Friday, December 2, 2011

Rock My Query! Part I

GUYS! I can't. Do it.

I've been trying to rewrite my query so I could post both my new and old ones for your side by side evaluations. But I can't. Do it. And I need to post this by midnight or else I FAIL!

So here, then, is the query that super agent Kate Testerman gave her comments on (and here is where she said... well... things that enticed me to rewrite it. Hehe!). Help me make it pretty? Or at least nod your head several times as your eyes glide over it and insert sporadic, "I see..."-s. I love ya'll. Do you know that?

PW Query, Phase I (which is actually phase gagillion and three, but we'll talk about that later):

A near-death experience grants Drazoral a glimpse of her future, but after hearing that her life is the key to cleansing her home planet, she runs away to Earth, takes on a new identity, and, through trial and error, learns to blend in. As thirteen year old Drew Vardaman, she has the chance to start over. It’s her hope that, on Earth, she’ll be able to control her own destiny.

Although she has a rough start, Drew soon discovers what it means to be human through the guidance of her cryptic guardians, and her handler, Mr. Bleu. And just when she comes to peace with who she is and what life could mean on a planet like ours, a parasitic shadow starts possessing her classmates, forcing Drew to tap into the powers she’s been promised but hasn’t yet learned to master.

As the shadow grows stronger, Drew’s confidence becomes weaker. And though she realizes that playing it safe isn’t always the right thing to do, she sees that putting herself in harm’s way is giving into the destiny she was pre-ordained. When the sacrificing of one life is necessary to save the lives of an entire species, the choice to surrender seems clear. But when that one life is yours, there’s no wrong or right in the decision to fly or fight.

PLANET WEIRD is middle grade, supernatural fiction complete at 47,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's new version and keep reading if you want to hear something cool! 

Deserae <3
P.S. That wasn't the cool part. The COOL part is that Maya asked me a wonderful question on my last post (the blessed girl). She asked: 

Is there a chance you could possibly post your WriMo on your blog?

And the answer to that is, YES! And... well... no. YES I will post some sort of something for every day that I write be that a screenshot of my Word document, a picture of me stressing out, a secret video telling ya'll something about what I intend to do or behind the scenes-y things about the characters, or a straight up excerpt for your entertainment. NO I will not post the whole thing because it's a book--- not a short story--- and that'd take up WAY too much space. 

And I'm doing these special things because 1.) Maya is awesome and the fact that she asked makes me want to do SOMETHING and 2.) I am a HUGE fan of behind the scenes/ teaser-like things. Plus, I like you guys and would like your opinions so yeah. That's what we will do. 

I still don't know what project I'm going to do but I have exactly a week to figure it out. I want to ask someone to pick for me but it'll take SO much time writing all of those ideas down and not getting enough of a consensus. So yeah. 


1 comment:

  1. I know you are probably looking for harsh critisms on your query, but I have absolutely none of that to say. All that was on my mind from the first line was 'OMG'!!! Your query is captivating, creative and 100% original. I adore the name Drazoral, and to be honest I saw nothing wrong with the rest of your query. But after re-reading twice, I realized that there must be something to change that Agents mind so I read her thoughts on the query.
    I have to say I agree with some of what she said, like subtly incorporating more of Drew's self into the query, and trying to limit the focus point from talks of 'her destiny'. Personally, I think the first paragraph is perfect for reeling in the readers attention ( it certainly did me ;] ). The only advice I have is to avoid any use of cliche, which is what seems to tick of the agent. You did a great job on that aspect, except with the phrase "she has the chance to start over". I've heard that phrase so often, it's quite worn out. Try to find something with a unique-spark. "It’s her hope that, on Earth, she’ll be able to control her own destiny." What exactly prevented her from doing so before? It's better if you don't unveil this to us-save some secrets for the book- but give a suggestive addition in that sentence that elicits curiousity.
    In the second paragraph, it loses a bit of the thorough detail it had in the first. Starting from "Drew soon discovers what it means to be human through the guidance of her cryptic guardians and her handler, Mr. Bleu. And just when she comes to peace with who she is and what life could mean on a planet like ours..." I notice a sort of gap between the two. Like you jumped from the beginning to the end, with little reference to what went on in between. Honestly, I don't think what happened in between is necessary, but we notice it because of "And just when she begins to feel..." It seems a little too typical of a phrase. That everything becomes perfect for it all to be changed once more. Maybe you could find a way of changing that so the gap isn't as noticable.
    The last paragraph is like the first, in the sense that it's pretty flawless to me. The only thing I have to suggest adding in an extra line after the last-it seems sort of unfinished to me. Don't get me wrong; the last sentence is just right, only it leaves something to be desired.
    Hope this helped!! But seriously, I suck at critiquing. This query was wonderful, and it took me several tries to find something I could suggest improvement on. Good luck with the second phase!!!
    xox, love, Maya
    P.S I disagree that 'there's not enough to entice'. Maybe there's something wrong with her idea of 'enticing' is all ;)