened for me in terms of my writing related goals. I joined a team of wonderful and talented writers that are working on a Korean fashion webzine, and the first article that I helped out with (edits, yays!) just went live this morning. And even my fiction writing is coming along. WELCOME TO OCTOBER has been featured on Storybird's "New and Noted" page after only a month of me working on it.

But I've been feeling less than satisfied these days. Content in some areas, but completely unmotivated in others.

I don't know why I'm like this: it feels like I have a million things I want to do but can only do one thing wholeheartedly. And then after that's done, I just don't know what to do. As if that first to-do list never existed--- as if those desires are less for some reason. Either because of timing or the fear of not finishing--- whatever.

I read Lisi Harrison's blah-g post today about intent and... I didn't say this there, but I really think "intent" is my problem. I WANT to do all of these things and I INTEND to get them all done and have plans for world (and to-do list) domination. But there is something wrong with me somewhere inside. I rarely continue on to DO anything I intended to do.

So I find myself here, you know. Typing blog posts instead of stories. Typing stories instead of articles. Writing articles instead of learning Korean. Learning Korean instead of writing anything. And somewhere in the cycle feeling lost, confused, exhausted, frustrated, sorry, and sometimes all of the above at once.

Sometimes I really think I'm doing something. Like I'm really getting closer to completing one of my goals or like I'm really gaining skills in whatever.

But sometimes I wake up and sit down at my computer or with my textbooks and just feel like I'm wasting time. Like I really need to reevaluate what I'm doing--- ask myself, "Desi, what are you doing???"

Maybe I just feel this way as I restlessly wait to depart for Korea. Once I get there, I KNOW I'm going to have a different focus. I'll have to teach-- learn how to teach-- and maybe that's why as I sit here, I'm just like, "I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING!!!" Or something else.

But not knowing WHY I get these crazies... not knowing HOW to deal with them... it drives me nuts. Like Lisi, I am not one to wallow. I am not one to feel sorry for myself. I like to figure out what's wrong so I can fix it. But I can't FIX this part of me, apparently. I mean, I've tried.

On days like this, instead of looking forward, I do take a moment to look back. I look back to see what I HAVE accomplished. I wrote 500 words with this blog post. I promoted my Mutzine lovelies on social media. The article's getting a little attention. My story has been featured on a site I just found out about two seconds ago. I fed myself today and am fortunate enough to be able to say I'm about to hop in the shower.

All good.

There is nothing wrong with what I'm doing in hindsight, but in the moment, it feels like I'm doing life all wrong. So I thought I'd take myself out of the moment for a while with this bit of randomness. It helps just to talk a bit. It's nice to reflect. And maybe now that I have, I can start feeling excitement for one of the things on my to-do list.

Apples and chocolates,
Deserae

Some Things Never Change

I realized something today. I have pretty much been the same person from the day I was born to the millisecond in time I spend finding the words to mean "right now."

I will still look at you funny if I don't know you.

I will still make a fuss if I'm hungry, but be totally silent if upset.

I still love stories and the people who tell them.

I still want to travel, learn languages, hit the lottery (and my backup plan is still to become an even more professional bum).

I'm still writing. I write stuff. But there's a pattern, you know, to what happens when I decide to be brave and share.

When I start sharing my words, I write more and more. I write chapter after chapter, notes upon notes, and I even want to blog.

I've been writing and sharing some stories. If you're interested in those stories, join me over at Storybird where I'm sharing something old that I keep going back to and something new, but bittersweet. Although I can't exactly say I'm "back from the dead," I am writing again. So you might hear from me more often than you have in the past year. That's for sure. Exciting things are happening for me. I'm moving to another country for a year, learning languages, and old enough to play the lotto. Plan A might be working out for me after all.

Plan B don't sound too bad, though, to be honest.

Soez.

Just keep swimming,
Deserae

Thoughts from the Grave

I've been staring at a blank Word document for ten minutes. The words for this story aren't even in my head, nevermind on the page. I know this story better than anything else--- know what I want it to do for me. And yet (and yet) the writing is hard.

I haven't written actual words in forever. I've written things in Korean (안녕하세요!) and in text messages, but not for rizzle WORDS. 

You know what I mean, I think. The kind that knit worlds. That start revolutions and raise the dead. That build castles and save the day. 

3,000 words. Over the past seven days, I've attempted to spin 3,000 of these words. And it's a start--- I have started--- but it's hard. It's. Hard. 

It's hard to jump back into writing when you've been neglecting the craft. It's hard to jumpstart something that's sat and festered and idled forever and a day. 

It's hard. But nothing is impossible. So I'm writing, or at least trying to. Although I'm not sure when MV will be a THING, I know I'm going to get it there. You guys helped me through PW. Here we go again. 

Fighting!

Deserae

Why I Have ALL OF THE FEELS for THE ARCHIVED

Hello, Everyone,

I started blogging again. I know. It's, like, a miracle. I just finished reading Victoria Schwab's THE ARCHIVED and was suddenly inspired to start talking about books again. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

A friend of mine knows me and how much I love talking. She said to me recently, "Do you blog about all this STUFF you talk to me about?" By STUFF she meant literary jargon. I answered honestly with a, "not anymore." She asked me why. "Why don't you? You're good at it." I told her I didn't know, but that was a lie. Every time I say that, I'm lying through my freaking teeth.

I do know why I don't talk about this STUFF anymore. Why I don't talk about much of anything anymore. Why I've gone silent. Since I've come to college it's become ever so clear that when I speak, when I try to talk about things, other people aren't understanding what it is I'm saying. Not literally and not with the passion or the intrigue with which I understand them.

I've met a lot of smart people here--- brilliant people--- who want to talk politics. Talk social justice issues. Talk math, science, computers, art. Talk about recycling and how jank it is that California hasn't legalized gay marriage or marijuana. And I don't hear them either. It's not that I don't care about these people--- these brilliant people--- or the things they care about, or anything other than books, books, BOOKS! But I don't have the same passion for those issues. I used to be afraid to admit that. A big part of me still is. I'm afraid that I'm not intelligent enough to speak my mind. That it doesn't count, doesn't matter, that I read a book and really, really, really think you should read it, too. 

I have ALL OF THE FEELS for Victoria Schwab's THE ARCHIVED right now because I love Victoria Schwab. My official review will go up tomorrow on Elsewhere but here is the unofficial reason--- the truth--- of why I can't stop recommending this book enough.

This book taught me it's okay to feel. To need. To want. To have something to say AND SAY IT. Taught me that the past is past and present's present. That it's so easy to forget, that we're only made up of what we remember. That I should start making memories. Archiving myself. Making my own History. It made me tingle with anticipation for the future. Made me want to talk my freaking head off.

I am intelligent. I have a mind and things on it. And a big reason I love this novel is because I love the author. She always knows what to say AND how to say it.

My Lit Professor would kill me for admitting this because this is EXACTLY the sort of thing Wimsatt and Beardsley would have raged about--- this is EXACTLY what they knew I'd say and it's WHY we should read novels as if the author weren't a factor--- as if he didn't exist.

But here it is:

I loved THE ARCHIVED EVEN MORE because I love Victoria Schwab. Love what she's about. Love her mind. Love her thoughts. Love how she processes the world. Love that it reflects my own thoughts, my own process, but translates into beautiful, creative people and places, translates into The Narrows and The Archived and into Owen, Lindsey, Mackenzie. I've read reviews that say Schwab's writing is slow, but I've learned it's deliberate. I've learned to be patient, to wait, to get over my need for kissing and answers and to-the-point convos and noise and I've learned to appreciate her silence.

Because what Schwab doesn't say is just as important as what she does. And what she does say makes me FEEL when she finally says it. And the way she goes about saying it makes me feel ALL OF THE FEELS because I have to be patient. And I feel everything because I love, love, love this author for being a wonderful--- a beautiful--- person.

Let me just say one last thing: I cried when I read the Acknowledgements. I managed to hold on through all the pain, tension, darkness, action, STUFF that was this novel. But when I read those acknowledgements, y'all, I CRIED. Because I didn't care one bit what Wimsatt and Beardsley or freaking Derrida or my professor would have to say about the "ethics" of how I read this novel. I read those acknowledgements and saw the beauty of the author and realized that the two could never be separated--- not really. And if I loved one, there would be room for the other. So I squeezed. And now I can't recommend this novel enough.

Happy reading,
Deserae
P.S. See you tomorrow on Elsewhere.

Being Writer: On Writing as an Art Part II--- There's no App for That

If you read Part I of this little shebang, you'll remember me saying that I have a bad habit of trying to save the world, even though I've known that I can't actually do that. It's impossible.

After talking with Molly (it was a great convo. You should totes check it out. I cut out all the irrelevant bits. Now go read it!), I realize that saving the world isn't really my job. My job is to live. To learn. To teach others what I've learned. To do. To do some more. To live some more. And then, just like Finals, I'm DONE.

Guess what I learned this week? I learned that it's okay if you wake up and discover that you don't like the writing process. It's okay to not be a writer. It's okay. As Molly said, you've got to love the process to be a part of the field. But if you don't, that's okay. You can find a process you do love, and you can work your butt off until you're where you're destined to be.

Because writing is an art. It's a science, too, if we're working off of Molly's "art: creation:: science: discovery" analogy. Writing is about the creation of worlds. The discovery of truth. The combination of both, used to make connections with real live people and to express an appreciation for the genius that is mankind. God is SO good sometimes. Because I get all kinds  of excited when I think about how awesome He made us to be. We all have something genuinely special about us. Something we can excel at. Something we can work hard for. But it all comes back to creation and discovery. Man has a NEED to create and/or to discover. Think really hard about what you want to do in life. Tell me this isn't true.

And guys. Writing has BOTH of these! My toes are tapping as I type this because it makes me so happy that I've discovered why I love this field so much. I'm an artist. I'm an ARTIST. Because I love to create, but there's no WAY my mind could be at peace if I weren't learning and telling everyone about everything I learned as the knowledge came to me.

An artist isn't hindered by too many boundaries except for those set forth for them by the size of their canvas. As a writer, I have so many platforms. My canvas could be as small as a Hallmark card or as big as a blank Word document and all I have to do is fill it.

Mentally, I think artists suffer from copious amounts of self-doubt. What if I'm not good enough?... What if my work isn't good enough?... Artists share SO much of their minds--- of their souls--- with the world that it's hard for these doubts to keep at bay. In fact, I hear they never really go away. But the difference between a writer and an author isn't publication. It's perseverance  Writers are just as much of an artist as an author is--- we're just undiscovered yet.

And like all undiscovered artists, we should be working fervidly to hone our craft. To get better at the skills in which we know we could improve. We need to KEEP. GOING. Life doesn't end with rejection and neither does passion. Or skill. Or time.

The longer it takes you to realize you're an artist, the longer it's going to take for you to take your art seriously. You don't have to be the best writer to have a story to tell. But you will have to invest in your craft--- some artists use pens or paintbrushes; you might have to invest in freelance editors, find critique partners, take some classes, or conduct a bit of research. But don't think you don't need these tools (here's a post or two on the "tool" matter for further reading). You're an artist. Remember? Start acting like it. Do what all good artists do and practice. Embrace the journey. And remember that it's okay if you find out you don't love the process. Writing's a ride you got on all on your own; you really can unbuckle your seat belt and get off at any time.

Happy Writing,
Deserae
P.S. Arianna is no longer doing WanWc with us. :( BUT we need to welcome Laila! She's our new team member and I'm beyond glad to have you on board, Girly. :)
P.P.S. You can still become an Ninja!

Commenting on Comments

Prerna- Woot! I hope you found the most awesomest CPs to look after that manuscript of yours. I'm so rooting for you, Lovely!

Laila- Thanks for sending again, Love. And also, thank you! I take my song choices vair seriously. Lol! I think, originally, the email just went to my junk mail. Sorry, again, but I'm glad you're with us now. :)

Being Writer: On Writing as an Art Part I--- Thanks Molly

A long time ago, I said I was going to do a series called "Being Writer." In the first Being Writer post, I talked about the secret to writing a novel (SPOILERS: there isn't one). But I never did any more posts after that. Go figure, right? This is ME we're talking about.

Today, I was flipping through my archives and saw my Dear Writer post. I almost teared up reading it, just because of the relevance it held with what I was going through today and how it still rang true. I still have those same sentiments. I still want to save the frickin' world. But I've known for a long time that I can't. And last night I went to a friend's apartment for a "Finals are Over, Let's Celebrate!" get-together.


I think I had the most awesome conversation EVER before I left for the night.


I'll tell you why this post is split into two parts. First I have to tell you a story, and then I have to make a point. You see how much time that could take? Days, maybe, and that's if we're lucky. Instead, I'm going to talk to you about what Molly and I discussed here. If you're still interested in my actual point after that (or just wanna skip) go on over to Part II.

Molly is probably a genius. I say this because she was helping me let go of my fear of failing my friends without even knowing she was doing it.

We were talking about art. Molly's an artist. As we were hanging out in her room, I was looking around and saw a painting she'd done hanging on the wall, and without thinking, I'd said, "I wished I were better at art. My mom told me I could be, once, if I had just practiced. Like normal children."

The "like normal children" part was my own invention. Though my mom does think me strange, she'd never compare me to the other children... And Molly wouldn't either. She said, "Well, see, that's the thing I've learned. I often say that an artist has to be in love with the process of drawing or painting or whatever... Not exactly in love with whatever the finished product might be, but in love with every stroke, and every little line, and every second that goes into the process of creating a finished product." (Molly also likes to emphasize things. We are kindred spirits--- either that, or I'm just remembering our convo with lots of imagined italics.)

I told her I understood. "I'm a writer," I'd said, "not published or anything, but I love writing. Every word, every rejection, every painful and excruciating sentence--- I love it. The process of it I mean."

"There you go!" she exclaimed. I agreed with a loud clap and a laugh that almost woke up her sleeping roommate. And I was so excited about where this conversation was going that I went on to include an example about food. I love food, I'd told her, but I hate standing in a kitchen, over a stove, in front of raw ingredients that are nowhere near as delicious as the finished meal.

"So I don't cook," I finished.

"So you probably aren't going to be a chef," she agreed. "But that's okay! It really is! Because some people love the process of cooking. I hate to cook, but I love to bake. I like mixing and pouring and putting things into an oven... And the process you love might be baking,or drawing, or writing, but whatever it is, that's what makes us go one way or another... That's what really separates the ones who are destined for a field from those who might dabble or look on or even just appreciate it... It's all about the process that speaks to us."

My mind... BLOWN.

I've always known that I was strangely obsessed with the process of becoming a published author. Whenever anyone asks me, "Oh! So you're a writer! Are you going to be published?" I laugh at them and say, "Hopefully, one day! But what I really want to do is intern at an agency... I just want to work with books for the rest of my life, wherever that might be."

AND NOW I GET IT. Now, I know why I wave around my rejections like the American flag and enter contests up the wazoo and carry around "BrainBooks" with a pen slipped through the spiral AT ALL TIMES... I get it. I am a frickin' writer. But I'm not only a writer--- I'm a writer destined for the field of writing. I may never be an author but I love the process too much to quit the field. It's my passion. It's my place. It's my home, in a way. It's where I feel the most free and the most happy and the most secure if that makes any sense at all.

And because of this, I've found my own art. Writing. IS. An art.

We writers forget that sometimes. We forget that we're not just "writing novels"--- we're creating. And discovering. Molly went on to tell me she loved art and science. "'Cause if you really think about it," she'd said, "since the beginning of man there's always been this... compulsion to create. This need to discover."

She thinks that's what art and science are. Art is creation and science is discovery. But writing is both. Both creation and discovery.

Join me in Part II of this dialogue if you want to hear my final thoughts on this topic. No reservation required to come on over. :)

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams..."
-Henry David Thoreau

Love,
Deserae

Write A Novel With... The Pink Ninjas (OF DOOM)

Finals are over. Pitch Wars, through. And now there's the rest of December staring at me saying, "Whatcha gonna do about it?" 

I'm gonna write a novel. Duh.

In case you didn't see my last post, Arianna and I are participating in WanWc (Write a Novel with Cupid) as a team of our own--- The Pink Ninjas (OF DOOM). I bet she hates that I put that last bit in parentheses. I CAN'T HELP THAT I LIKE UNICORNS, MMKAY?!

But a few of you wanted to do Pitch Wars with us! And this post is just for you!!! I'm so excited and glad that you guys emailed me expressing interest. You know what this means, don't you? It means that you're not only going to write a novel--- but you're gonna finish it. Cool, right? 

Some people are confused on what WanWc is. To be honest, there are no definite "rules" per say, but there is a goal. The goal is to write a novel, edit it, and get it ready to submit by the end of the year. How are we going to do all of this? Well, I've decided to break this up into "deadlines." And I've also decided to change the rules up a little bit so that anyone who wanted to join still can. 

The First Deadline is January 31st. 

Our mission? To have a first draft of our novel DONE by 11:59 PST of that day.  

How are we going to accomplish this? Easy. I have three steps to success that I'm hoping will give us more structure as we tackle this thing. 

1. Make a plan and submit it to me (desimcg@hotmail.com). 

The plan doesn't have to be like NaNo where you decide you're going to write 1,000 words a day--- but it can be. What you want to do is give yourself a writing goal you know you can manage. It can be daily or weekly, but it has to be something you're definitely going to stick to. I'm going to assign you a Sensei and that person is going to check in with you EVERY SUNDAY to make sure you're sort of on track.

Examples of "writing plans" include but aren't limited to:

-a thorough outline of your novel that's divided into "chunks" you're going to tackle every week.

-a simple summary of what you want to do and more general plot points you're hoping to hit at the end of every week

-a NaNo-like goal of so many words per day.

-a chapter a day until finished.

I'm setting a deadline for this so you're motivated to actually do it. (I will bug you. I can bug!) 

Deadline 1.1:  Monday, December 17th.

2. Stick to your plan and be a good Sensei by motivating your ninja!

You're twenty bazillion times more likely to finish something you've started if you have a plan. So theoretically, at this point, you have a plan. Stick to it! 

What also helps sometimes is encouraging someone else to reach their goal. I know that if Aria hadn't been writing and revising TLOATH at the same time that I was struggling with PW, it would've never been finished. And that is a fact. By encouraging her, I subconsciously was motivating myself. She was getting words done. I needed to get words done. If she wasn't getting words done, I needed her to get words done. So that I could get words done. You see how that works in its own twisted way? We're a team so we should all be motivating each other, but ESPECIALLY give a kick in the pants to the person you're assigned to. You're going to be the first person who gets to see their work, so you want it to be AWESOME.

3. Take the deadline seriously.

Seriously. 

January 31st. 

Do it.

It's not too late to join The Pink Ninjas (OF DOOM). If you want in, just email me! Send me your plan! WRITE YOUR NOVEL! In the meantime, I want to give a round of applause to our current team. Arianna, Elle, Ava, and Me! I think we're going to have a fifth (Laila, Guuuuurrrlll--- email me!), and of course, you're welcome to join, too! 

Hearts and hugs,
Deserae

Wanna Be a Ninja? (Plus, a Tag)

Hey, there, Everyone! NaNo went well. I finished one of my two goals so that's something, at least. I'm continuing with GOING SOMEWHERE over my Winter Break. For now, though, I thought I might tell you about something Arianna and I are doing.

It's called "Write a Novel with Cupid" (and if you're an aspiring writer and don't know Cupid, OHEMGEE--- go check her out NOW). Basically, instead of ONE month to write a novel, we're using the months of December AND January to get a first draft out of a brand new project. Then, we'll plan revisions and submission goals that we're aiming to get through by the end of this upcoming year. And if you want to be, you can get in on this, by becoming a part of our personal team--- The Pink Ninjas (OF DOOM). I put the "OF DOOM" part in parentheses because I, personally, am a fan of unicorns. But Aria is our Team Leader and the name is a kind of insider betwixt us (DANG TWITTER), so that is what we call ourselves. If you want to be a part of our team, just email me at desimcg@hotmail.com so we can start supporting one and another! ALSO, feel free to start your own teams and tell me about them! It'll be fun to have some competition. I promise to still love you all!!!

And now, onto the tag. Bethany Myers, an author Aria and I follow on Twitter (and who we found in a writing contest over at Mother Write! Bethany's awesome) tagged Arianna who then tagged me to do a tag called "The Next Big Thing." Aria wants me to talk about PW and therefore, I shall. Here we go!


What is your working title of your book?
PLANET WEIRD, or PW for shortsies.

Where did the idea come from for the book?
I honestly love telling this story, but I'll try to make it brief. Basically, my younger sister and I were waiting for a bus one day, and a girl I knew from school who was waiting at the bus stop too started talking with me to catch up on lost times and the what-not. Then she went into this completely dramatic and yet totally serious account of how she had met a vampire that day. The details are still fresh in my mind about that conversation, and the story she gave me was so hilarious, ridiculous, and true that I couldn't help but wonder, "What kind of a school admits a self-proclaimed VAMPIRE?" Forks High School. Ahhhhh-bviously. But also Planet Jr. High where all of "the kids were weird."  That was the first line that came to my head on the bus ride home. The idea that followed is one of my favorite storylines yet.

What genre does your book fall under?
I call it MG Sci-Fi, but at one point when I had doubts, I called it a MG Adventure.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?
As long as the cast is diverse, I wouldn't care who played my characters! I hardly keep up with the youthful stars of the day. Can we pull people off the streets and say, "AY! Please be my main character, please?" Okay, thanks.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?
Disguised as a thirteen year old human named Drew Vardaman, an alien runaway attends Planet Jr. High in hopes of leaving behind her predestined responsibilities, but instead runs right into them when a parasitic shadow starts possessing her classmates.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
I don't have the energy to self-publish professionally. It's my dream to be represented by an agency, but who knows if this is the project that'll get me there?

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?
Minus the time I spent procrastinating? A month. Plus the time I spent procrastinating? A year.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
The "destiny" part is what people tend to focus on, but to me, PW is about conformity and non-conformity, learning what it means to be yourself, power vs. responsibility, and things like that. Only, told in a light, fun setting--- a junior high school in the middle of nowhere. I haven't really been reading lately so I'm almost at a loss on this one, but it sort of has a hint of the themes in Great Expectations by Charles Dickens and the sort of "right in front of your face, but you can't see it!" fantastical stuff reminds me of The Spiderwick Chronicles by Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi and Percy Jackson by Rick Riordian. Plus, it's in that age range, so there you go. :)

Who or what inspired you to write this book?
Sahara Blank. My sister, Kia. And our nephew, Chris. They all played their parts, believe me. :)

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?
Here is a list of the FIVE AWESOME THINGS ABOUT PW THAT YOU MIGHT NEVER GET TO KNOW (aka My Love List):
1. There are portals.
2. There's a story within the story.
3. ESTEBAN!!!
4. Drew is actually a person of color though in her Earth form, she doesn't appear to be.
5. It's a love story--- in a sense. PW's about learning to love yourself, and learning how to love others who may seem to be worlds apart from you. Shoot, PW's about A LOTTA THANGS. But that's one of them. :)

Include the link of who tagged you and this explanation for the people you have tagged.

I tag Talia, Prerna, and Nicole (because I hear you're writing again! Am I misinformed?). Basically, if you're writing something and you're a human being, you should do this tag. Please tell me if you do it! I'd love to check ya out! :)

Lots of love,
Deserae
P.S. This song is called "Simply Falling" by Iyeoka. Steal my heart like a ninja and join our team!

NaNo Days 1 and 2

Yesterday was the first day of NaNo.

I clocked in 1,429 words for the GS project.

Unfortunately, that was the extent of my "official" day 1, but there were more than 1,000 words clocked in elsewhere. I can tell you that.

Today it's NaNo Day 2. It is also my 19th birthday. It is also the day I took my Hieroglyphs midterm. It is also the day I PASSED my Hieroglyphs midterm.

Today, I've been working on MV like crazy to celebrate my success! Today, I'll continue working on MV long-hand and stealthy like. Those words will count, I swear, but since I'm going to stay with my sisters for the weekend, I won't have an exact count for those  words until later. The second part of GS chapter 1 is almost done, but I won't be able to give it to you until Sunday or Monday. Do not fear! I'm still going strong! We'll clock it all in and catch up and be happy before the week is out. I'm finally free from worry--- free from self-doubt. I'm ready to rock and roll.

Well maybe not literally, but.. y'all know what I mean.

OFFICIAL NANO COUNT:
Day 1
-GS: 1,429 words
-MV: 0 words

Day 2
-GS: 567 words (on Word document)
-MV: 1,315 words (on Word document)

Overall Progress:
-GS: 1,996 words
-MV: 1,315 words

Word count Goal by Day 2: 3,334 words
Word count Tally by Day 2: 3,311 words (on Word)

And the day's not over yet. Have a great weekend, Everyone, and get down with your W.I.P.'s  all you NaNo-ers!

Love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Arianna- Thanks! So far so good! I'm not too far off from solid yet! 

Prerna- Thanks for your comment on Sommertales! Yep! I'm getting somewhere, right? Lol! 

Happy Halloween!

At my school, there's a NaNoWriMo kickoff event happening tonight. For an hour, I'll be writing with a bunch of like-minded people, and making sense of the world one comma at a time. It's so strange that NaNo is here and that I don't feel ready. I don't feel like it's plunge-taking season or complete-a-novel month and yet, it's here.

When you wake in the morning, visit Sommertales. The first part of GOING SOMEWHERE will be up, and it's for you guys so check it out.

My sister used this song on her first blog post. It inspired me so much, I thought you might benefit from hearing it, too. Happy Halloween, Lovelies! And welcome to November.

Love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Nicole- Eeep! So glad you like the twins. They are way too handsome for their own good. And I'm also glad you're excited for GOING SOMEWHERE. I am, too! Let's be excited together! Thanks for saying you like my voice, by the way. I'm so self-conscious about recordings because I honestly don't think I sound the same way in real life and it irks me. But I know what you mean about the tone of a voice letting you know something about a person... I like that my tone of voice tells you good things!

Sonal- Bombshells are cool when they're exciting bits of news like that! Love the new layout the "new you"... I hope you find tons of happiness at this new "location." Happiness, I hear, is good. :) Thanks for all of your kindness, Love. It's so good to be back. I know I don't say it enough but I miss you all as well. One more midterm this Friday and then I'm back to normal. Pinky promise; pinky swear. 

New Post!

On Sommertales. Check it out to learn The November Project's name and to see what it's kinda about!

Love you lots,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Prerna- Yes! One of my residents introduced me to her and I'm in love. I have a particular love for "Daredevil" just because it was the first song I heard by her. Fiona's a genius. Glad you know and love her!

Arianna- Thank you for the good luck and for commenting! I can't really respond to every point at the moment (I have a Hieroglyphs quiz tomorrow! Eep!) but I appreciate you taking the time to write all of that up. I am not healthy as is noted by the state of my hair in last post's video. But tomorrow is another day! Hoping it'll be a good one. :)

OH HAI!

This post will probably be deleted soon. Or maybe I'll just change the video to something more attractive when I'm not tired and looking for something to do besides homework.

Love you guys mucho,
Deserae
P.S. Didn't forget the song! Here it is!

Commenting on Comments

Arianna- Thank you for commenting! I know what you're saying, but I think what I'm looking for this time around is just that extra-strength support. Not so much coaching, or critique partner eyes, but SUPPORT. Reminders that I can get words down on a paper. Inspirational quotes sent on Twitter. Encouraging lies about being the very best that no one ever was... There are quite a few of you guys who are doing NaNo and who've vowed to help me so you can all tag team! Yay! I'm trying not to look at the habits and bad experiences I've had in the past and am looking more toward focusing on getting through it this time. So positiveness, I think, is what'll really help and I don't want to put all that "pressure" on just you! I've got people! (I think!)

Prerna- You're an angel! Thank you! I think it really boils down to knowing what I can and cannot do. 25,000 words is cake (KNOCK ON WOOD). So if I do the two projects with these smaller goals, I'm more likely to finish. And maybe next year I can devote the whole 50K to one project! We'll see! I get SO distracted by the internet it's ridiculous. But I do know how lucky I am to have people cheering for me so thank you for that! THAT in itself is amazing and I promise to repay you in some way (let's pull a Rumple and say I owe you a favor. :])

Nicole- I've missed you, too! Your posts have been coming into my email so I've been keeping up from afar. But nothing's the same as this, you know? Actually talking with you? I've missed it so much BUT am glad you're doing so well! It makes me happy. Happier than Yogi Bear with a pic-ah-nic basket. I, too, am excited to see what I'll bring forth in November. 'Tis a mystery to me, but it's all planned out at least. Just needs to be WRITTEN. You're right about my life not being nearly as bad as I make it out to be, but seriously. School is not my thing. I'm here because I have to be. I love learning, but school? BLEH! Thanks for your warm wishes and luck. I will gladly accept all the luck you can throw my way so wrestle a unicorn if you can!!! You REALLY need to tell me more about this boy, Missy. The only boy news I have has to do with these guys, and... welp... We both know that that's not nearly as exciting as real life. :) Talk to me soon, yeah?

I Have Returned

I know! Crazy, right?

You guys must be wondering what kind of spank-tacular adventures I go on while I'm away. You guys must also know that I am both boring AND afraid of change. Mostly what I do whilst I'm away is eat, sleep, read, pretend to write, pretend to read some more, eat, sleep, attend a class or two, repeat. Now that I'm working, I guess I fit that in somewhere, too. But yeah, that's about it. BUT I HAS RETURNED. Missed me? I missed you too. 

Usually when I come back to the internet it's for a reason. This time i's NaNoWriMo! Yay! I fail at WriMos, guys. I do my best not to get distracted by the millions of ideas floating around in my head, but it doesn't work. Or at least it hasn't worked YET. 

I'm a lazy lima bean. Always have been, but no longer CAN be. Like, this job, Guys, DEMANDS I make good grades, DEMANDS I'm on time with deadlines, and threatens to throttle me if I don't follow through. Basically, I'm on the verge of being thuh-rottled. 

I know myself. When I start feeling pressure, I withdraw. Stop caring. Shut down. Move on. But I'm doing NaNo this year to PROVE to myself that even I can change. That my bad habits don't define me. That when the pressure's on, I CAN handle it, despite what I've believed of myself in the past. 

I'm doing NaNo--- but on my terms. I've been thinking about it and there are two elements I want to complete. The goal for NaNo is to complete a first draft of a novel by the end of November OR 50,000 words of said novel. I have a novel I'd really like to work on for NaNo. We're calling it MV. But I know that realistically, I'm going to get halfway through and realize  OHEMGEE! It's NOT PERFECT! And then I will cry all of the tears obsessing over its imperfection and in doing so, I'll be procrastinating and NOT finishing the draft.

So my goal for NaNo is this: 

-Finish 25,000 words of MV

-Complete a 25,000 word online series for you guys on my unused blog, Sommertales. 

You know why that blog's been unused? It was supposed to be the host for my first ever webseries (NOPE! Not even YouTube Rules! which I'm sorry--- we'll have to talk about that one another day). But I'm going to use it this November and turn that unfilmed webseries into a multi-part novella for you guys to read. Yay! 

Since you guys are brilliant, you'll know that 25,000 plus 25,000 equals 50,000. That's 50,000 unperfected words. 50,000 excuses I'll try to make for not completing NaNo. But 25,000 of those are FOR YOU. The reason I'm doing this is because I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU TO CHEER ME ON.

Every day.
For all of November.
I need you to tell me, "You can do it, Deserae. You can finish something. And one day, it CAN look amazing. But that day doesn't have to be this one. It can be tomorrow, or even the day after that. But all you have to do is FINISH. Please, don't give up." REMIND ME I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU. 

Because if I'm not just doing this for me, I have more of a reason to go all the way, you know? If I convince myself that someone out there in the world NEEDS THESE WORDS, then good golly, I have to get those words to them! Somedays, you guys will get the bulk of my word quota for the day. Others, MV will get the bulk. But every day of November, I'll blog on Almost (Not Quite) There to give you guys an honest update on where I am and where the words are going. Do you think we can do it? Together, I mean?

Keep me sane, Guys,
Deserae
P.S. Thank you all for your love on the last post! I'm weird sometimes. Thank you for getting that. :)

Life is But a Dream...

I wasn't going to post today, but I wrote a song the other day for a book I'm writing. Of course.

The idea behind it came from one of my infamous mid-night thinking sessions. Sometimes, I'll wake up at three o'clock in the morning with a thought that just won't go away until I battle it out of my head. The other night, I was thinking about memory and--- well, to avoid going into the ENTIRE philosophical debate I'd had with myself I'll skip a bit--- I came to the conclusion that the person I call ME is only ME because of my  thoughts and my memories.

We can definitely talk more about this in depth if you were curious how (or why) I just decided that randomly in the middle of the night, but the point, I guess, is that the revelation that I was merely memory made me think about that old nursery rhyme "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." If you don't remember it, here's the gist of it:

Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream...

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

Life is but a dream.

This sparked a whole other discussion with myself that started with me freaking out about existence, my place in the world, et cetera, et cetera, but ended with me thanking the Lord God Almighty that life isn't nearly as serious as we paint it to be. Believe me. I understand the importance of LIVING life. Why not? You only die once, after all. But if I'm just a memory, then that F I got in high school is just a memory and I can move past it. If yesterday was a whole twenty four hours but I literally only retained about five foggy facts, then nothing that happens today can actually touch me when tomorrow comes, can it? Not if I don't let it. Not if I can leave it in the past and walk away.

I know there are things we have to face, have to deal with. I'm not saying we shouldn't deal. I'm saying we shouldn't dwell.

Here are the lyrics to the song inspired by this crazy night of existential thinking. Perhaps one day, I'll work up the nerve to sing it for you.

"Life is but a Dream" by an opticALlusion
Row, row your boat gently down the stream
It's a good thing we all know that life is but a dream
Although it's fun while it lasts it was
fun while it lasted, yeah.
So, so it goes we are tethered by these strings
Made from torn up pantyhose and some broken bits of things
But somehow we all manage we've
all seemed to manage, yeah.

And I plead with you--- don't you see the truth?
Who knew the sun was a lie?
Guess we always did. Chose not to notice it.

Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh oh... Yeah life is grand
Even when you're stuck in the middle.
Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh oh... It's all pretend
But we'll just dance up until the end---
Right up to the end.

Tap, tap your toes to the great cacophony
Of our long forgotten hopes and our dried up misery
Because we know it don't matter, no,
none of it matters, yeah.
Ha ha we're going so fast we cannot see
The blurry visions of our pasts, of the whos we used to be
Like a mirror they shatter, our
reflections have shattered, yeah.

Did we live at all, if the bluff's been called?
If we don't wake, at least we dreamed.
I can see the end; let the fun begin.

Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh oh... Yeah life is grand
Even when you're stuck in the middle.
Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh oh... It's all pretend
But we'll just dance up until the end---
Right up to the end.

Take care, Lovelies! Have a wonderful week,
Deserae
P.S. I love the song here. It's "The Man Who Isn't There" by Oren Lavie. If you love it, love it lots. If you don't love it, what is wrong with you?
P.P.S. I forgot! One more thing! If you like short story contests where each and every entry is judged and looked at, get a Figment account (or sign into your old one) and try your hand at their Defy the Dark contest. Entries are due September 1st, but that's so doable, and anyone can enter!

Commenting on Comments

Arianna- Haha! I am the Queen of Linkage. Do you think they will raise a monument to honor my linktitude?

Maya- Girl, get your YouTube account ah-sap! So many awesome things to get into. So much to see. So much to share with thee!!!

Robin- Aww, thank you for coming to see me! I loved your comments on the posts as well. Were you entered? Which story was yours? Personally, I'm not too thrilled about the thriller either! But that's just 'cause I'm a big ole scaredy cat. ISLA and this mysterious fifth Perkins novels are the projects I'm most looking forward to by her. I, too, enjoyed ANNA best, but is it horrible that I wasn't the biggest fan of Anna and Etienne? Don't get me wrong, I love the story as a whole. But whenever I think about THEM, about their relationship, about the process of them getting together... I don't know. I could never fully love them like everyone else did. Again, thanks for stopping by! I look forward to getting to know you via the glorious interwebs.

Saturday Sights

I really miss doing these on My Ticket Elsewhere. I really miss Elsewhere and Home in general, but without my laptop, ALL OF THE THINGS have been lacking. Ag.

But today, I bring you news from the interwebs! I always find a way to stay connected, even when I can't directly be involved (I'm such le old lady neighbor). Drum roll, please?

FIRST, on ze YouChoobs, British web sensation Charlie McDonnell has... a girlfriend. Yes, she is lovely. Yes, I love her. Yes, a part of me hopes an' me dreams 'as died. Yes, yes... I'll be fine. Here is a video of her being cute and sweet and what not as she responds to Charlie's announcement. Linked above is a video of his announcement and the such. And you want to hear her sing? She's good at it. The only reason I consider this news is because I've been following Charlie and Bryarly's channels for... years. YEARS, I SAY! And they've secretly been dating for the past one. So yes, people. This is news. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh....

NEXT for all of you ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS fans, author Stephanie Perkins has announced what her fourth and fifth books will be about. One will be a horror reminiscent of the "Scream" movie franchise; the other will be another contemporary, reminiscent of the ANNA Companion Series. GET EXCITED.

ALSO, for those of you who don't know about my favorite almost-not-quite-published authors, you MUST check out Claire Legrand and Natalie Whipple ah-sap. Claire literally has a butt-load of projects I am beyond excited for. The first of which, THE CAVENDISH HOME FOR BOYS AND GIRLS comes out in less than three weeks! EEP!!! Besides that, she is made of awesome. Unicorn-loving awesome. I adore her. With Natalie, though, I have a different kind of respect. I've been following her progress for the past two (and a half) years. I knew her when she went through a change in agents... when she got her first book deal for the 2013 release of TRANSPARENT... And I continue to follow her, to respect her for her kindness. For her words. For her wisdom and her advice. Every time she posts something, it inspires me. It helps me. So I'm sharing her with you. Her latest bit of writerly goodness has inspired me to stop doubting myself and to go for the gusto; maybe it'll help you, too.

LAST, but not least, Auror's Tale. Have you heard about it? Going to watch it? You should. Here is why.

Alright, All. Take care, and have all the warm wishes from all of the warm places.

Lots of love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Sonal- Haha! Thank you, Dear. I try. :P

Nicole- I love that you love Young the Giant! But bleg! Sorry orientation was a bit boringish. School is creeping up on you, Lassie... Use your super-awesome-ninja-tactics to make sure it doesn't follow Orientation's lead. 

When You Don't Feel Like Writing...

... Do it anyway.

That is all.

Stay on it, Writers,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Arianna- Haha! I have music on the brain. What can I say?! I still like my zombie "Some Body That I Used to Know" rendition. Goyte would adore me, I think. 

Ms. Elle Fredericks- I love you more than you could ever know. Thank you for the lovely comment and for being there for me on my bright days AND the ones in between. :) 

Nicole- I'm so glad the post sat well with you and that you loved the song! Oh, my heart swells with joy when those words are uttered. :] Hey, Girl. Kick orientation's butt! You're going to have a great year if you remember to stay as beautiful as you are right now, but grow from anything Life throws at you to try to persuade you otherwise. You've got this! 

Bright Day Coming

My little sister reminded me of this song--- the one I'll leave for you at the end. Though it's not Christian or religious or anything, it expresses all of the sentiments of my personal philosophy: "...there's a bright day coming."

I don't know where that mentality comes from. From my ancestors? From the old spirituals that were sung to maintain hope? I don't know. I was never into all that "let my people go" stuff... But I do have to wonder why I have this thing instilled in me. Why, no matter what, I DO believe that things can only get better from here.

Prerna said something that I agree with. We gain strength from every situation, every block, every obstacle we overcome. "You'll be stronger because of the things you survive," she said. Tell me why I want to bust out into a ballad of Destiny Child's "I'm a Suh-vi-vah!"

Just a little reminder to all of you who feel down, or are angsting, or just need it... There IS a bright day coming. Be there, okay? Let's make a date.

I, Deserae McGlothen, want to see you on your bright day.  I want to give you virtual (or actual) hugs and cookies. And I hope you'll be there for me on mine.

We'll talk words soon. I have plenty to tell you guys about the bookish world and what I'm up to.

Lots of love,
Deserae

Commenting on Comments

Prerna- Thank you and AGH! I TOTALLY AGREE!!! The whole ending of Felicity was like... Well, I wanted to pull my hair out. I get that the writers wanted us to see she'd have picked that boy either way, but NOEL!!!! NO-O-OEL!!!!! My heart ached for him. He so deserved better. I do hope to make him proud. :)

Maya- Yes, the tag was loads of fun. Thanks for including me! And thanks for trusting me with your story. You know, it's true. I've had to learn the hard way that I need people. It's hard to need, you know? More and more, I'm realizing people don't want my advice. They don't need my advice. They just want/need me. But I don't know how to be me without my words. Without my mind. Without my thoughts and opinions. I have to learn, though. I'm trying to readjust. There is always room and time to improve upon oneself. And I will. I'll improve if I have to. I'll stay beautiful if you will. Thanks for your love, I appreciate (and need) every ounce of it!

Nicole- Haha! Thanks, Hon! I'm going to try my best to enjoy being Noel. I hold grudges, too! That's something I've been working on, myself! I think I'm at a point where all of the grudges I used to hold are gone, and I'm allowing myself to start over with a lot of people... What I've decided is to forgive. To forget the wrong as a reflection of the person. But never to forget the wrong or what made it wrong. That way I can  move on with my life, but be more prepared for when Life tries to challenge me the same way again. So I guess I don't hold grudges anymore... I hold myself responsible for doing better next time. And in this way, what you said makes perfect sense. It IS hard to know what to do in the moment, so when past experiences aren't enough to lead me, I decide to ask. To voice my concerns. To see if the truth really can set you free. So far so good, you know? So far so good. My friend and I are learning to understand each other better. That's all I could ask for. It's only going to make us stronger in the end. :) I accept all of your love and am sending you some as well! Take care, Hon!

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

What I love about you guys is that I don't have to hide anything about myself from you all. I can speak about my religion. About my thoughts. About my feelings. About anything. And you all indulge me. You're all kind and thoughtful and respectful and what's better still is that you all seem to hear me beyond the political/personal things we may or may not agree upon.

In short, I adore you all.

Today, I want to talk. To get out some thoughts and some anger and some sadness. I just want to vent. After all, that's what blogging is for is it not? Okay. It's not. I know and respect that. But today, I want to break my shell just a little bit. Crack myself open just a little bit. Let you guys in. After all, you've earned my trust, so why not?

The truth is people count on me. I don't know why or when or how this has come to be, but it just IS. I've come to accept and embrace this. In fact, I'm going to be a Resident Adviser at my university next year. I'm overseeing TWO buildings full of freshmen and I'm excited. I get to be Noel, you guys. I GET TO BE NOEL.

But what I find funny is that, in a lot of ways, I've always been Noel. I've always been that person who people could talk to, who was only focused on one thing, who had trouble adapting to change... Though Noel has way more relationship drama than I ever hope to have, myself, he's a committed kinda guy. Once you're in his circle, you're in it for life if you want to be.

However, if you don't want to be--- if for whatever reason you keep hurting me, if you keep pushing me away--- then I, like Noel, will let you go. Ties can be broken pleasantly (Noel and Hannah) or they can be severed, seemingly irrevocably (Noel and Felicity once or twice). Still, after the fire has gone out and the dust has settled, I don't forget you. I hold you in my heart for ever. Every wrong, every right, everything, it's still there. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just... It's just that I don't want to forget the people who made my life something. You know what I mean?

I've used this example countless times, but when I was in high school I participated in our Stage Crew. And it was great. I made so many wonderful memories with a group of friends I thought I'd have forever. But today, I don't talk to any of them. Our director kinda kicked me out of the class and none of them reached out to me. Not even the ones I thought would be there. Not even though I "really" needed them.

For a long time, I was angry. At myself, though, for trusting them. But then the fire died and the dust settled. In my mind's eye, I can only see the good from my experience there even though I know the bad.

And guys, I'm angry again. At myself for letting a person I know and care about guilt me into thinking I've caused their pain. In my stomach is a fire roaring, "I'm NOT to blame. I can not force you to talk to me. I will NOT keep asking questions you refuse to answer. How is your pain my fault if you refuse to be happy? I  want to be happy!"

And it feels like the dust will never settle. It feels like it's always going to be one thing or something else. I feel  like there's just a negative spirit or air oppressing my friend and instead of attacking that, this person is attacking me. They know how to push my buttons. Guilt is usually their weapon of choice. And though I love this person and want to show God's love to this person, it feels like no matter what I do--- or say or don't do or don't say--- it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong because, for whatever reason, they don't want things to be right.

I'm sad today because... this is the only way I know how to get through to people. With words. With truth. With little reminders like "You're not the only one hurting." Like, "When you hurt, we all hurt. Every one who loves you." I'm sad because the truth is, though I want to be there, though I want to help, I don't know how to be except through "good morning"s and "how are you"s and hoping to get an honest answer.

I'm sad because I have a feeling that this, once read, will not be received. It will be used against me like all of the words before these. That's the trouble with text, I think. It's easy to skim over without seeing the message underneath. I'm a straightforward person. If I think you're mad, I'll ask you. If I'm upset, I'll tell you. So what I'm hoping this post will do for my friend is show them how I feel. What I think. Give them a chance to do the same to me. Because I'm literally DONE with guessing. And being blamed. And getting hurt.

An aside to this friend of mine:
What I want, now, is to help you with YOUR hurt. With your pain. With whatever it is that you're going through. I want to help in whatever way I can. If you need someone to talk to. If you don't want me to actually speak my mind, but just be on the other end. If you're tired of hearing the truth and need someone to lie to you. If you're ready to be honest with yourself but need someone to bear witness to the occasion...

I DO NOT MIND BEING THAT PERSON.
I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
BUT I CANNOT BE THAT PERSON--- IF YOU WILL NOT LET ME.

That's all I've been trying to say for the past who knows how long. I don't know what to do because I'm not getting much to go off, here. You're not bothering me. You're not a burden. You're just hurting. And really, that's okay.

What happens often is you take a stab at me and DUH. IT HURTS. I'll bounce back a million times, but know this--- I, like you, can only take so much. Correction: I will only take so much. And now you know that. So tell me what you're thinking IF you really want me to know! If not, that's okay. Just don't hold that against me--- don't blame me for not understanding. I assure you, I'm not the problem. And if I am, you know what I'd advise you to do: address the problem, then let it go.

Even though it'd hurt me like mad to know I'm the source of your pain, I'd rather know you were doing alright without me than to have both of us suffering for no good reason. We will live on without one another if that's what we have to do to be at peace. But if you need me right now, I'm here. I always have been and I pretty much will be until you say otherwise.

And back to you guys:
There is only one reason I'm addressing you guys at all. I want you guys to realize that we're all the person SOMEBODY needs. Do you have a friend? A sibling? A parent? A classmate? An anyone who sees you on the regular? An anyone at all? Whether you realize it or not, you are needed and you are loved. Please, you guys... Don't refuse to see your worth, your contribution to the world as a member of it.

You see, Uncle Ben once told his nephew, Spidey, that "...with great power comes great responsibility." You have no idea the power your smile, your "hello," your presence has on the people who are blessed to know you. It's your responsibility to be there whenever and in whatever way you can. But even God's Word tells us not to remain in bad counsel. What He means is, if being needed means putting a strain on you that you can't bear, you've got to let go.

I have been emotionally troubled this past year. A lot of stuff has happened, stuff I haven't told you guys for fear of reopening wounds that haven't exactly healed. Little things. Big ones. All kinds of ones I've only talked about with special people because of their ability to hear me... to understand... I realize now that I can't be everything to everyone, and that's okay. I want us all to find peace.

Tell me what's so wrong about that. Tell me what I can do to realize it, and I will.

-Deserae
P.S. I responded to a tag yesterday. That was fun and I promise to be happier next time when the world isn't against me. It likes to side with me from time to time so I have faith...
P.P.S. Yes, I have a feeling that once I post this a wave of anxiety will wash over me regarding the response. No, I will not take it down. I think it's good to be honest--- with others. With yourself.

Commenting on Comments

A.K.A. Thanks for making me smile

Emily- You created the award? Well you are a lovely person as well. Thank you for inadvertently getting me tagged. I have it on good authority that a lot of people were made happy by our surprise from Maya. :)

Sonal- You're watching Once Upon a Time?! Oh bless you! I adore that show. It's coming back for us in September. Do you know when it'll be on in Billy Shakespeare Land? 

Nicole- I believe those are essential colors for one's wardrobe. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. Lol! Keep up your mischievous ways. Let those neighbors of yours have it, Girly! :]