Saturday, December 3, 2011

Rock My Query! Part II

Wow! I asked and you guys responded. Did you see Maya's comments in Part I? I did, and I was SO thankful. And did you know Arianna emailed me immediately with feedback? Well she did and I showered her with thanks then and some more, well, now. Not to mention, there were two people who responded on Kate's post and both Krista V. and Lenna were really nice so I'm thankful to them, as well. And then there's Kate, herself, who took the time to read and critique and boy, am I grateful to her, too. I rewrote the query and... Well, I hope it's better. I want to know what you guys think. There's more words in this one but it's more descriptive and less destiny heavy ALTHOUGH I had to slip some of it in at the end because it's important. I think.

When Drazoral steps out of a portal known as the Beyond, she is no longer the bronzed, long-legged warrior from Andromeda. She is Drew Ophelia Vardaman, the short, pale-skinned thirteen year old who has hopes of becoming an Earth citizen. While Drew learns to adjust to Earth food, emotions, and all of the weird kids who make up Planet Jr. High, she starts to understand what it means to be human. But when a parasitic shadow starts possessing her classmates, she’s forced to confront the part of her that is anything but normal.

Drew presses her guardians, Wyatt and Windsor, for answers about the darkness that haunts her dreams. But they’re not the only ones reluctant to dredge up the past. Drew has kept the real reason for her sudden flight to Earth a secret in fear of being sent home, but when mayhem strikes, she is asked to return to Andromeda in order to absorb the source of her power. It is only then that she’ll be able to use her gift without fatal consequence, and it is only then that she’ll be able to help defeat the shadow.

But while the part of her that is Drazoral wants to fight, the part of her that is Drew wants to live on in peace. It is no longer her duty to serve or to protect the universe. She realizes that playing it safe isn’t always the right thing to do, but she sees that putting herself in harm’s way is giving into the destiny she was pre-ordained. In PLANET WEIRD, a 47,000 word work of middle grade science fiction, there is no wrong or right in one’s decision to fly or fight, but Drew has to make a choice before it’s too late to save either her classmates or herself.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I hope to hear from you, soon.

So?... Any takers?... Here's a song while you read. Thanks you guys! I honestly do look forward to hearing what you think. 

Lots of love,
Deserae McGlothen

1 comment:

  1. WOOOOO!!!!!! Congratulations!!!! I thought the first Query was ah-mazing but this completely just sweeps it into dust. I'm so impressed that you actually took our comments into consideration- and it really shows in your work.
    As intriguing as Drew/Drazoral seemed, I never really had a sense of what she was like in part I. But here, you threaded descriptions of her physical appearance, and hints of her character with finesse. The story no longer seems slightly confusing, but rather clear with all the little details that make it come alive. We know know who she is, exactly where she comes from, why she left, and there are little mentions of her 'powers' and 'gifts' that just make it that much more interesting.
    Also, you finished it off with an effective conclusion- it leaves us wanting more, but not in the sense that you left out key aspects.
    Overall, I'd say you did a brilliant job. There's no way the agent can turn this down now!
    xox, love, Maya